everything start falling last june when i was 17 , i was depressed but held hope it will get better soon , it wasnt hopeless . however , after a few month ,and no matter how hard i try , nothing seems to help , any tiny little thing can start it off , from anything like broken promise to even not being able to have a burger can set it off , i spend my whole summer hoilday in tears and insmonnia . and slowly i know it is hopeless . when return back to college , after spoken to a teacher after a few suicide attampt ,i was urgently admitted into adolesent pyscho ward , and hope was given through new surrounding , encouragment and the introduction of anti-depressent , i spend 2 week in there ,following all the rule and instruction , while then i was send on leave for the first time my mum visit 2 week ,she told me how selfish i was being and i will be punish for all this happening ,i was in tears and started to be unstable for the first time in the hospital , and wasnt allow to be discharge in christmas eve ,i had a visit from my nurse after another suicide attampt and was told to return to hospital immediately , we have family gathering , and after lunch every single person take in turn to tell me how selfish i was .i was once again getting depressed , i was send back into the ward and my situation got worse ,my discharge was again , got delay . but time had taken it places and i was getting better , slowly . just as i was about to be discharge , i was rape by one of my friend , and i grow incrediably unstable and my discharge was delay . as i had been staying in the hospital for an aweful long time , i know every single little trick to scam through the nurse , managing to sneak stuff in , get into lock room , break stuff , everything anyone could imagine of and not imagine of . and anything related to the topic will set me off . evauntually , i have to be discharge due to the long stay in the hospital ,when i m slightly more stable , i was transfar into the local health team ,and within a week i had o.d again , while seeing my mums tears , i suddenly decide to move forward , knowing the only way out is to defeat it , i start to recover and get better , even though wasnt able to concentrate , i enter into the maths As exam after going to 4 revision class lesson , as once again , i feel better , and everything start to do great , i managed to get a job , even was reward in the local team for the biggest improvement , then the news of my friends death crush me into the old path , i was back on S.H , and suicide attampt had been made .after many sucide attampt had been failed and end up with negative affect , i know by then suicide plan need to be made , a while later , i spend my time busy with coursework , CV , hoilday . but every single night i will be struggle to understand why m i alive . everything also seems to be going great , my exam result come out unexpected and shcok everyone , i was 4 mark off a B , even havnt attend to any proper lesson , i was allow to do A2 math and college had accept me , and will be doing 3 As and an a2 next year , i also have arrange with the local library and my artwork will be display from nov-dec , and enter into IHIQS , the world second largest high iq society . having my art exhibition . but i had secertly plan my sucidie ,the one that had been plan nicely , with plot , i had written all the note , plan my funreal , had do research on the area that will be less lately to be found ,arrange stuff for my family , everything had been fully plan . i m ready to take on , got the sedative that will be need by that time , and majority of the thing ready . i know exactly what to answer to my pyschartist when they ask ,i know how to be normal and act normal so they dont suspecious ,and somehow , i m finding it ironly that when in crisis , the only way to calm myself is to tell myself everything will end soon , the hope of life has been lighten by the Death . please dont tell me anything like dont give up ,or give life another chance. i had thought everything through. and i know some of you here will understand me , please pray for me for everything to success cause god never listen to me . not trying to encourage anyone , but who can tell me whats the point of life ? and to live on ?????