The "family" issue ((vent/trigger))

Discussion in 'Domestic Abuse' started by Jess, Aug 4, 2006.

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  1. Jess

    Jess Guest

    Hi everyone.. not that I deserve to be posting this.. but I just need to vent about my mother.. so don't waste your time in reading


    My mother. I just cut off every tie I had to her this morning. So now I'll never hear from her again unless I choose to reach out to her.. and that's a big reach.

    I hate her.

    When I was younger, she tried to kill herself. Like many who try to kill themselves she left a note. Most suicide notes are left telling people how sorry they are for what they've done... etc. No, my mom had to write that it was my fault. She wanted to die because of me. From the begining those words hurt me everytime they ran through my mind.. and I felt horrible and guilty for doing this to her.
    Her and my dad used to fight constantly.. I honestly can't remember a moment in their marriage that I saw them together.. happy. So they split. Causing even more pain.. both to them.. and me. I was stuck with my mom after the split.. my dad moved. She was completely fucked up. I was no older than 12 when she started bringing home the men at 2am.. when she's comlpetely out of her right mind on drugs or alcohol.. or god knows what. The last time I can remember this happened I locked myself in my room with the phone.. I called my dad at 2ish in the morning and woke him up to come get me... he stayed on the phone with me until he got to my house and I snuck out. My mom didn't even notice I was gone until two days later.. then she called my dad asking him if he knew where I was.. This started a huge fight... and eventually led to the custody battle... but how hard of a battle would that be? a drug abusing, all around substance abusing, depressed, maniac for a mother.. or a stable father with a job and that actually wants me? Big surprise.. the judge gave custody to my dad and we moved... things were still really stressful.. with my dad working two jobs, me trying to keep up the school work.. my grandparents half taking care of me.. traveling between towns since I no longer lived in the town that my school was... losing friends because I could never be around... this was all going on still when I was in 8th grade. First time I told anyone that I wanted to die. My science teacher.. the thursday before april vacation. Though.. everyone at the school kept it confidential..

    my mom attempted suicide once more.. probably still blamed me but I won't read the god damn letter. my dad wouldn't let me anyways. The rest of my family that's around me tries to protect me from her.. but she finds her ways to attack me.. she calls, yells at me for abandoning her.. for being a horrible daughter.. any vicious attack she can come up with... for a good amount of the time I "talk" to her I yell back defending the people I still care about that she says bad things about but finally I can't take it anymore and just try hanging up.. she calls back again and again for a while..... but eventually gets tired of the excitement and hangs up.. probably to go get high.

    Well Today I cut her off completely.. I'm hoping and praying that she can't find any way to attack me anymore. It kills me to hear from her.. one day she'll be yelling at me for what I've done.. then another day she'll be playing the guilt card... telling me how much she loves me.. how she wishes we could have a relationship.. how she's so sorry.. blah blah blah.. yeah, that used to work on me when I was younger and stupid.. I'm not gonna fall for the bullshit anymore...

    I wouldn't care if I never heard or saw her again.. I wouldn't care if she died. if she blamed me. I can't let myself care... or else it'll tear me apart.



    If you managed to read all that (I dont' know why you would) then thanks for listening.. don't feel you have to reply.. it's a bunch of crap that doesn't even deserve a crap response..



    Jess
     
  2. Callan

    Callan Guest

    I think you did a good thing. Stick with your dad and try and forget her. She is obviously no good for you or herself so it's probably the best thing you could have done.
     
  3. letdown

    letdown Guest

    I feel very similar about certain family members too. I have cut off 2 people.

    I am glad you're protecting yourself. It is eerie how similar people can be when you talk about her playing the guilt card and not understanding your needs. I feel invaded sometimes.

    Your mother is in pain and needs help but it doesn't have to be from you. It's ultimately up to her to understand the effects she's having on other people and seek that help herself. She seems to be making you feel responsible for her pain, which you are not as you were only a child. Sometimes people think I am 'cold' but there is a limit of how much a person can take. Cutting off people can be liberating but painful too- the sense of being a little more free outweighs the pain for me. A lot of damage has been done and preventing any more damage, I feel, is a positive step but that damage is still there. I can't say how I know to heal what has happened as I am in a similar position but I really hope this move will benefit you. I'm glad you posted here.
     
  4. Jess

    Jess Guest

    Thanks for the replies guys :smile:


    Taking all the abuse and living with all the pain from her for all those years has finally worn me out. I feel bad about cutting her out of my life since it's because of her that I'm alive. In a way I could be mad at her for that since I've been suicidal. I could not care less if she died tomorrow... and if she still blames me I wouldn't have another thought. my dad hates her, whether it be for the pain she caused him... or for what she's done/doing to me.. or both. I have him.. and that's all that matters.. Though life with only one parent is difficult it works better than having the both of them together constantly fighting...

    Will I miss having a mother? no.. because I honestly don't know what that's actually like. I could never consider her a mother. What is a mother? usually someone that takes care of you when your sick. Supports you... blah blah blah. She's alwyas been the one to rely on me. It's wrong for an adult to ask a child for money.. to take care of her! All the time I spent with her i spent worrying that she would do something stupid to herself... but as long as I stayed near I could stop her.. and I did several times. Calling 911 when your just a kid is a scary thing... especially for a parent.

    I don't want to turn out like her.. and Ive realized that I'm well on my way. I hope that I'm more like my father. lol I look like him so hopefully I have more of his genes. Is depression something that can be passed on? maybe not genetic... but she's definitely caused some emotional issues for me... hopefully I can be better than her and beat them... not relying on someone that I shouldn't.. like her. I'm more independant than she ever was I know that. and for fucks sake I'm 16 and she's 35. It's sad that a teenager can handle lifes troubles better than an adult.

    If you ever think that you're a failure... think about what I've told you about her.. she is a true failure and doesn't seem to care to turn things around. which makes her even more pathetic

    I'm sorry that I'm being so cruel in here but after standing all her attacks and cruelty towards me and my real family she deserves this... I wish she could see this. I wish she could see what I've become and what I will become... It's going to be a hell of a lot morethan she ever thought I would be. She thought I would never amount to anything and become one of those drug abusing in trouble with the police every other day teenagers... sorry, that's not me... that would be my brother... go figure why they seem to get along on most days.


    Thanks again for listening... feels good to vent
     
  5. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    I'm glad you posted that - its good to get it out, which is more than I've ever done to be brutally honest. Echoing letdown... your mother needs help, but it shouldnt be from you... parents shouldnt rely on their kids because it really SHOULD be the other way around. But then thats life I guess because generally you dont really get what you SHOULD get.

    TDM
     
  6. nicesinging1

    nicesinging1 Well-Known Member

    Hi, Jess. I am very sorry to hear that you had to go through such things already when u r barely 16 now. Truly life is unfair when a good person like u have to go through things like that. You truly don't deserve that. You deserve to live good, stable, ordinary, happy life that most teenagers take for granted.

    I also think you are very strong, admirable person for having the determination and motivation to get through all the obstacles and for becoming an excellent person inside out. If I were u, I might have felt too depressed to focus on academics and just slack off. You never lost ur focus and always maintained good academics. You also said you are really good at softball. That is admirable, too as well.

    Although your mom may not be on ur side, there are a lot of people on SF who are on ur side and admire you for what you fight through everyday and have overcome so far. I truly admire people like u. You are an inspiration and motivation to me to try extra hard to fight through my obstacles and be the best person that I can be.

    Life is complex and works in mysterious ways. I believe with confidence that your life will get better and you will live the life you always dreamed about in the future. Although things are hard and tough now, I believe you can rise above them and become a productive, contributing citizen who makes a difference in our world. I wish you the best in ur journey of life from the bottom of my heart.

    Best Regards,

    -Hank-
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 5, 2006
  7. Lou

    Lou Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear your mum blames you for everything, May be you are better off without her.

    I'm always here if you want to talk.

    {{{hugs}}} to you x
     
  8. Jess

    Jess Guest

    Thanks loud


    appears to be true. Being without her anyways... She never added anything to life but pain.. and problems... only people worth having in your life are those that leave a positive impact.

    Thanks




    :hug:
     
  9. Jess

    Jess Guest

    :sad: oh! just totally aggrevated at one more fun aspect of my family life.. sorry to sound like a whining brat...

    It's 7pm on a saturday night.. I've been home by myself.. since I woke up, uncomfortably early. Because my dads a single parent and this IS america... he's working two jobs... job number one ends on friday... job number two begins saturday morning. one thing I can say. Money sucks! and the need for it sucks even more! I hate seeing him come home everyday so tired.. so exhausted.. trying soo hard just to make things comfortable around here.. and do all this stuff still. I know that so much of it is for me. Playing on the travel softball team costs a pretty penny. But no matter how many times I tell him I don't have to play on that team to be able to play in college.. I mean, if I'm someone worth playing on a college level team then let my skill speak for itself! College will be expensive enough ffs. rather then wasting the money on softball.. all in regards to college anyways. Anways.. where I was going.. he jsut called me to sorta "check in" and told me they'd be at least another hour and to make supper and eat if I was hungry.. he'd be home and eat later. :sad: Why must I feel like a burden to him? Half this mess (at least) is my fault. If it weren't for my mistake of a being then he'd be doing something else somewhere else.... I mean, both him and... the other person.. told me that when they found out about my coming thats what made the decision to get married for them. ahhhg. I'm the depressed one? I can't imagine what's keeping him going when no matter what he does it just ends up needing more work.. something always goes wrong. We had a vacation house. I did 90% of my growing up there. right on the biggest lake in NH... but now we have to sell that because 1. we don't spend enough time there to make it worth the cost. and 2. the cost is getting more and more crazy... my moms not helping with that anymore.. not that she helped for the longest time.. but she used to.

    You know what he's told me since my last... screw up? He's scared that he'll lose me.. and it will be his fault because he's not a better father to me! how can he think that? It's got nothing to do with him! I'm just screwed up... he deserves a better daughter... ahhg. I hate myself for being a burden to him.. them.. anyone

    :cry:
     
  10. crazy

    crazy Well-Known Member

    jess hun i want to thank you for sharing the heartbreaking , stressful things in your life, including your mom. im sure it was hard at first, at the very least to get that stuf out. but i really do thank you for sharing it. it made me feel as if im not the only one going through it.

    see my mom is very similar, to how you described your mom. my mom abandoned, litterally. she gave me to my grandparents....my grandma a drug addict and my grandpa a alcoholic and workaholic. she claims however that i was the one that abandoned her.

    my mom also has tried to kill herself....why.....well she claims it was because the stress i caused her....she also blames me for everything that has eever happened to her, even things that happened before i was born.

    my mom also wrote me a leter when she totally left to the other part of the state.....she explained the reason she left to another city....her reason.....me

    my mom has just now moved back, i am now 21 and she wonders why i cant trust her. she expects me to do everything for her, and i do mean EVERYTHING....from getting her a glass of water to dropping everything and taking her to the er for a stuffy nose to forgeting whatever im doing to get her ice cream any f'ing time she wants it (i have extreame trouble wit that since she is diabetic)....

    its like i have to take care of my mom, take the blame for ALL bad things that happened to her in her entire life...make sure my mom is "safe" and taking her meds as perscribed....keep track of all her appointments.....and in short its like i have to be the mom in the relationship and my mom gets to be the daughter.

    oh ya did i mention if i dont want to do what my mom asks of me when she asks me to do it and how she wants it to be done she uses extreme guilt and manipulation.

    she has never been there for me....why should i be there for her...she cares more about her cats than she does me

    my dad well that was one more thing my mom lied to me about, i thought he was my step dad and so did he. he is however my real dad. he is always tellng me he is afraid he is going to loose me and always apologizing for not being there for me and for the things i have gone through because of my mom.
     
  11. Jess

    Jess Guest

    Hey Crazy :hug:


    Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry that it has to be so similar.. I know how much it sucks to have a lousy mother. I actually won't even call her that anymore. part of the definition of mother is "To watch over, nourish, and protect maternally." She definitely doesn't fit that decription.. the only thing I will give her is the fact that she brought me into this world.

    Thank you again for sharing your story.. it's nice to relate and not be the only one in this type of situation.. sorry though that we relate on such a tough subject.

    Take care
     
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