the Hope of life is lighten by Death

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by acecoffee, Sep 3, 2010.

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  1. acecoffee

    acecoffee Active Member

    everything start falling last june when i was 17 , i was depressed but held hope it will get better soon , it wasnt hopeless . however , after a few month ,and no matter how hard i try , nothing seems to help , any tiny little thing can start it off , from anything like broken promise to even not being able to have a burger can set it off , i spend my whole summer hoilday in tears and insmonnia . and slowly i know it is hopeless .

    when return back to college , after spoken to a teacher after a few suicide attampt ,i was urgently admitted into adolesent pyscho ward , and hope was given through new surrounding , encouragment and the introduction of anti-depressent , i spend 2 week in there ,following all the rule and instruction , while then i was send on leave for the first time my mum visit 2 week ,she told me how selfish i was being and i will be punish for all this happening ,i was in tears and started to be unstable for the first time in the hospital , and wasnt allow to be discharge

    in christmas eve ,i had a visit from my nurse after another suicide attampt and was told to return to hospital immediately , we have family gathering , and after lunch every single person take in turn to tell me how selfish i was .i was once again getting depressed , i was send back into the ward and my situation got worse ,my discharge was again , got delay . but time had taken it places and i was getting better , slowly . just as i was about to be discharge , i was rape by one of my friend , and i grow incrediably unstable and my discharge was delay . as i had been staying in the hospital for an aweful long time , i know every single little trick to scam through the nurse , managing to sneak stuff in , get into lock room , break stuff , everything anyone could imagine of and not imagine of . and anything related to the topic will set me off .

    evauntually , i have to be discharge due to the long stay in the hospital ,when i m slightly more stable , i was transfar into the local health team ,and within a week i had o.d again , while seeing my mums tears , i suddenly decide to move forward , knowing the only way out is to defeat it , i start to recover and get better , even though wasnt able to concentrate , i enter into the maths As exam after going to 4 revision class lesson ,

    as once again , i feel better , and everything start to do great , i managed to get a job , even was reward in the local team for the biggest improvement , then the news of my friends death crush me into the old path , i was back on S.H , and suicide attampt had been made .after many sucide attampt had been failed and end up with negative affect , i know by then suicide plan need to be made ,

    a while later , i spend my time busy with coursework , CV , hoilday . but every single night i will be struggle to understand why m i alive .
    everything also seems to be going great , my exam result come out unexpected and shcok everyone , i was 4 mark off a B , even havnt attend to any proper lesson , i was allow to do A2 math and college had accept me , and will be doing 3 As and an a2 next year , i also have arrange with the local library and my artwork will be display from nov-dec , and enter into IHIQS , the world second largest high iq society . having my art exhibition .

    but i had secertly plan my sucidie ,the one that had been plan nicely , with plot , i had written all the note , plan my funreal , had do research on the area that will be less lately to be found ,arrange stuff for my family , everything had been fully plan . i m ready to take on , got the sedative that will be need by that time , and majority of the thing ready . i know exactly what to answer to my pyschartist when they ask ,i know how to be normal and act normal so they dont suspecious ,and somehow , i m finding it ironly that when in crisis , the only way to calm myself is to tell myself everything will end soon , the hope of life has been lighten by the Death .

    please dont tell me anything like dont give up ,or give life another chance. i had thought everything through. and i know some of you here will understand me , please pray for me for everything to success cause god never listen to me .

    not trying to encourage anyone , but who can tell me whats the point of life ? and to live on ?????
  2. Decode

    Decode Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum, you sound like you have been though a lot. I can't really tell you whats the point of life as i'm struggling myself but i hope you find what you are looking for. This can be a good place for support. :smile:
  3. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Sorry for all the pain and suffering you've been through. Maybe we will get into specifics later on about what events led up to being admitted to the hospital. Not important right at this moment however.

    I have my own feelings about the point of life which can get complicated but I heard someone I respect in the entertainment industry put it kind of simply.

    The point of life may be as simple as having as good a time as possible in the short time we have, while also doing something that you enjoy (as a hobby or career) and trying to help others at the same time. This would fulfill several needs and also help others, with or without having a family, which I do not! So this also leaves out the perpetuation of the species angle as a point of life, with which I obviously do not agree.

    For me this is good adivce because while I try and get into some of the philisophical issues about the meaning of life, etc, I tend to get bogged down and end up with more questions than answers.

    But, you are so young, why not give it some time before you give up completely? I mean, without being morbid, you do have plenty of time later on if you still wish to end it, though I would hope you do not.

    I noticed your comment about your artwork being displayed at a high IQ society. Is this because you have a high IQ? I only ask because high IQ's ae often associated with psychological issues which could be the source of your problem.

    So, would like to know what kind of artwork you are into and

    I also noticed one of your statements, something about "anything related to the topic will set you off". Can you discuss what that topic is?

    Anyway I have several family members with high IQ's who are non-functioning adults because they refuse to take their meds. Also, my best friend, who committed suicide last year on August 9th had one of the highest IQ's of any friend I've ever had. So, just curious if you also have one!

    Please pm me if you wish to discuss any of this further or if you want to answer any of my questions. And then maybe we could talk about what let up to your hospitalization.

    What I can also tell you is that there are some great people here for you to become friends with and I hope you'll give this forum a chance!

    Take care...wish you the best!

  4. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    Not me im afraid, still trying to find the point of life myself even though i am feeling a bit better. I do hope you hang around, talk to some people. It certainly made me feel better.
  5. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    To give a little detail on one of my points above:

    Maybe life should be as least partly about trying to make life better for those less fortunate than ones-self. Some of the most satisfying points in my life were working at a home for the mentally handicapped, or to be politically correct, the "differently challenged" as they say. And also trying to help out here in any way I can.

    Hope you'll continue to talk to us here by posting more or by private message to me or others who will respond.
  6. acecoffee

    acecoffee Active Member

    my art work is displying in the local library , my artwork is mostly arcylic , but now currently trying out on sclupture , a book verson of teddy bear .as book sculpture had never been attampt before .
    i do have above average Iq , most iq result come back as 124-139 top .
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