The Hell I'm living (Triggering)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Songstress, Oct 27, 2012.

  1. Songstress

    Songstress Well-Known Member

    So people who have seen threads of mine before may have notice I'm taking care of my elderly grandmother. It was meant to be a one month stay. Well, that was back on August 2nd and I'm still here. My grandfather would very much love it if I stayed here permanently because I don't talk back (often), do what I'm told and I do more than I'm told to do. I sound like such a wonderful little worker bee.
    The problem is I'm 24 and I want to have a life of my own. I have suffered from depression for a very long time for someone my age, and yet "peer groups" I've been to before have told me I'm not really old enough to know what shitty is. Well, screw them, I do. I have been bullied all my life. I have been ignored, I have been teased, I have be pushed around, have had things thrown at me just for walking home, had people vandalize my personal property, and when I was 12 even had a kid put a TV cord around my neck and shout "I killed It" in front of a classroom of my peers. The best moments in my life I was living away from my family and the world I grew up in. I was my own person and no one fucking looked even once at my past. When no one else looks at my past I don't have to either.
    But right now I'm stuck in the middle of the woods with an elderly woman who comes close to falling way too many times and an elderly man who likes having me around because I'm good at cooking, cleaning, helping him with technology when he doesn't understand it, and staying quiet. Hell I don't even ask him to buy things for just me if I can help it. I have given up all personal life just for this.
    My grandmother sees that I'm not having the easiest time of this though. She doesn't quite know the extent because if she knew just how bad I get sometimes it would break her heart. And honestly the cancer is causing her enough pain that she doesn't need to deal with all of mine. But no one else seems to get that I just want to live my own life. Sure, I'm going to be living with my parents when I get out of here, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to go straight from here to trying to find a job so I can move out on my own again. But it kind of hurts that this was supposed to be a month, two at the most, and I'm not going to be getting home until Thanksgiving right now.

    And the funny thing of all of this is that I'm not suicidal anymore, I just want to live on my own terms and not have people tell me to see if from other people's perspective. You know what, when I'm not pissed and ranting I'm actually a very empathetic person so screw all the people who try to tell me to see if from my grandparent's perspective. I do all the time, that doesn't stop me from being human and wanting people to empathize with me instead of seeing my story and immediately empathizing with my grandparents.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Is there a way to get respite services to allow you some freedom when caring for her, so that you can have both your own time, and care for your grandmother? Seems in these situations placing limits is very difficult...also are there other family members who need to step up to provide support as well?
  3. Songstress

    Songstress Well-Known Member

    My grandparents don't seem to trust any home care services. And no one else in the family has offered to come up and help. Right now she's trying to do physical therapy to see if that can help her get strong enough that she doesn't constantly need someone with her, but it almost seems like the therapy is making her weaker, because she's gotten closer to falling since it's started than she had before. I don't know if it's just that her legs are that much worse now or if it's the therapy itself.