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The forsaken

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#1
Trust me, this is not another Outsider thread. For those who don't know, I made a series of related threads, all titled "Outsider". I don't recommend reading them.

What do you do when most of the time you only want to kill yourself?
Working gives you a slight sense of identity. It's stressful and time-consuming but it makes you feel more alive and purposeful. I enjoy being at work more than at home.
No one cares about me at home. No one there for me at home. No one listens to me at home.

It's harder to smile when the most major thing you have inside your mind is suicide.
It's harder to speak when the most major thing you have inside your mind is suicide.
It's harder to live when the most major thing you have inside your mind is suicide.
For the pain, the sadness, the madness, the worries, the anger is found within one person, who lacks hope, love and common sense.

I wish that I haven't been born.
I pray for God to accept my request to kill myself.
I think this is enough for me.
That's all. I don't want to keep violating this forum's guidelines by adding more details about what is going on.

There are exaggerations in this thread. It's for expressing purpose. There are lies, probably.
PS: For the mod/staff is reading and considering to delete this thread. I check the Resource section casually. My country is not on those lists, so we both have to accept the fact that not every country has a suicidal prevention crisis hotline.
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#2
Trust me, this is not another Outsider thread. For those who don't know, I made a series of related threads, all titled "Outsider". I don't recommend reading them.

What do you do when most of the time you only want to kill yourself?
Working gives you a slight sense of identity. It's stressful and time-consuming but it makes you feel more alive and purposeful. I enjoy being at work more than at home.
No one cares about me at home. No one there for me at home. No one listens to me at home.

It's harder to smile when the most major thing you have inside your mind is suicide.
It's harder to speak when the most major thing you have inside your mind is suicide.
It's harder to live when the most major thing you have inside your mind is suicide.
For the pain, the sadness, the madness, the worries, the anger is found within one person, who lacks hope, love and common sense.

I wish that I haven't been born.
I pray for God to accept my request to kill myself.
I think this is enough for me.
That's all. I don't want to keep violating this forum's guidelines by adding more details about what is going on.

There are exaggerations in this thread. It's for expressing purpose. There are lies, probably.
PS: For the mod/staff is reading and considering to delete this thread. I check the Resource section casually. My country is not on those lists, so we both have to accept the fact that not every country has a suicidal prevention crisis hotline.
Hi johnDoen,

I know we've spoken before, and on this topic or issue (too!)... : ) So, here are my "current," ~thoughts. . .

I'm wondering if that last little bit, "There are exaggerations & ..." is in part - (part of!) 'The lie?' in a way. . . I could see it really being either or; which is why I ask, or simply more an extemporaneous mediation on a thought, or theme, that has been ruminating in one's mind for just a bit to long. And now it is being expressed, albeit "truthfully~" ...somewhat more in a 'Creative,' fashion / manner / or sense-

I will also say again, as I think I have in the past (if you've been fortunate enough to catch them before it is too late)--that I do think you are in a fairly, or very, delicate time for, or in one's life. I mean, you're sort of right smack dab in the middle of a "Prime," in my mind. . . for such a thing, to exist (that being, of course, a 'sucicial mind.') - if one can consider it such. Now, not everybody follows this path or has their trajectory shared in this same way. But I do think, that just due to the sort of course & timing of where one is often in Life, during this / or these stage; or stages - let's just roughly call it your 20's, but for me, if we're going to "hyper focus," in even more (& this was Especially the case, for me, so I can indeed identify & relate-) early to late 20's.

But my point (in all of this) is This! It does indeed get - if not better - I WILL SAY. . . "Easier," if that makes sense? Yes, the thought & feelings & yearnings may still come and go. But I do think as you age and enter into different decades in Life (& well before that, of course), that what you will tend to see is a 'blunting,' of these extreme feelings & emotions; as well as, to some certain extent: "behavior." So, while it doesn't ever maybe always go away for good. And sometimes it does, for some! It can become less all encompassing, and powerful, in my experience and in my mind-

So, I don't know how to tell you to hold on & wait for that - as that can seem a long ways off, in the distance. But just trying to provide for you some hope in the future. Things don't stay this way indefinitely. Obviously, with professional help, these efforts &/or 'results,' can be both enhanced And expedited. I do realize, or understand, based on your testimony, the difficulty with which you face in attaining these services in a practical regard. Maybe one day you can relocate to a location where this would provide for you an opportunity to be given this luxury afforded so many of the rest of us on or around here. Even then, you see, there's no guarantees. But I'd still like to take my best shot, and give it a go, just to see how far I can come, and progress in a positive & healthy/beneficial way, for myself and for those that I care about most in Life~.

Anyway, I don't know what else to say? ; ) Good luck, and don't give up hope! You can get through this (seemingly endless misery & pit of never ending darkness). . . It just doesn't seem like it now - but that doesn't mean it will always be so. :^)
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#3
Hi johnDoen,

I know we've spoken before, and on this topic or issue (too!)... : ) So, here are my "current," ~thoughts. . .

I'm wondering if that last little bit, "There are exaggerations & ..." is in part - (part of!) 'The lie?' in a way. . . I could see it really being either or; which is why I ask, or simply more an extemporaneous mediation on a thought, or theme, that has been ruminating in one's mind for just a bit to long. And now it is being expressed, albeit "truthfully~" ...somewhat more in a 'Creative,' fashion / manner / or sense-

I will also say again, as I think I have in the past (if you've been fortunate enough to catch them before it is too late)--that I do think you are in a fairly, or very, delicate time for, or in one's life. I mean, you're sort of right smack dab in the middle of a "Prime," in my mind. . . for such a thing, to exist (that being, of course, a 'sucicial mind.') - if one can consider it such. Now, not everybody follows this path or has their trajectory shared in this same way. But I do think, that just due to the sort of course & timing of where one is often in Life, during this / or these stage; or stages - let's just roughly call it your 20's, but for me, if we're going to "hyper focus," in even more (& this was Especially the case, for me, so I can indeed identify & relate-) early to late 20's.

But my point (in all of this) is This! It does indeed get - if not better - I WILL SAY. . . "Easier," if that makes sense? Yes, the thought & feelings & yearnings may still come and go. But I do think as you age and enter into different decades in Life (& well before that, of course), that what you will tend to see is a 'blunting,' of these extreme feelings & emotions; as well as, to some certain extent: "behavior." So, while it doesn't ever maybe always go away for good. And sometimes it does, for some! It can become less all encompassing, and powerful, in my experience and in my mind-

So, I don't know how to tell you to hold on & wait for that - as that can seem a long ways off, in the distance. But just trying to provide for you some hope in the future. Things don't stay this way indefinitely. Obviously, with professional help, these efforts &/or 'results,' can be both enhanced And expedited. I do realize, or understand, based on your testimony, the difficulty with which you face in attaining these services in a practical regard. Maybe one day you can relocate to a location where this would provide for you an opportunity to be given this luxury afforded so many of the rest of us on or around here. Even then, you see, there's no guarantees. But I'd still like to take my best shot, and give it a go, just to see how far I can come, and progress in a positive & healthy/beneficial way, for myself and for those that I care about most in Life~.

Anyway, I don't know what else to say? ; ) Good luck, and don't give up hope! You can get through this (seemingly endless misery & pit of never ending darkness). . . It just doesn't seem like it now - but that doesn't mean it will always be so. :^)
I understand what you mean. My low points come and go, probably every 3 days. It won't stay forever but it lingers for days. I'm sick from all these cycles and the abandonment of others. Everything is calm before the storm, all I need is one day, or one night to end it all.

There are exaggerations in this thread. It's for expressing purpose. There are lies, probably.
This is probably an example of my insanity. Impostor syndrome, multiple personalities, or just a habit of generating different perspectives for open-mindedness. I cannot quite explain it, to be honest, so I give examples, like the ones below.
Perhaps, I should learn to accept the fact that no one cares about me. (Exaggeration)
Perhaps, I should learn to accept the fact that no one in my surroundings (family, friends, etc.) cares about me because I'm a working adult, and I am expected to take care of myself and shut up without any more complaining. (Clearer version)
Professional help failed me once. It was expensive, humiliating, exhausting and freezing. Is it a proper therapy work for locking me up in a small, air-conditioned room and demanding me to answer questions with the presence of my parents for 30 - 45 minutes?
How can I find a proper therapist this time? Money is not an easy thing for me but I'll have to pay. Nothing is free in life.

PS: You have a visual style of typing, as in I can imagine you speaking while reading. It's not easy to read, maybe because English is not my native language. I envy that. I remember my parents usually tell me to be more extrovert-like, loud and outgoing for the sake of having a proper place in life. But, there are things I cannot just change.
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#4
I understand what you mean. My low points come and go, probably every 3 days. It won't stay forever but it lingers for days. I'm sick from all these cycles and the abandonment of others. Everything is calm before the storm, all I need is one day, or one night to end it all.


This is probably an example of my insanity. Impostor syndrome, multiple personalities, or just a habit of generating different perspectives for open-mindedness. I cannot quite explain it, to be honest, so I give examples, like the ones below.



Professional help failed me once. It was expensive, humiliating, exhausting and freezing. Is it a proper therapy work for locking me up in a small, air-conditioned room and demanding me to answer questions with the presence of my parents for 30 - 45 minutes?
How can I find a proper therapist this time? Money is not an easy thing for me but I'll have to pay. Nothing is free in life.

PS: You have a visual style of typing, as in I can imagine you speaking while reading. It's not easy to read, maybe because English is not my native language. I envy that. I remember my parents usually tell me to be more extrovert-like, loud and outgoing for the sake of having a proper place in life. But, there are things I cannot just change.
No, John! -This is ALL "Great," ~Stuff. . ; ) And I'm laughing at some of the comments you've made, in relation or regards to -- "me!" (Oh, the ego?) : )

No, but seriously, though. . . Most (of many) of the people on here - cannot understand me (or my writing, 'style,' if you'd like to be so kind, or generous to call or consider it such..;)) And a lot of them can only speak one language (fluently), that I am aware of - at least in my Home Country. :^) So, it is DEFINITELY Not you, and another great or interesting / perhaps, "perceptive" or "highly intuitive," point that you make about the way I write - or type. Is that I think, it is, in part just that! (An "attempt," ~to get others to 'hear,' things. . . As I 'say,' them). And Lord knows I can't write well enough to get this point across in any sort of clear, concise or meaningful way! So, much respect (great) to you, my friend! : D

And now, onto more morose matters (I'm joking, of course, or overstating...) ! : )

... No - what you say, or have said & stated there-- in your "explanation," of these exaggerations, is beyond perfect and understandable to me. Where I in fact, to try to express the same thing. Believe me, it would come across as ten times more ambiguous, confusing, and probably just down right frustrating to most...

Now, when you were being 'interrogated,' for lack of a better term, by the "professional services," with which you sought help and in the comfort, or presence (company, therefore) of your parents, or folks. . . Were you at this time a Minor? Or, in other words, under their care - but also, "legally?" (speaking...) Just trying to ascertain if that was anything of an abnormal experience for one under the conditions, or if it was more the fact that you were at that time, in a state of crisis, and therefore maybe just a little more unstable than they'd have cared or preferred to treat you in a more solo & less "hands-on," approach of things?

Also, I understand that your over-all experiences with this line of treatment have been vastly and overwhelmingly in the negative. But what other alternatives have you got? Beyond what you really want, or tend to type (that is to say, "think") about, a lot~ // which is - of course, not what we would want-

For instance, were you living here in the States, there's a chance your Insurance (health) would cover all of your psychological &/or psychiatric services, just depending. Canada, probably even a better chance of that happening. But even here - sometimes you can get partial coverage as well. So that it isn't entirely "out-of-pocket," so to speak. Otherwise, nearly nobody (who doesn't have the cash or funds) would be putting these services to good use, and thus utlizing their talents, to see the fruits of their labor (the doctors & such) . . . from all those years of hard work & training; beyond the rich or what-have-you! : )
As an aside: (another thing about my 'writing,' on here); is that when I go to type a smile, or whatever, it doesn't turn into the emoji-style "colored," (yellow) thing... Until I hit Send, or Post - whatever it is, here! So, you know~.? I know that's no good excuse or reason, as I've been doing this (for) long enough now - or it's been that way on this format of the latest site version, or upgraded edition, for quite some time... but then again, what can I tell you? I'm a "slow-learner," & very 'forgetful!' Meaning, just about each & every time I see it "read back," or once it is 'printed,' / (published) so to speak--& I can then see all those little smiley faces scattered all over (my, I guess~.) 'creation,' I am always equal parts baffled; & amused, sometimes bemused & bewildered, or otherwise just uncommonly annoyed (well, maybe it's not so "un," -common. . . but I was struggling to come up with a good adjective there!) ; ) HA.

I would only offer or share to you that this experience with which you've described in detail of your more harrowing ordeal at the hospital, or clinic - whereever it was... is not likely to be your experience here, or anyplace else like this. . . Unless you were exhibiting more criminal level of insanity, or what have you? Here, they TRY to treat you like a human being. They TRY not to belittle or dehumanize you (the nurses in the ward/ or inpatient units that I have encountered, don't seem to always overly subscribe to this theory). But I have found, in my experience any way, that the further you go "UP!" the food chain, of qualifications - in other words, a psychiatrist is better than a physician (general, or primary care/family/internal medicine); & a psychologist can kind of be a "mixed bag," meaning some incredible. Quite a few, curious to me - as to why they chose the field. . . ? But I am wandering or staying from the original point, I think - ( I don't know, I can't really see or read the screen this time of day with the sun coming in through the window). :D

So, I think that is all i will "write!" For now. . . : ) Hope you are well- & you do always have us! We'll never not be there for you. And, that is that~ Peace. b
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#5
No, John! -This is ALL "Great," ~Stuff. . ; ) And I'm laughing at some of the comments you've made, in relation or regards to -- "me!" (Oh, the ego?) : )

No, but seriously, though. . . Most (of many) of the people on here - cannot understand me (or my writing, 'style,' if you'd like to be so kind, or generous to call or consider it such..;)) And a lot of them can only speak one language (fluently), that I am aware of - at least in my Home Country. :^) So, it is DEFINITELY Not you, and another great or interesting / perhaps, "perceptive" or "highly intuitive," point that you make about the way I write - or type. Is that I think, it is, in part just that! (An "attempt," ~to get others to 'hear,' things. . . As I 'say,' them). And Lord knows I can't write well enough to get this point across in any sort of clear, concise or meaningful way! So, much respect (great) to you, my friend! : D

And now, onto more morose matters (I'm joking, of course, or overstating...) ! : )

... No - what you say, or have said & stated there-- in your "explanation," of these exaggerations, is beyond perfect and understandable to me. Where I in fact, to try to express the same thing. Believe me, it would come across as ten times more ambiguous, confusing, and probably just down right frustrating to most...

Now, when you were being 'interrogated,' for lack of a better term, by the "professional services," with which you sought help and in the comfort, or presence (company, therefore) of your parents, or folks. . . Were you at this time a Minor? Or, in other words, under their care - but also, "legally?" (speaking...) Just trying to ascertain if that was anything of an abnormal experience for one under the conditions, or if it was more the fact that you were at that time, in a state of crisis, and therefore maybe just a little more unstable than they'd have cared or preferred to treat you in a more solo & less "hands-on," approach of things?

Also, I understand that your over-all experiences with this line of treatment have been vastly and overwhelmingly in the negative. But what other alternatives have you got? Beyond what you really want, or tend to type (that is to say, "think") about, a lot~ // which is - of course, not what we would want-

For instance, were you living here in the States, there's a chance your Insurance (health) would cover all of your psychological &/or psychiatric services, just depending. Canada, probably even a better chance of that happening. But even here - sometimes you can get partial coverage as well. So that it isn't entirely "out-of-pocket," so to speak. Otherwise, nearly nobody (who doesn't have the cash or funds) would be putting these services to good use, and thus utlizing their talents, to see the fruits of their labor (the doctors & such) . . . from all those years of hard work & training; beyond the rich or what-have-you! : )
As an aside: (another thing about my 'writing,' on here); is that when I go to type a smile, or whatever, it doesn't turn into the emoji-style "colored," (yellow) thing... Until I hit Send, or Post - whatever it is, here! So, you know~.? I know that's no good excuse or reason, as I've been doing this (for) long enough now - or it's been that way on this format of the latest site version, or upgraded edition, for quite some time... but then again, what can I tell you? I'm a "slow-learner," & very 'forgetful!' Meaning, just about each & every time I see it "read back," or once it is 'printed,' / (published) so to speak--& I can then see all those little smiley faces scattered all over (my, I guess~.) 'creation,' I am always equal parts baffled; & amused, sometimes bemused & bewildered, or otherwise just uncommonly annoyed (well, maybe it's not so "un," -common. . . but I was struggling to come up with a good adjective there!) ; ) HA.

I would only offer or share to you that this experience with which you've described in detail of your more harrowing ordeal at the hospital, or clinic - whereever it was... is not likely to be your experience here, or anyplace else like this. . . Unless you were exhibiting more criminal level of insanity, or what have you? Here, they TRY to treat you like a human being. They TRY not to belittle or dehumanize you (the nurses in the ward/ or inpatient units that I have encountered, don't seem to always overly subscribe to this theory). But I have found, in my experience any way, that the further you go "UP!" the food chain, of qualifications - in other words, a psychiatrist is better than a physician (general, or primary care/family/internal medicine); & a psychologist can kind of be a "mixed bag," meaning some incredible. Quite a few, curious to me - as to why they chose the field. . . ? But I am wandering or staying from the original point, I think - ( I don't know, I can't really see or read the screen this time of day with the sun coming in through the window). :D

So, I think that is all i will "write!" For now. . . : ) Hope you are well- & you do always have us! We'll never not be there for you. And, that is that~ Peace. b
Thank you. You are kind.

My experience with professional help was about 2 years ago, when I was at another low point but with a more proper plan of suicide. I listened to the urges of other people talking about suicide online, survivors and family of the fallen, to get professional help, during my searches to understand my conditions. I wasn't forced to be at that clinic, it was a choice to abandon the plan to get help for once.

There are other therapists. There are counseling services via phone, but way more costly for a calm voice. As I mentioned, no crisis hotline, besides that one police office line, but I doubt they want to listen to a suicidal me. I don't even know if ER is available for suicidal people. There is actually a crisis line for children, but they refused to help me. I get it.

What do I do now? Another plan or another disappointment? I don't know.
 

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