The forbidden google-search

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by stgpepper, Nov 28, 2009.

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  1. stgpepper

    stgpepper New Member

    Hey all!

    I found this site while I was googling things Im not suppose to google. Havnt decided yet wheater there is a good or bad thing I found this site.

    Im 20 years old and have about 6 serious suicideattempts on my record and a dousin of minor ones, the first one accoured at the age of 12.

    Im struggeling right now. I dont know what do to. My finals are comming up and I feel I couldt care less. Im provocing my boyfriend to imature arguments and the last week Ive been living on a sleepingpill-alcohol-cocktail, havent eaten for 4 days or something.

    Im rambling, its the sleepingpills and a bottle of wine I guess. I dont feel like living anymore. I dont wanna live anymore and come to think of it; when have I ever wanted to live?

    Sure life has had it small and cute moments, but overall? No? Why should I live? I tiered of living for EVERYBODY ELSE! Aint it my descion to choose wheater to live or not?

    So, now I finally come to a point where I decied its time. I promised myself many many years ago that I would never live longer then 20 - just to make sure I looked in to all the oppertunites and joy, etc and I have that now, with the conclusion that its time for me to go.
    The problem is my previous failed attempts. I cant stand going in to institutional care again, so I really have to make it REAL this time - I dont want to fail. But then I´ve been thinking about it - and in order to make it real - I have to make it brutal. I dont wanna do it a home - I have not the heart to have my boyfriend discover me and I cant do it in public - like jumping infront of a train. I couldnt do that to the traindriver.

    Yes, Iam a suicidal with consideration, but its making this tough.
  2. nok1888

    nok1888 Well-Known Member

    I tiered of living for EVERYBODY ELSE!

    This may sound a bit daft (especially coming from me), but, have you ever tried turning this around and acually stop living for others and puting yourself first from now on? Maybe take time by yourself and figure out what things you would like to do for yourself, live life for you. Start small a night in front of the telly wi a few films n chocolates then build to other things like going to the gym or take a night course on whatever interests you. I did this, started a night course, just one night a week and it makes a big difference getting out of the house and away from work and do something you like
  3. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    Hi stgpepper,

    I'm glad you found this site! I hope you'll stick around and get to know the folks here, and we'll try to help you through whatever you're dealing with.

    You mentioned "things that [you're] not supposed to google." Can I ask what you mean when you say that?
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