the future

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by varek, Jul 29, 2010.

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  1. varek

    varek Well-Known Member

    To be honest, right now the future scares the hell out of me. I think maybe it always has. Is that normal? Do people usually look forward to what's up ahead?

    My prospects are looking pretty bleak at the moment. I'm a student, twenty years old, and I've just 'finished' my second year of university studying computer science. I say 'finished' because I actually failed two modules (both the final exams and coursework) and I have to retake all of it if I want to go on to my third year - three pieces of coursework and two exams - in about 33 days. I really have a lot of work to do if I want to be able to get a passing grade and go onto my final year of study.

    The problem is, I can't seem to make myself do anything. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. Pretty much all I do is play video games and I don't even enjoy that anymore, all I'm doing is passing time until I don't know what. I drink a lot in the evenings because it makes the time pass quicker.

    My parents tell me that I need to study and work hard so that I can get qualifications and get a job but I don't want qualifications or a job right now. I don't know what I want. I think I'm so afraid of failure that I don't even want to try..

    I'm really lonely, and I'm really scared too. The future is coming at me like a steam train and I either need to get on board or get out of the fucking way, but I don't know which. I don't know who to talk to, I've never been close enough to my family to open up to them and I don't really have any friends. I don't even know what I'd say to them anyway.

    I spent about half an hour writing this out. I'm crying right now and I feel sick. Honestly, maybe I'm hoping somebody here will take the time to read this any offer me some advice but I'm not really holding out. Everyone has problems.

    SF, it's 9:51 in the morning on the 29th of July 2010, thirty-three days until Judgement Day. What's wrong with me?
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I think the future scares many people to be honest. When you worry about the future though, you miss your present. You can't control the future, you can only have an impact on your present. However, with you worrying about the future and failing, you may become your own self fulfilling prophecy- especially if you don't do your uni work and such like.

    In my sig there is a link about Mindfulness and that might really help. Mindfulness is basicaly focusing only on the present, and can be a very useful tool to help ease some of the anxiety you feel.

    What scares you about failing? If you don't try then you will definitely refail your uni units. If you try though, there is every possibility you may pass.

    Have you told anyone around you how bad you feel?
  3. varek

    varek Well-Known Member

    I had this plan last night. Like all great ideas it came after a few glasses of red wine.

    I'd pack my bags with everything I could carry - clothes and my laptop - and get on a train to the city (I rent a flat there so I have a place to live while I'm at university).

    When I get there, I'd go to the doctor as soon as I can and tell them what I told you and hope they can do two things for me; firstly I hope they can diagnose me with something (depression or whatever) so that I can tell my university and maybe they will go easy on me with the deadlines, secondly maybe they can prescribe me something to help me focus or be less fucking sad. If they could do both things then my problems would be solved. At least for a while.

    But then I woke up the next morning with a clear head, and found two things stopping me leaving:
    Firstly, I have a laptop and a computer. The laptop is small and slow, the computer is big and fast. Doing all the work I need to do on my laptop will be hard, and given how difficult it is to get motivated to work on projects with my computer, I think I need all the help I can get. I can't take the damn thing with me on the train because it's too big.
    Secondly, I'm scared of change. I'm scared I'll get there and it'll be empty and I'm scared I'll get there and my flat mates will be there and I'll have to hang out and make conversation and tell them what a great summer I've been having and why I'm back so soon. I don't know which frightens me more. I don't talk to my parents much - I don't leave my room much - but between them and the dogs that's the only contact I have with living things.

    My parents won't help me me move my stuff back to the city because I think they don't want me to leave. They don't know about the exams and coursework I have to retake - I haven't told them because I know they'll just be angry and I want that. I haven't told them that I'm sad and lonely because, well, they can't help me anyway and they'll probably just worry. So they think I'm lazy and I don't know what.

    Maybe I should just talk to them but I'm having enough trouble writing this damn thread. I don't even nearly have the emotional stability to talk face to face with actual people about my problems. I could write them a letter but they'd think I'm weird, because fuck it that is pretty weird. Now I'm getting sad because I can't open up to people.

    SF, it's 10:34 in the morning on the 29th of July 2010, still thirty-three days until Judgement Day, and I'm pathetic.
  4. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't be surprised if I'm in a similar situation to you in a few years time. That's if I actually have the 'courage' to go to uni. Something tells me I won't make it, or I just won't do it :dunno:.

    I know what it's like to find it hard to open up to people. That's even if it happens at all. I've NEVER done it in real life, and even if I did I'd probly start randomly crying. In a way I'm too scared to let people know about my problems because there's always the possibility that it could go bad. And if it happened to go bad during my current state of mind, let's just say I probly wouldn't "stick around".

    Going to a doctor sounds good. I wouldn't know what leniency(bad spelling) the guys at the Uni would be able to give you but they might be able to do something if you are struggling with depression etc.
  5. varek

    varek Well-Known Member

    I will look that up, thanks for the link.

    I'm scared because my fucking father has drilled into me that I need a good degree and a good job or you are nothing, despite him getting fired from his last job 5 years ago and having found no real work since. I'm scared because when I was young, nothing I ever did was good enough for my parents. I'd come home with 60% or something in a piece of work and they'd say "That's good but couldn't you do better?" and maybe they were right, maybe I could have done better if I'd 'applied myself' but I never could.

    Like I said I can't really talk to anyone, I'm not close to my parents and I don't really have anyone else. Even if I did I don't think I could do it anyway :(
  6. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    May I suggest a crisis line? It might sound lamd or something but it is tempting to call one :tongue:. I've never done it myself, but I can't imagine the feeling that someone on the other end of the phone actually knows what I'm going through.

    Just a random thought but could they trace your address if you rang them? I wouldn't be too surprised if they did it every now and then...
  7. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I can really relate to this.

    I think what its important to remember is that parents are not always right and do get it wrong. They also make mistakes.

    What your dad said was wrong and inaccurate. Plenty of people are successful in their lives and take completely different paths from that. It also depends on what you view 'success' as.

    The fact you were not good enough for them is no reflection of you, its a reflection on them and its actually their lose because they missed all the good things you did. Possibly though they may not be good at communication and were proud of you, just didn't know how to show that.

    Have you ever talked to them about this?
  8. varek

    varek Well-Known Member

    If you can find something to study you're really interested in I'd recommend it. You might meet some decent people while you're there too, I guess I've met a couple. It can be kinda hard if you're pretty introverted like I am but if you work at it it can really pay off.

    I know what you mean though, I can't ever have a serious discussion with someone without crying or at least being on the verge of tears, I don't quite know what the fuck is wrong with me :(
    How could they tell me anything though? They don't know anything about me.. But now you've said it I am kinda curious as to what they'll say. I doubt I could hold myself together on the phone though. I don't think they can trace your address without like a warrant or something.
    Like I said I really don't feel like I can talk to them about this, even thinking about it is kinda sad.
  9. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Maybe you should try the 12 step community. You can meet new people and get help and help others. It has helped me. Im praying for you and hope you do too. You seem like a good person to me and we need all those we can get . PLEASE stay here with us and we will help and offer hope!!!!

    Write me,

  10. varek

    varek Well-Known Member

    Hey Marty, nice to meet you.

    What is the 12 step community?
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