The Final Solution

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by MarkLevin7, Feb 21, 2010.

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  1. MarkLevin7

    MarkLevin7 Member

    Sorry about the title, I just couldn't resist the opportunity to jump on such a lame play on words. Anyways...

    Howdy, my name is Drew. I have wanted to kill myself for a few days now, and nearly did multiple times. In fact, the only reason I made it through last Thursday is because it takes <mod edit: *useless*: methods>, and my mother only had 450 m left in her container. So, that was luck.

    In the beginning, I was on top of the world. I had the most wonderful family ever, smarts, a girl who I loved (still do), and all that... Here is an incomplete list of events (some of them go together, which is why I didn't say "reasons") that make me want to kill myself:

    EVENT 1: My downfall began when I was at a Speech and Debate tournament (add that to the list of things I had--awesome debate skills). I was sitting in the middle of a round when I received a text from my little sister that said "Granddad's heart is weak and he might lose his leg." So, I left the round and found out that my grandpa was in the hospital for three reasons: (1) He had ulcers on his legs, (2) he was having heart problems, and (3) his leg was in enormous pain (this was actually a separate thing from the first). Naturally, I was quite put off by this.

    Now, I was assured that his heart would make it, so that was okay. His leg, however, was a different matter. They were literally preparing their saws to cut it off. And then by some miracle of God his leg recovered just barely to the point where it didn't need to be taken off, but it is still a HUGE problem.

    Now, you have to understand that I never met my father... So if I lose Granddad... That means everything to me...

    EVENT 2: At this point, I am in the IB program (a program for awesome high-schoolers). Now I've been kicked out. My GPA is 2.1. And this is someone who once got a 183% on a science test. I know all the answers, but I'm such a ****-up that I slacked off way, way, WAY too much. And it's too late to fix it now. My chances of getting into a good college are about 0%, even if I did get a 27-31 on the ACT like the PLAN said I would. So, my whole future is dead from here...

    EVENT 3: I had arguably the most amazing girl in the world. Now, I'm a Christian, and I don't do the whole modern teen "let's go have sex and drink and get high" thing... Never touched cigarettes/drugs/alcohol, and still a virgin. (I was just saying that to clarify that this isn't a teenage romance thing, I really loved her).

    We had been dating for a while, and things were going great. It had gotten to the point where we had agreed that we would get married after college, and had discussed our future lives together. And then all of the sudden, she decides to dump me. She said I didn't care enough about myself because I cared about her. In essence, here is the logic:

    -You love me, so you care about me.
    -Because you care about me, I'm going to leave you.

    And then she goes on to say that people our age can't be in love... After so long of saying she loved me... She says teen relationships can't last. Really? My grandparents started dating in 9th grade, and they're still married today. Furthermore, whatever happened to the Bible? "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." -1 Timothy 4:12

    EVENT 4: My great aunt died. Need I say more? ~.~ A tear shed for those lost. ~.~

    EVENT 5: After months of slow recovery, my Granddad's leg has taken a turn for the worse and they are now saying it may never be healed.

    EVENT 6: I'm riding home one day in my sister's car, and she's listening to music (I normally listen to Conservative talk radio, but it's her car, so I can't switch the station), and we only heard three songs on the way home. The first was a guy specifically saying he wanted to commit suicide. The second was a guy saying his life was over because his girl left him. The third said to follow what you feel inside, which, at this point, was suicide. I didn't know whether to take this as a sign from God, or just another reason why I should kill myself.

    EVENT 7: I have no friends because everyone hates me because I'm a Conservative.

    EVENT 8: I made a suicidal comment to someone, and the told me I should kill myself...

    EVENT 9: Another persons said that I can't kill myself because then no one would be there to win Speech and Debate tournaments with them. Wow, that's my purpose in life? The only reason I deserve to live is to help him win?

    EVENT 10: I have no skills or abilities except for arguing politics, which is not useful when you can't get into a good college. So I have no future whatsoever.

    EVENT 11: I have been in detention 5 times this year and ISS once. I was in ISS and detention multiple times in middle school, too, which further adds to the impossibility of my future.

    So, that's it. That's why I'm gonna kill myself. Like I said, I was gonna use <mod edit: *useless* methods>, but I don't have enough. I wanna try <mod edit: *useless: methods>
    I really dono why I'm even here to begin with...

    Amen, and God bless America,
    Drew Underwood
    <mod edit: *useless*: removed personal details>
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 21, 2010
  2. Kelsi

    Kelsi Account Closed

    Wow, all that really sucks. You have it rough right now, really rough. It sounds to me you are very serious about this. Youve used the skills youve honed in debate to come to a suicidal conclusion. This seems very well thought out. But really?

    I have no idea how old you are, and if you are half as smart as you claim to be, then Im sure you wont have many problems in college. So you may not get exactly what you wanted. But there is much more to life then the college you want to attend.

    I am a liberal lesbian, you and I would probably not agree on anything. But I would miss you because I know the world needs people like you. Who stand by there convictions when everyone else is telling you youre wrong. I know Im not the only one who would miss you.

    I have a daughter and if anything where to happen to her, it would kill me. I love her dearly. As Im sure your family loves you. Im not trying to make you feel guilty for this. Im just trying to give a little perspective. Just please reconsider what you are thinking about doing. Like I said, the world needs more people like you, not less.
  3. MarkLevin7

    MarkLevin7 Member

    First of all I'd like to clarify something -- I support gay/lesbian rights. Using Conservative logic, it would be immoral to deny that individual right. I am a libertarian. Moving on...

    As far as debate logic goes, you have to make cases for and debate for both sides of the topic in debate. I can prove that suicide is correct or I can prove it is incorrect. Really, it depends on how hypocritical I feel like being. Generally, I say it is incorrect for anyone but me to do it. I, however, am allowed to.

    And about age, I am 15.

    And about seriousness... I tried to do it, and it failed. I am "deadly serious." But I always feel better when someone listens to me, so thanks for replying, it helped.

    You're right that I won't have problems in college, because I can't get into one. I made too many mistakes in my life so far by slacking off. I mean, I got a freaking 104% on my last trigonometry test... and yet I have a D- in that class. Joy.
  4. Kelsi

    Kelsi Account Closed

    I hope I didnt offend. It wasnt my goal.

    One thing Ive noticed from the beginning is how smart you seem to be. So when I say you shouldnt have any problems getting into college, I mean it. I am one smart bitch, and I can usually tell when I have either met my match or someone more intelligent then me.

    I say all that to say that Im in college, and if I am in college, anyone can be. But I dont want to harp and sound like a mother. :)

    Just whatever you do know there are people that care. I am one of them. :hug:
  5. MarkLevin7

    MarkLevin7 Member

    You didn't offend me, I just don't like that everyone assumes I hate homosexuals because I am a Christian Conservative. ;)

    I'm not "smart," relative to what I've been given. My family has been pretty good in the educational sector for a long time. In fact, God blessed us in almost every area of our existence, I just let God down in so many of those areas...

    I don't think I can get into a good college. They look at cumulative GPA and class rank, which are 2.1 and 200/350 respectively, at the moment.

    You getting into college in no way proves that I will get into college.

    Yeah, there are people that care... People that I've let down every step of the way from the beginning... If we are to learn from our past as Churchill said we should, we should learn that I am not reliable... I am no good...
  6. Kelsi

    Kelsi Account Closed

    I dont know you that well, but I can only assume they have let you down in the past as well.
    i can tell you that you are an amazing person just by reading the things you have written. You seem passionate, honest, sincere, and unafraid to speak your mind. S youve made mistakes. To you these are horrible mistakes. I understand. As a christian you should know god loves you and wouldnt burden you with anything you couldnt handle.

    Here are a few verses for you to think about.

    I Corinthians 10:13
    No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

    Romans 8:31
    What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?

    When I was a christian these were a few verses that really helped me through the tough times. Also if you need anyone to talk to I am here. PM me anythime.
  7. nimbus

    nimbus Well-Known Member

    i have to be honest here....i was shocked to find out your age. after reading some of what you wrote i would have guessed someone that was already college educated.

    we probably have a lot of differing viewpoints on philosophy and such but i appreciated reading what you had to say. while i can't offer anything concrete as a solution to your problems know that there is someone that understands some of what you are going through.

    our presents might be very different but my past and your present seem to have a lot in common.
  8. nimbus

    nimbus Well-Known Member

    oh, and god forbid any educators or parents are listening to what i have to say here but know this:

    college doesn't make the man. the man makes the man. i went to college for a few years but didn't graduate. hell, i didn't even "graduate" high school but i've done ok for myself. admittedly it depends on what you want to do but your education doesn't guarantee you a great job, neither does the lack thereof, rob you of one.
  9. MarkLevin7

    MarkLevin7 Member

    Yes, I am unafraid to speak my mind, but that's not always a good thing. It's gotten me into trouble many times in the past.

    Well, God burdens people all the time that they "can't handle." At least in theory, you can "handle" any Earthly situation, just not on your own sometimes. And I don't think I can handle all of this on my own...

    Thanksmuch for the quotes.

    You don't have to compliment me to make me feel better, I'm certainly not thinking on a college level. But thanks.

    But I don't know what job I would be good at without college...
  10. MarkLevin7

    MarkLevin7 Member

    I am very annoyed... My mother doesn't seem to be using her Effexor, so she will never get it replaced... <mod edit: *useless* : methods>
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 23, 2010
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