The feeling that everyone hates you

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Endlessagony, Aug 12, 2010.

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  1. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    Lately I've been struggling with some very difficult things and my mood has been going up and down. For a few brief moments things have felt good and then it always comes sweeping over me like a giant tsunami. I get these feelings that everyone I come across either hates me or despises me. I try to go out and be social but it just ends up extremely unsettling and suffocating. I feel even the people behind the cash register look at me with disgust. Friends seem to betray me and talk behind my back about me.

    My logical mind tries to explain to me that these are just mental reactions that aren't really real. I know it's true but why can't I explain this to my feelings?
    I get really violent and suicidical thoughts when I feel bad and they scare me quite a bit. I just can't live in a world where I'm hated...
     
  2. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    That is my main fear when it comes to social phobia and agoraphobia. I feel like everyone is glaring at me and judging me; planning to hurt me, and just plain hates me.
    It's not something that will go away, even when you KNOW in your mind that people probably don't even really notice you're there- and probably don't know enough about you to hate you.

    It's a horrible feeling that spawns self hatred and paranoia. not fun at all.
     
  3. Louis03

    Louis03 Well-Known Member

    I have low self esteem. I experience social anxiety and such. I'm sure everyone goes through that though it's just harder when you have a bad self image.

    My theory is like this, if you show weakness then you will be on the receiving end of disgust, scorn, even hatred. I view it as natural, it's a defense mechanism. What gives me strength is that I hate them right back.

    There is only one thing to do, that's put on a front and do whatever you have to do to survive because the world is not going to change. If it means you have to be mean to other people, whatever, you have to find a way to cope.
     
  4. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    I just can't be mean to people, that just isn't me at all. I've tried being like really egocentric but it just blew up in my face. I've even tried working out and I've actually become pretty muscular but it still haven't changed a damn thing (or given me any confidence). As an added bonus I now have to deal with insecure bullies who feel threatened by my physical size. I'm totally lost on every account now.

    Right now the only thing I'm doing is getting drunk every night and hoping that I'll someday get the courage to head down to the railroad tracks and do what's inevitable...
    There's just no way I can avoid being the victim anymore.
     
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Wow so many truths. And I agree with Kitty girl. These feelings and thoughts arent something you can simply pretend dont exist. You cant just keep hiding them or sucking them up. They do eventually eat you alive. Become all you know as your reality.

    No you cant pretend or tell your feelings and mind that they dont exist. But maybe with some professional help, a lot of hard work and effort, and most of all, the desire to be able to be just you, you can retrain your mind and feelings not to accept them. To stand up to them. I'm not saying you have to become a mean person or act in a mean manner to others. Guess I'm just trying to say to be nice to yourself, let your self- esteem grow and flow, work at being the person you really want to be instead of the person it feels like you are. I know easier said than done. But something in your post makes me feel like you are one of the lucky ones that can turn this around. :arms:
     
  6. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    I'm just so tired now...
    I've actually been trying for about 10 odd years to get a grip on these feelings but somehow things have always turned sour. There have even been times when I thought I was having a big breakthrough only to find that disaster was lurking just around the corner.
    I had professional help for several years in the form of therapy and medication, it didn't get me anywhere. I can't afford to seek a private therapist so I have to settle for what you get through public healthcare, it's not much I can tell you (if you're lucky enough to even get treatment).

    The thing is I spent my whole childhood being bullied at school and by my family at home. It ended with me being completely isolated in my room for about 3 years because it was too hard to do anything at all. Then I made a bold decision and moved away from home and again I had a lot of hope as I met my girlfriend. Well that just turned out to be another abusive relationship which pretty much ate up the last drops of hope I had.

    What do you do with emotions that are ingrained into your spine and which are completely out of your control? No amount of reasoning will change how I react in conflicts. The only thing that helps is practical things and practice, it's just that it so easily turns against you. I'm just so tired I don't care about anything anymore, this world is cold and void for me.
     
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I too suffer from agoriphobia and socialphobia.. I've been in therapy for five years and the one thing she always drills into my head is that other people don't care two hoots about you.. There in there own worlds and may be just staring your direction..I always fear that people are staring at me, talking about me, and laughing at me...I was doing good getting out of the house in the mornings and then my car broke down..Try not to think about what others are thinking of you.. That is a cognitive distortion( Fortune Telling)..Live your life and try and find hobbies that interest you.. Once you find something you may make friends who have the same interest as you.. Also call your local hospital and ask for mental health.. Once you get them on the phone ask if there are any groups available that deal with depression.. There usually free..
     
  8. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    You said you were going to a 4 year university?

    Hey. I'm 33. 5 years older than you. I'm still at home.

    Hold it together. There're people out there worse off than you that have done worse things. If you're patient and persistent enough it'll pay off.

    If you were local to me I'd want to visit. I don't have any friends. I could come over and say you suck and that I hate you and maybe it would validate your hatred of yourself. Put a picture on the wall that says "I hate myself." We could even draw a picture of you on a big piece of paper and burn it, professing our hatred of you.

    So you went out on your own and your girlfriend was a loser. She was just one. There're others out there. You know that right? Lots of them! If you can handle yourself on your own, then you can find another one. You need to give life a chance.

    I hate on myself too. It's a bad habit. I've made a few posts about this. Hating oneself is unproductive and leads to inaction. I was also bullied in school. I'm too sensitive. People see me, weak as I am, and they love to target practice on me. I'm an old worn box that people throw their junk in. I blame every bit of inaction and incompetence on myself, though. Nobody stopped me from looking for work or pursuing a degree when I should have. Nobody forced me to waste time in my room, for years, shutting out the rest of the world. I did all this myself. The question now is, how the **** am I going to get past the hate and into a productive phase?? I guess, I'm asking the same question that you're. How to end the hate and be constructive?

    I've had every bit of advice out there given to me. I've had it screamed at me. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I don't want to die, but I seem to have the life sucked out of me. Do you feel that way too? I just have no thirst to live big. All I seem to be able to do is sulk and sit on my stupid butt like a dog. I can complain like an expert but I produce no answers.

    And btw, what did you do in your room for 3 years? My computer is my life. I don't know whether to blame it or to blame myself. I was never good with people. I have anxiety in social settings. I go in my room on my computer to avoid them. I am more comfortable on the interweb and inmy inner world, but I get nothing productive done. I just waste away like a leaky gas tank.

    It all started in childhood. It progressed from there. Like you, people used me as a spit bucket. I didn't learn how to adapt or to overcome it. I swallowed their spit and went to the corner. I've been in the corner I think ever since. I just gave up. A coward. If I was someone else, I'd hate me too. I'm just a smelly dog that blocks the door and doesn't move when you tell him to. He must be deaf or stupid. I deserve whatever people tell me. I just wish I CARED enough to pick myself up and DO SOMETHING.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 18, 2010
  9. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    I know there are people who have it worse than me. In the end though what does that help me? Feelings are subjective and nobody can come and say to me that what I feel is wrong. It's not like I want to be socially and emotionally crippled, I'm trying my best to fight it. Maybe the problem is I have my goals set too high in life? I should just settle on being lonely and bitter, hating all of humanity. The problem is inside I'm a very social person, and that's something that's in a huge conflict with my current situation.

    The thing that I hate the most is when I hear someone say "why don't you do something about it?". Logic and emotions don't go hand in hand I'm afraid. What we're dealing with is really post traumatic stress, the mind can't stop being afraid of the situations that are threatening. In this case it's pretty much every social encounter outside your comfort zone. It's not a question of personality or sensitivity, it's been proven in countless tests that exposure to rejection/bullying/isolation at an early age leads to big problems in adapting to society.
     
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