The feelings gone

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Always Alone, Nov 28, 2006.

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  1. Always Alone

    Always Alone Guest

    When I was shut in hospital I wasn't able to cut properly for 9 days. I did manage to do some light cuts, and I could still feel them a little, but I really needed the blood from deeper cuts.

    Now I'm out I still have no knifes, I managed to get one, but its almost blunt, I can get anything out of it. It's weird I wanted to cut so badly yesterday, but when I went to make the deeper cuts I couldn't bring myself to do it, this is killing me I need to feel something!

    I'm blaming the knife, it takes a lot more to get deep with it, but I'm worried that it could be me, did all the crap they told me in hospital actually do something? I like cutting I want to do it, I'm lost here. If I stop I want it to be by my terms, why can't I cut?

    I'm off to get my knifes back from a friend, I doubt she'll give them back, and if she dose I don't know if I can cut. This feels so weird, before I was trying to stop, now I have stopped and I don't want to.
  2. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    sounds strange but i know the feeling...obviously i dont know how you feel..but like the times when ive "tried to stop" as in ive had a couple of good days the felt under such pressure from friends etc that i should try ive managed it for a few weeks...and when it comes down to absolutley desperate needing to cut again, sometimes i find i just..cant do it. but i think, although frustrating and confusing, take this as a good thing..try and find a different (better) way to release whatever you personally are trying to release or find what it is you crave...this isnt the first time ive said it and doubt itll be the last because i have a habit of repeating myself..but writing out feelings, emotions, whats going through your head, letters to people that never get sent, anger, frustration, drawing, scribbling, poetry, expression can really really help. try punching pillows, throwing things i dont know what works for you, even talking to someone, i think that theres something that will work for you..something that will give you the same feeling as SI, the same release, but without being harmful and i hope that you can use this opportunity to try and find it. :hug:
  3. Always Alone

    Always Alone Guest

    Yer that's all good stuff! Esspecial the writing, did a load of that in hospital. I wrote loadsa poems but they were all kinda crap, lol, oh well.

    Whats weird is that right now I don't need any of that to not cut, I really want to cut but can't, I think I'm worried that when I do it won't be how I remember, I'll lose the one fall back I have.

    Anyway I didn't get my knife back, so I can't cut deep right now, even if I started to feel I could.

    I'd like to cut deep once and then try to stop, but somehow I know I can't do that, after I cut I'll be hooked again. I guess I'll have to let my friend keep my knife, and hope that the urge to cut fades.

    Thanks for the advice!
  4. scared_child

    scared_child Account Closed

    well, this has happened to me before. It went away with me, and I started me, okay? i wanna talk to you some more.
  5. BrokenPieces

    BrokenPieces Well-Known Member

    I am wondering if maybe you might have come to terms... and you just dont know it...

    i went through this a long time ago, i was going to stop when i was ready, and now i have been clean for four years soon...

    but it could be that you are just ready to stop...
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