The Fortunate Girl

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by tousledbirdmadgirl, Jun 19, 2015.

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  1. tousledbirdmadgirl

    tousledbirdmadgirl New Member

    I have two great jobs that pay me enough to live comfortably on my own, though I currently live with my parents, who have always been supportive and there for me. I have an amazing brother and sister who would do near anything for me. Nephews who are hilarious and more like younger brothers to me than anything. I have a small collection of amazing, dedicated friends that are always there for me.

    I'm a lucky girl. I haven't had any trauma in my life. No bad breakups, no abuse.

    But I've never really known what its like to be happy or even content. As far back as I can remember, I've been a sad, quiet little thing.

    I don't see the point in living. But I'd played the game because it's what you do, right? Eventually things get better... right?

    Except they don't. I don't have any huge goals or dreams that I haven't already realized. I don't want kids. I don't want to get married or even be in a relationship. I don't believe in any god or afterlife. I have nothing to believe in, no faith, no hope for a better future.

    I could keep going on. But I feel like I'm suffocating... like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff with all the things in my life pushing against me and I don't know why I keep trying to stay on that edge. Why keep fighting the inevitable?

    I don't want to keep living. But I will be honest and admit I'm too scared of failure to try taking my life.

    I went on two very expensive trips recently, to an ideal place to end it... but I didn't because I couldn't find a good enough opportunity to act without someone catching me... trying to rescue me. If I could just find the perfect, uninterruptible way, I would be done.

    I was at the airport and called my therapist for an emergency appointment, which is tomorrow (she's coming in on a weekend to see just me, which is... comforting, I think, to know she's willing to do that)... but she hasn't really helped me so far besides suggesting I get on meds. I don't know what I expected when I first started seeing her... but that wasn't really it. That's all fine and dandy, but would drugs really make a shift in the things I do believe? That I'm living just to die anyway? That I'm going to die miserable and alone?

    I have told a friend because I thought it would make me feel a little better... but now I just feel guilty for burdening her with it and there's not much she can do to help since she lives in another country. I did think of packing it up and moving to her... but that still wouldn't change anything and if anything make things worse because I wouldn't have a job or anything.

    I'm feeling a little desperate and I might try again Sunday when I'll be home alone. But I'll probably just wuss out again...

    I don't know what to do anymore. How can I keep living like this?
     
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    There are two things going on here I guess - the first is that depression doesn't care how great your life is. It doesn't care how perfect your situation or whether everything is aligned. Depression is most often biological. It is most often some the brain's receptors reabsorbing serotonin too quickly, not leaving enough to feel anything other than miserable. That is why different anti depressants work for different people; they treat different receptors, and the only way to figure out which receptors are faulty is trial and error. Medication doesn't cause a shift in the things that you believe, but they do make a difference to how you are able to feel.

    The second thing is existential pondering never, ever, ends in anything other than a feeling of pointlessness and fatalism. What is the point in life? Nobody knows. Anyone who thinks about it for more than a passing moment struggles to find a reason to live - everyone is living just to die. Everyone's time here is fleeting and the very vast majority of people don't have a 'purpose' The best advice I can give you is to stop thinking about it - stop indulging the 'what is the point' thoughts and spending time dwelling on them. It is possible to choose to allow or not allow thought processes - you are in control of that.

    If you stop dwelling on trying to find a reason, and you take medications that allow you to feel things apart from miserable - then therapy might be able to help with the rest. if your therapist thinks medications are in order, then take some - and don't give up after the first one or two; as I said, it is trial and error to find one that treats the right receptors. You don't have to keep "living like this" - you can do something to start changing it. I hope you decide to do something good for yourself.

    Take care and stay safe,

    Freya
     
  3. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome to SF. I don't have much to add, but I share the same sentiments as Freya. I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are hurting so much :( Please consider the advice of your therapist and get on some medication.
     
  4. tousledbirdmadgirl

    tousledbirdmadgirl New Member

    Thanks Freya. I think my biggest problem is exactly that I spend too much time in my own head. During the day, I'm kind of okay since I'm working for like, 13 hours and wrapped up in work. Once I get home is when things start getting bad.

    I've got my therapist appointment in a half hour... I'll follow whatever her recs are...

    I'm just in such an apathetic place in my life right now that I doubt it will help. :/
     
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