Now my boyfriend's shifts have been put back to 5 days a week. He used to work 4 and get 4 off. Now I have 10 hours a day feeling like my insides are being ripped open on my own. 4 days of it on my own is bad enough, sometimes him giving me a hug takes the misery away, but now he'll be working all week. Me alone each day with the thoughts I'm having right now is not good. I really really love my bf and I am so afraid of myself right now. The pain in my stomach and mood changes arer becoming alot more dramatic, I now gasp in pain in public so everyone looks at me. Everything that comes into contact with me goes along just fine, then it all blows up in people's faces. I'm a curse. I have some idea now what my PMS is like to live with. Right now my throat is raw, I'm losing my voice and I'm having bad pain in my stomach again & serious bouts of depression. Hooray for Codeine addiction, I don't know what I'd do without it. I'm feeling feelings that nobody should even have to think about feeling. I have so many nightmares that sleep wears me out more than being awake, not to mention waking up and feeling violently sick each day (not pregnant for 100% certain and it's gone on for 3-4 years since I took the pill). It would be so easy to give up, to snuff the curse that is me out. Nobody knows I have these thoughts, and nobody ever will. My body simply will not allow me to live the way I want to, I'm too sore, pouring with sweat, having migranes, feeling sick, or too weak to do any of the things most people do. I wish I had money because then I would pay and have a hysterectomy and be done. Maybe then I could live my life without these symptoms. I don't, and no NHS doctor will even look at me never mind just do this without ramming more plastic hormones & anti depressants down my throat for years first. I just want it over, closed. No meds, no pills, just nothing. I'd much rather have the menopause symptoms for a while than have this. I feel so horrible saying this because some women can't conceive and if your one of them I'm sorry for my ungreatful words. Feeling this way is bad enough with someone, on your own it's just one massive void of pain. All I'll have when my bf is working is music, it's the only thing I can relate to, never found a song about PMDD though lol I don't want money, I don't want a social life, I don't want anything I lack now, I just want NEVER TO HAVE ANOTHER MENSTRUAL CYCLE AGAIN.