The fire has died

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Endlessagony, Mar 28, 2015.

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  1. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    I feel so crappy today, once again. I was supposed to take care of things but it's all piling up and I'm helpless. I can't get a grasp on life, everything just slips through my fingers. I really have no will to fight, I just feel like giving up. The future doesn't exist for me in my head. I can't see anything that could ease my pain. The fire I used to have which helped me move forward is gone, replaced by a black hole that sucks everything.

    I feel physically ill and tired all the time, sleep is restless and unrefreshing. Seeing a doctor again on tuesday and I don't know what I'm more afraid of: that he'll find something serious or that he finds nothing at all. I have a support network but I can't break out of my glass prison. Paralyzed and tormented I watch life slip by.

    I'm so scared...
     
  2. Vaughan

    Vaughan Well-Known Member

  3. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    It's just not bad days I'm having, the last 4 years have been almost constant hell (save for a 6 month period). It was a well written post and I agree with a lot of it. I just don't have the strength to endure anymore. My dreams and hopes have been the only thing driving my forward through a painful life, now I have given up on those dreams. Despite all my efforts the past 15 years I haven't achieved anything I wanted to. Those things kept me alive and kept me struggling but I can't see them anymore, it's dark.

    I'm afraid to have hope because I have been burned to the ground so many times before. I know what I should be doing but I can't, I'm unable to do anything.
     
  4. Vaughan

    Vaughan Well-Known Member

    I have been in a position of "Acute Depression" for many years. It does feel like forever sometimes, doesn't it?

    Glad to hear you're seeing your doctor. At the end of the day I don't think this illness is something we can work out ourselves, we need outside help.
     
  5. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    I'm actually seeing the doctor (ear/nose/throat) for physical reasons, lumps in my cheek and neck. I've felt sick for a long time now but I don't know how much of it is caused by my depression and anxiety. I'm 32 years old but I feel like a hundred.

    The funny thing is I'm pretty muscular, before things turned really bad I was very active with exercising. It helped me deal with all my issues. Apart from my atopic skin and persistent eye infections I look quite healthy so many people do not believe I could be so broken. I've even had doctors and a psychiatrist sneer at me, thinking that I'm exaggerating when I try to tell them about my pain. Part of the problem is also that I've become quite adept at masking my weakness and pain. I might seem very confident and strong most of the time but it is just a shield. Only now have I slowly started to open up a bit at the NA meetings I attend. Tomorrow I'm also going to go to AA.

    I struggle a lot with doubt. Even at the meetings where people are brutally honest about themselves and open up I fear they will look at me with disdain if I open up. They are wonderful people but it's so hard to place trust in anyone, I'm frozen most of the time. I'm going to continue going though even if it feels almost impossible. There is a small glimmer of hope that I could find some much needed real support and empathy there. The professionals don't really offer it, they just tell me things I already know about myself.
     
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Maybe your feelings could be a physical reaction to a underlying issue going on in your body?

    What about going back into excerising again?
     
  7. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    I've been depressed a long time but the last year or so I've been physically ill all the time. I've seen a doctor a few times about this but never have gotten any further examinations other than some bloodwork which didn't indicate anything special. Tomorrow I'm seeing the throat doctor and I'm scared as hell, something is wrong of that I'm sure. I'm about ready to just give up. Everything around me is caving in but I can't even deal with that right now. As an added bonus my tooth (wisdom tooth) chipped in the morning today for no apparent reason, another thing I have to deal with now.

    Mentally I'm preparing for my inevitable demise, even though my rational side tells me not to jump to any crazy conclusions. A part of me even feels relieved when I think it could end here, at least the pain would be gone. Both my mind and body are ill and I'm at the edge of my tolerance.

    I've been trying to exercise but right now it feels like walking in tar. When I do get something done it does little to alleviate the pain. People say hang in there and it will get better but what if it doesn't? Even small tasks take an enormous amount of effort and people can't see that. I'm immediately expected to perform at full capacity when I get something done. "See that wasn't so hard, now do this and this and this". I'm exhausted.
     
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