I sit here now in front of my computer, wondering what i am doing. Why did i sign up for such a site, and what is it that i want to communicate? Let start with status quo and go from there. Today has been as any other day, meaningless. I wake up in the morning, then i sit in front of the screen. Either the computer watching a serie of film, or playing a game on the xbox. Eat a frozen pizza during the day before i go to bed, rinse and repeat. Sometimes my sleep is only a couple of hours, so i will sleep a couple more during the day. Night and day kind of melts into eachother in a big black meaningless hole. My thoughts are dark and mean towards myself, especially about my impact on the world. I have been dealing with depressions and suicidal thoughts for over 20 years now, and i dont see an end to it. I have a 13 year old daughter i haven`t seen in 2 years, (been turbulent ever since i got commited the first time) and a 4 year old son with another woman who left me a year ago. I love them both so much, but i can`t keep on like this. I can litterally feel the void inside me grow bigger each day, and the light inside grows dimmer by the hour. My thoughts are very confusing, and i aren`t able to turn them around. They have even in my days of apparant happiness been glaced with a dim darkness. Almost like every thought and feeling is dipped in some sort of vinegar glacing. This started in my early childhood years, and now i am in my early 30s, and i am so tired of being an outcast. Early on i of course as so many other boys with mental issues reacted with alot of anger, and this in turn made me all but popular. Turning me in to someone nobody wanted to play with, which again just empowered my feeling as an outsider. I did want to make friends, i just didn`t fully understand all the social codes and ques. I have had my share of girlfriends though, but they usually turn sour sooner or later. Not because it was something wrong with them, but rather that i have a huge problem of letting people in. Trust issues is enormous with me. I am not the jeaolous type or anything, it`s more that i fear what they would think if they would really get to know me. The dark core that is my soul. I am uneducated and on disabillity due to my long term mental illness. The proper diagnose set is PTSD (due to my rather violent father and alcoholic mother), combined with various personality disorders. Tried most medication there is (at one point i took 19 pills every day), but none that has worked. 32 psyciatrists in over 20 years, and none has offered any viable solution. This is my past, and so is my future. I have given up, i don`t want this anymore. Feels like i have been fighting all my life to be accepted somehow, and to feel some pure unsullied hapiness. My daughter has this amazing stepfather who is there for her, and has been since she was 4 years old. My son does not yet, but i hope i will get one. Cause i will never by the looks of it become any better, most likely i will deteriorate. Until i am nothing but a lonly shadow of myself, whom will only produce guilty conscience at hollidays. You know the relative you know you should visit, but you just can`t stand being there. I really don`t want to become that person, so i have decided. This will be my last year, and 2016 will start without me. I will travel to procure two bottles of Pisabental (spam) which i will ingest when i have settled all my affairs. This will secure me a peaceful and certain death. But i am struggling with a goodbye note. Should i even write one, and what should i write. I am not the greatest writer out there, and always thought that your last thoughts on paper like that should be a little poetic. Not something like, "yo dude, i am dead, goodbye." To be honest i am not sure why i am writing here, but it does feel good to put it out there. Talk to someone about what is going on, cause this lonely emptiness is all consuming. Anyways, thank you for reading and please excuse my english being bad. It is not my first language.