Hey all! I found this site while I was googling things Im not suppose to google. Havnt decided yet wheater there is a good or bad thing I found this site. Im 20 years old and have about 6 serious suicideattempts on my record and a dousin of minor ones, the first one accoured at the age of 12. Im struggeling right now. I dont know what do to. My finals are comming up and I feel I couldt care less. Im provocing my boyfriend to imature arguments and the last week Ive been living on a sleepingpill-alcohol-cocktail, havent eaten for 4 days or something. Im rambling, its the sleepingpills and a bottle of wine I guess. I dont feel like living anymore. I dont wanna live anymore and come to think of it; when have I ever wanted to live? Sure life has had it small and cute moments, but overall? No? Why should I live? I tiered of living for EVERYBODY ELSE! Aint it my descion to choose wheater to live or not? So, now I finally come to a point where I decied its time. I promised myself many many years ago that I would never live longer then 20 - just to make sure I looked in to all the oppertunites and joy, etc and I have that now, with the conclusion that its time for me to go. The problem is my previous failed attempts. I cant stand going in to institutional care again, so I really have to make it REAL this time - I dont want to fail. But then I´ve been thinking about it - and in order to make it real - I have to make it brutal. I dont wanna do it a home - I have not the heart to have my boyfriend discover me and I cant do it in public - like jumping infront of a train. I couldnt do that to the traindriver. Yes, Iam a suicidal with consideration, but its making this tough.