The Exit Sign is as Bright as Ever

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Pense, Sep 18, 2011.

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  1. Pense

    Pense New Member

    Suicidal thoughts have lingered in my mind for a few years now, but lately the Exit sign has been getting brighter and brighter.

    I never really looked at life and thought anything grand about it. I have to say, my high school years really were my golden years. A lot of people don't really like school or don't think much about it in particular, but to be honest, it was my safe haven. When I went to school, it was my own little world, safe, away from the real world.

    I've been a high school graduate for a little over a year now, and I have never felt so low. I look at the world around me and I honestly don't see myself in it for the next 50 years. My Dad left us when I was a little boy, but my Mom has been the world to us and tried her best to fill the void. My family is what kept me going this far, but even with them, I have one foot out the door. My family encourages me to go to school or get a job from time to time, but I honestly lost all interest. They feel that I'm wasting my life and potential here at home, but I honestly don't feel like it. I don't hold any long term goals, nor do I have any dreams. I held passion for a few things in my life, but as of late I really lost it all, and I wont be getting it back.

    I never really had too many friends, but rather people I knew. I looked to many people as my scapegoat, rather than real friends. As awful as that may sound, that's all what they ever were.

    My family may think I'm lazy for being at home for literally over a year, but that isn't the case. I feel that a job at this point will actually push me over the edge with it's mundane cycles. I'd like to help around the house, but I'm just tired. Oh so tired.

    Veterans who have conquered their demons or on their way may think that I have a long way to go full of untapped happiness, that it will give me the strength, that it will all get better, but not everyone is as optimistic. Not everyone is as strong.

    I have contemplated suicide time and time again, but that's all it ever was, a thought. I think about the pain and suffering that I will put my family through and although they don't deserve it, I don't think I do either.
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Welcome, Pense. Who have you talked to in real life about what you're telling us?
  3. Pense

    Pense New Member

    Hi, I'm not the type of person to really have a sit down and talk about how I feel. I tend to just put on my best brave face and keep to myself. I wouldn't want anyone to know how I really feel because I wouldn't want them to feel like it's their fault when it really isn't.
  4. iamtrying

    iamtrying New Member

    It's my experience that family members would rather KNOW what is happening in your head and heart so they can have a chance to help you to feel better. I know I would want to know if my son was feeling terrible so I could offer my love and support.
  5. bambam

    bambam Member

    Started Therapy myself on Friday sometimes it's best to talk to complete strangers because the emotion gets taken right out of 1 half.
  6. Pense

    Pense New Member

    I considered therapy as well, but I don't want anyone to find out I'm having these problems to begin with. Weekly sessions would raise suspicion and I don't know what I would do if my family found out.

    Tonight was the hardest night yet. I felt so low, I felt like ending it, but somehow I held on. It's hard, it really is.
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