The Future

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Scum, Apr 16, 2007.

  1. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Sorry for posting here again, I am just aware that I post so much negative stuff and feel so awful that I want to try and highlight and remember the good when it is there. I would have posted on the rant I made this morning, but my thread was stolen and hijacked :dry:

    Today I sent off for an application form for a course I have had my eye on for a while.

    This might sound like nothing, but for someone who never really leaves the house, invisions dying soon, has little hope, etc, it is a HUGE thing.

    To be honest, when I first found the course it was a step on the way to achieving the career I want. Now it's a way to occupy me before I die, but I feel like I have achieved something positive today, but doing something productive and proactive.

    My mind has been sat going stale for a good long time now and it's about time I did something to wake it up.
    And who knows, the other positive side is that I won't feel the need to sit all day and harass you people here on SF.
     
  2. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    Of course it's a big thing :hug: I really hope it goes well for you hunny!

    You don't harass us, so you can stop that line of thought right now :tongue:
     
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thanks. :)
     
  4. really glad you applied :)
     
  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thanks.

    * * * * * * * * * *

    FUCK OFF YOU LITTLE FUCKING SHIT

    YOU DO MY HEAD IN

    YOU MAKE ME WANT TO CRY

    YOU MAKE ME WANT TO CUT

    I WAS TRYING TO BE NICE AND DOING A NICE THING

    FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE

    I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU YOU FUCKING TWAT

    I CANT EXPRESS MY ANGER, SO I WILL SIT HERE AND PRETEND IM NOT FUCKING ANGRY, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? WHEN I DO KILL MYSELF I WILL BE USING THIS ANGER AND THEN YOU CNA BE BLOODY THANKFUL THAT I HAVE GONE FROM YUOR FUCKING LIVES.

    I KNOW I TARNISH THE WORLD. I KNOW YOU ALL FUCKING HATE ME. DONT WORRY. SOON IT WILL BE OVER YOU FUCKING TOSSER.

    So much for being my brother that I thought loved me. Bet you wish I had died when I was little so that you wouldn't know me.

    Fuck you!
     
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Built up.

    Pent up.

    I think I'm on the verge of losing it totally, like last summer. That's scary. I wasn't much better than last summer anyway, but hospital has changed me. I feel so different since freaking out in hospital, I'm all pent up, I'm losing my mind, making mistakes, forgetting things, losing time.

    I'm breaking apart with no safety net.

    But it's ok, this is normal and healthy.

    I'm scared and lost :cry:
     
  7. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Morning. Morning time. Morning.

    Another day and night gone.

    Another day more pent up, not releasing.

    Another day closer.

    Another day.

    Just another day.
     
  9. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Will today be the day?

    I hope not, it's grandad's birthday.

    I don't want to do it on his birthday, but I can't stop the images.

    Images everywhere.

    Convincing me, reminding me, what I should do.

    But not today, please not today. Don't dissociate today. Hold on at least until tomorrow. Please.
     
  10. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Do you enjoy harassing people?

    Do you enjoy distressing already distressed people?

    If the answer is yes, then you are doing a BRILLIANT job, you can feel REALLY proud of yourself.

    If you had read the things I have written about chat, then maybe you might know why I do what I do in chat.

    Want to know? Well, this is what I posted on another thread.

    If that sounds like attention seeking to you, then make whatever decision you want to about it.

    I am fed up of it all. Fed up of that 'type' of person. You're doing my head in. There are very few people I would choose to talk to in PM, and right now, it's the people that actually want to have a conversation with me, not want me as a sounding board, or someone to rant to or anything. I'm not strong enough.

    Right now I am not strong enough to be a sounding board, be battered by those things.

    I can reply on the forum because it's my choice, I can take as long as I want, I can come back to it later, give as much or as little as I want. I am in control.

    But I'm not in control.

    ARGH, I'm losing the fucking plot. But no, I just sit here, play the dutiful doormat.
     
  11. you are not a doormat, ignore the idiot who is harassing people . fight the images today, i no you can do this. ill send you a :hug: on the off chance it'll make a difference. be strong hun.
     
  12. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    thanks.

    chat just seems a battle for me at the moment, yet it holds a positive appeal too, in that I can pretend I'm not alone. I know that sounds sad.

    But thansk honey. Hope you and your buns are ok
     
  13. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I tried.

    I tried to be 'normal' and sit in the main chat room, I really fucking tried.

    But i couldn't handle it, people talking to me, people seeing me, all that.

    I panicked and had to leave.

    I don't want attention for it. I swear to God it wasn't attention. I don't want attention. If I did I would not be sitting in a room by myself panicking at the occasional PM, or occasional contact with anyone.

    I SWEAR it's not for attention.

    I'm really really sorry.

    Please please just know I'm not the person you think.

    I'm so sorry for everything.
     
  14. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    I wish you'd take your own advice hunny...

    And in case you're wondering, I've found that great people don't always give great advice, but great advice comes from great people :hug:
     
  15. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    :( :hug: