the feeling grows and grows.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by phasta, Feb 21, 2010.

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  1. phasta

    phasta Member


    i wanted to share my experience and feelings, for what its worth.

    firstly i never imagined that i would ever be suicidal, who does i suppose.

    when i was younger i didnt ever stop to think about how i felt about anything, or anyone. i was never stressed or depressed; i just was.

    as ive gotten older [im 30 now] that has most definately changed.
    looking back i can see that at times in my life i had been stressed and depressed but never acknowledged it.

    over the past 4 years i seem to have systematically ruined my life with a raft of poor decisions. failed relationships, lost jobs, ruined friendships, missed opportunities, developing a severe drug addiction [of which im now 6 months clean], terrible financial decisions, and giving myself differing mental health issues relating mostly caused by my drug use but also overall depression.

    basically i've gone from having a perfect life to having nothing. i'm not trying to be dramatic, nor am i overstating things, its pure reality.

    my suicidal thoughts grown and changed over the last few years.

    when they first started they would upset me, i would be upset that i felt that way, i would think of the consequences, of the upset i would cause and that, then at least, i still had things to live for.

    then i went thru a stage of not being suicidal but of just not caring whether i lived or not.

    and i've now reached a stage where i actually think suicide is a good idea, and it no longer upsets me.

    ive rationalised lots of reasons why its a good idea,
    in general terms as well as for me specifically.

    i do genuinely feel as though i have nothing left to live for.
    in broader terms i do feel that i've led a full life, ive experienced a lot and had a lot of good times. and i don't see why i should struggle on being miserable when i could easily end it.

    im not religious at all, i dont believe in a better place, and i don't think that man has any higher purpose, i think we're all here on this planet out of pure coincidence and that our only duty really is to have as much fun as possible.
    so when the fun stops why should we carry on?

    i know my family and friends would be very upset [at least i'd bloody hope so!], and that really is the only thing thats stopped me up til now.

    i'm not suicidal daily [not usually] but it is becoming more frequent, and less repulsive to me. the times when i am seem to last longer, and i think more specifically about how i could go about it. also i seem to think less and less about who'd be hurt if i did do it.

    i do realise that its not a normal, healthy thing to be thinking and that under my circumstances any normal person would be feeling low too.
    i know that actually its a mental health problem that can be fixed with therapy, drugs, lifestyle changes and a change in circumstances.

    but i'm not sure its worth the effort.

    i'm here for today anyway..
  2. rx4brdm

    rx4brdm Well-Known Member

    It is worth the effort. Though death may end the pain you have now, for your loved ones it will never go away. Keep thinking of them.

    Talk to somebody. Talk to the people here. They helped me a lot. Made me see things from a different point of view.
  3. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    im glad you are here.
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