The greatest trick...

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by nikkirae, Jun 29, 2008.

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  1. nikkirae

    nikkirae New Member

    "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing you that you never existed." I know this is not the original quote but this is what I heard in my dream the other night. I used to suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts alot. I have been known to race down a back road praying for the "strenght" to turn the wheel to the right. I have stared at a full bottle of pills for hours sobbing so hard on the inside that I didn't make an outward sound. That was several years ago. Things are different now. Now, I don't think of killing myself, what would be the point? There is nothing to end.

    I don't have a life anymore. I have smothered all feeling out. I am no longer searching for that meaning in life that will make me want to live. I no longer feel like I will die if I don't find my purpose. I am going through life without pain for whenever I catch a glimpse of it I shut off all emotion. I don’t cry anymore… I don’t laugh anymore. I just exist, or do I?

    The girl I was is gone, or was she even real? The tormented soul I was who had such a vision for life, was she a figment of my imagination? The words she would speak, so eloquently describing her anguish, why did she do it? How could a passion for life lead to such a desire for death? That’s the way I see it now that the passion is gone. That girl was so in love with life and so afraid life did not love her back. Now I know life does not love me back. I am afraid the devil has won…
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I sense from your post that deep inside of you, you want to release that warm, kinder side of you but can't and won't cuz of life and your experiences.

    Just know that the devil hasn't won.
  3. Clockwork Reality

    Clockwork Reality Well-Known Member

    Well, look on the bright side, and I'm paraphrasing a wonderful episode of South Park on this one:

    if you feel so bad now, then you must have known what something wonderful felt like. And that's a feeling that can be reclaimed if you seek it out. It may be hard but it's doable. Don't give up hope--there's still a broad future.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi nickirae,
    Welcome to the forum! you came to the right placeto get advice and support. It sounds like you are in a pickle. You obviously have people who love you, is it possible to lean on them? You need to be able to talk your problems thru.
    I always recommend therapy because they can teach you how to get by with different skills. Keep on posting your thoughts, so we know how to talk to you about what is happening with you. Stay Safe and Stay Strong...:chopper:...
  5. nikkirae

    nikkirae New Member

    Thank you all for the welcome and advice. I was doing so well for several years. When I turned 24, I read the book "More Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beatty. That book changed my life. I had been holding so much pain close to my heart. I had a litany of all the hardships I had had in my life. It was a checklist that I could use as a crutch to justify to myself why I was so miserable. Of course those around me never knew the pain I was in except for the few people I would share my list with. I don't think anyone ever knew how deep the pit of darkness went. You know that feeling when you just scream inside and it feels as if every fiber of your being is going to explode? I tried meds, they made it worse. Went into the hospital and just when I saw a peep of light, they put me out, my insurance ran out. Tried the outpatient thing, again, not long enough to help. Tried the therapist thing, wasn't enough. Oh, and my favorite therapy -- Acid. Found wonderful insights into the world and life while surrounded and not caring about anything in the world or life. That's when I found the book. I read it through in two days and then read it again. I stopped repeating my litany and realized that if I did not like my life, I could change it. I am never stuck without options. The past is the past with lessons learned but life doesn't just stop, we must keep evolving. Well, all this helped me through 7 years. I feel it all unraveling now. I am not necessarily reverting back but I am lost. I know that I can change my life but for the past few years I have been making decisions that make leaving much harder, placing roots where i am that are not so easily dug up. I guess part of me would like to transplant myself to a place with better soil and more sunlight but what about the environment around me that has come to depend on my presence. I keep thinking I must just spread my roots out to get to that precious resevoir of water deep beneath the surface but I keep running into rocks and I wonder if I am strong enough to break through. I don't know which way is up anymore and I don't have anyone to help me figure it out. My friends all live hours away and I am too late realizing that my husband is not enough support. We have been together 5 years, married 2 months. I am going through so much at the moment and I know that it is okay to be sad, to cry but that is part of the problem, I am beginning to be numb, the tears won't come. Nothing in my life is making me smile and I can't release the pain. I have read so much self-help, majored in psychology and sociology, posted on forums, and read great advice. All the things I would tell a friend in the same situation keep ringing in my head but my heart won't listen. I am lonely... I am lost... and I don't know how to overcome it.
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Nickiirae,
    Does your husband know how you feel? Is he very supportive? With everything you have been thru you should know that communication is important. Do you have a close girlfriend you can lean on?
    We can offer you an ear and support, advice, caring what happens to you. But you will still need some kind of support there to help you cope with things. Can you find a different therapist? It took me a couple of tries before I found Gina. She doesn't pull any punches. She will speak her mind and if you don't like it there's the door and don't let it hit you in the butt.
    She gets frustrated with me because she has given me plenty of coping skills and I always forget them. It is not from being lazy. I just can't retain things in my head my thoughts get all jumbled up. You really need someone, what about your parents or a sibling? Think it over.. I wish you well. keep posting so we know what is happening with you!!!:chopper:!!!
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