the final proof that life hates me

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Lethal Photography, May 12, 2009.

  1. Lethal Photography

    Lethal Photography Well-Known Member

    So first of all, school sucks. After calling my mum 3 weeks ago to tell her that I didn't care about finishing the semester because I wanted to kill myself from the stress and asked her to take me home, she came up to MA. Of course, I found out on her arrival that she wasn't coming to take me home, but to get me to finish no matter what. She had even booked a hotel room for the next two weeks as a backup to guilt-trip me if nothing else worked. Not only that, she did nothing to decrease either the work or the stress. Actually, she elevated the stress, as every second I was not doing schoolwork(including checking my school email, as one of my teachers likes to send up to 60 pages extra reading last minute), she was asking me when I was going to do it, and telling me that I should. Naturally, this made me even more high-strung.

    So, out of all my classes, the one I hate most is chorus, as the teacher can't teach, and the other members for some reason think that eighth notes should be sung the same length as half-notes. It's only one credit, and it makes my Wednesdays miserable. At a class time of 7-9 in the evening, it means my whole day, straight through, I am in either class or work, with about a half hour's time for dinner and lunch. So, about a month and a half ago, the chorus teacher, Jack, told us the date of the final concert, a day I knew I wouldn't be able to make because of my aunt's graduation, and I told him so that night. He said okay. On the last day of classes, the day before I was going home(I don't have finals, only final papers), I was talking to a friend before class, and she had asked when I was going home. He overheard, came over, and, rather loudly, told me I was going to fail the class if I missed the concert. It didn't matter that I had been to all the classes, it didn't matter that he had said it was okay, it didn't matter that my aunt was finally getting her college degree at 45. He then kicked me out of the class. So this pass/fail class that I had picked up for the credit, that had been such a nightmare, is now lowering my GPA considerably.

    All this stress and schoolwork made it harder for me to get time to talk to my boyfriend, who is long-distance, in England. Then, when I had time again, he would barely respond to my attempts at conversation. Over the past week, we've been talking things out, and it's just been starting to look like things are getting better. I'm in Indiana now, my aunt's graduation was yesterday, and I wrote one of my two remaining papers today. Tonight, right before I was planning on going to bed, I opened my email to write to my boyfriend, telling him about what's been going on(most of the family here I see once every few years, so I haven't been online since I got here two days ago) and to tell him I love him. In my inbox, I find a letter from him saying he wants to take a break. The irony is killing me. Literally. First of all, I think it will do more harm than good, as the email says he still wants to talk regularly, etc. I mean, is me not being his girlfriend more likely to get him to talk to me? Second, as our relationship is mostly text-based, the only difference will be we won't type "*kiss*", and I'll feel awkward about showing any affection, and it will just be bottled up. He's been my best friend for 5 years, boyfriend for 7 months, the only reason I gave up cutting and suicide attempts, and I've been making plans to move to England when I can get a work visa and afford my own apartment there. Not even move in with him, just move so that I can see him more than four fucking times a year.

    So now my life has completely fallen apart. Even if I wanted to go back to school next year, I couldn't, because I was on academic probation, and I'm not allowed to fail any classes. I don't even know what I'm doing, other than living with my parents and getting some shitty part-time job if I'm lucky. I don't even have my damn high school diploma since I dropped out in order to go to this college.

    FUCK.
     
  2. Lethal Photography

    Lethal Photography Well-Known Member

    god, and now my ex(not the one in the above post, the one before him), is trying to talk to me again. geez, i don't want him talking to me, he always hits on me way more than is appropriate, brings up my attempts, and tries to convince me to do drugs. i think this past month has been the winner of shit all happening at once.
     
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Not really anything that will help you with your situation but I'm sending some huge hugs your way just so you know someone cares hun. Yeah it's been the month from Hell but maybe next month will get a little better and again the following month. And hey even a teeny bit of good has to be better than all the shit you have had. So please hang in there. Take the hugs, wrap your arms around them and just sit down and take a breather. Then get up and see what tomorrow has to offer.
     
  4. Lethal Photography

    Lethal Photography Well-Known Member

    Thanks. Finally a little good news. First, after I finish a paper today and email it in, I'm done with all schoolwork until I choose to enroll somewhere else. Difficult subject matter to research, especially when there are pictures(it's for a gender and violence class with a focus on the military), but once that's in, it's done. Second, next weekend I get to see two close friends I hardly ever see. Hopefully the nightmare will end with school. They've always seemed to work together in the past.
     
  5. Lethal Photography

    Lethal Photography Well-Known Member

    God, it must be ex-boyfriend week. The one who sexually abused me was outside my dad's work today...>_<

    (I know it sounds like I've had a million boyfriends, but it's more that when I'm depressed, I'm more likely to agree to a date because I'm so lonely. Unfortunately, the people who tend to ask me out are either a)obsessive, b)abusive, c)using me, or d)all of the above.)
     
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hey how are you doing? Hope things have smoothed out a bit for you.
     
  7. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Well, it sounds like that at least you have no trouble meeting guys. Maybe soon you'll meet one that isn't abusive, obsessive or a user. And, you finished the paper. Continue to post or just vent. If you want, you can private message me any time, I respond to all.
     
  8. Lethal Photography

    Lethal Photography Well-Known Member

    That's the problem though. The one who just broke up with me was that guy. Talking to him and being with him made me so happy. Ironic that all my other boyfriends lived 5-20 minutes away and he lived across an ocean. Which is what tore it apart...