The Gym

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by neverdie, Feb 16, 2008.

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  1. neverdie

    neverdie Guest

    This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
    workout routine.

    Dear Diary,

    For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
    personal training at the local health club for me.

    Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
    cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
    give it a try.

    I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
    Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
    model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

    My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
    encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


    Started my day at 6:00 A.M. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
    worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
    She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
    dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
    machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
    aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
    Belinda was encouraging as I did my setups, although my gut was already
    aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be
    a FANTASTIC week-!!


    I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

    Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then
    she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
    made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worth while. I
    feel GREAT-!!
    It's a whole new life for me.


    The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter
    and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
    I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long a I
    didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking

    Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
    members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
    she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
    when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the
    Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete
    by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
    She said some other shit too.


    Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
    cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
    I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my

    Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran
    and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me . Then, as
    punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

    FRIDAY :

    I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other
    human being in the history of the world.
    Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of
    my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

    Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
    you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or
    anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I
    landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

    Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir


    Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
    wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
    smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
    use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather

    SUNDAY :
    I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
    thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
    daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a
    root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over,
    he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

    Last edited: Feb 16, 2008
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Just read this a few weeks ago somewhere else. I can so relate to the toothbrush part lol.
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I know that Belinda and yeah WHAT A BITCH!! :dry::tongue::laugh:
  4. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni


    :laugh: Terry
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