J
Hi everyone.. not that I deserve to be posting this.. but I just need to vent about my mother.. so don't waste your time in reading
My mother. I just cut off every tie I had to her this morning. So now I'll never hear from her again unless I choose to reach out to her.. and that's a big reach.
I hate her.
When I was younger, she tried to kill herself. Like many who try to kill themselves she left a note. Most suicide notes are left telling people how sorry they are for what they've done... etc. No, my mom had to write that it was my fault. She wanted to die because of me. From the begining those words hurt me everytime they ran through my mind.. and I felt horrible and guilty for doing this to her.
Her and my dad used to fight constantly.. I honestly can't remember a moment in their marriage that I saw them together.. happy. So they split. Causing even more pain.. both to them.. and me. I was stuck with my mom after the split.. my dad moved. She was completely fucked up. I was no older than 12 when she started bringing home the men at 2am.. when she's comlpetely out of her right mind on drugs or alcohol.. or god knows what. The last time I can remember this happened I locked myself in my room with the phone.. I called my dad at 2ish in the morning and woke him up to come get me... he stayed on the phone with me until he got to my house and I snuck out. My mom didn't even notice I was gone until two days later.. then she called my dad asking him if he knew where I was.. This started a huge fight... and eventually led to the custody battle... but how hard of a battle would that be? a drug abusing, all around substance abusing, depressed, maniac for a mother.. or a stable father with a job and that actually wants me? Big surprise.. the judge gave custody to my dad and we moved... things were still really stressful.. with my dad working two jobs, me trying to keep up the school work.. my grandparents half taking care of me.. traveling between towns since I no longer lived in the town that my school was... losing friends because I could never be around... this was all going on still when I was in 8th grade. First time I told anyone that I wanted to die. My science teacher.. the thursday before april vacation. Though.. everyone at the school kept it confidential..
my mom attempted suicide once more.. probably still blamed me but I won't read the god damn letter. my dad wouldn't let me anyways. The rest of my family that's around me tries to protect me from her.. but she finds her ways to attack me.. she calls, yells at me for abandoning her.. for being a horrible daughter.. any vicious attack she can come up with... for a good amount of the time I "talk" to her I yell back defending the people I still care about that she says bad things about but finally I can't take it anymore and just try hanging up.. she calls back again and again for a while..... but eventually gets tired of the excitement and hangs up.. probably to go get high.
Well Today I cut her off completely.. I'm hoping and praying that she can't find any way to attack me anymore. It kills me to hear from her.. one day she'll be yelling at me for what I've done.. then another day she'll be playing the guilt card... telling me how much she loves me.. how she wishes we could have a relationship.. how she's so sorry.. blah blah blah.. yeah, that used to work on me when I was younger and stupid.. I'm not gonna fall for the bullshit anymore...
I wouldn't care if I never heard or saw her again.. I wouldn't care if she died. if she blamed me. I can't let myself care... or else it'll tear me apart.
If you managed to read all that (I dont' know why you would) then thanks for listening.. don't feel you have to reply.. it's a bunch of crap that doesn't even deserve a crap response..
Jess
My mother. I just cut off every tie I had to her this morning. So now I'll never hear from her again unless I choose to reach out to her.. and that's a big reach.
I hate her.
When I was younger, she tried to kill herself. Like many who try to kill themselves she left a note. Most suicide notes are left telling people how sorry they are for what they've done... etc. No, my mom had to write that it was my fault. She wanted to die because of me. From the begining those words hurt me everytime they ran through my mind.. and I felt horrible and guilty for doing this to her.
Her and my dad used to fight constantly.. I honestly can't remember a moment in their marriage that I saw them together.. happy. So they split. Causing even more pain.. both to them.. and me. I was stuck with my mom after the split.. my dad moved. She was completely fucked up. I was no older than 12 when she started bringing home the men at 2am.. when she's comlpetely out of her right mind on drugs or alcohol.. or god knows what. The last time I can remember this happened I locked myself in my room with the phone.. I called my dad at 2ish in the morning and woke him up to come get me... he stayed on the phone with me until he got to my house and I snuck out. My mom didn't even notice I was gone until two days later.. then she called my dad asking him if he knew where I was.. This started a huge fight... and eventually led to the custody battle... but how hard of a battle would that be? a drug abusing, all around substance abusing, depressed, maniac for a mother.. or a stable father with a job and that actually wants me? Big surprise.. the judge gave custody to my dad and we moved... things were still really stressful.. with my dad working two jobs, me trying to keep up the school work.. my grandparents half taking care of me.. traveling between towns since I no longer lived in the town that my school was... losing friends because I could never be around... this was all going on still when I was in 8th grade. First time I told anyone that I wanted to die. My science teacher.. the thursday before april vacation. Though.. everyone at the school kept it confidential..
my mom attempted suicide once more.. probably still blamed me but I won't read the god damn letter. my dad wouldn't let me anyways. The rest of my family that's around me tries to protect me from her.. but she finds her ways to attack me.. she calls, yells at me for abandoning her.. for being a horrible daughter.. any vicious attack she can come up with... for a good amount of the time I "talk" to her I yell back defending the people I still care about that she says bad things about but finally I can't take it anymore and just try hanging up.. she calls back again and again for a while..... but eventually gets tired of the excitement and hangs up.. probably to go get high.
Well Today I cut her off completely.. I'm hoping and praying that she can't find any way to attack me anymore. It kills me to hear from her.. one day she'll be yelling at me for what I've done.. then another day she'll be playing the guilt card... telling me how much she loves me.. how she wishes we could have a relationship.. how she's so sorry.. blah blah blah.. yeah, that used to work on me when I was younger and stupid.. I'm not gonna fall for the bullshit anymore...
I wouldn't care if I never heard or saw her again.. I wouldn't care if she died. if she blamed me. I can't let myself care... or else it'll tear me apart.
If you managed to read all that (I dont' know why you would) then thanks for listening.. don't feel you have to reply.. it's a bunch of crap that doesn't even deserve a crap response..
Jess