The hopelesness of it all

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by R4Z3R, Dec 6, 2015.

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  1. R4Z3R

    R4Z3R New Member

    I sit here now in front of my computer, wondering what i am doing.
    Why did i sign up for such a site, and what is it that i want to communicate?
    Let start with status quo and go from there.

    Today has been as any other day, meaningless.
    I wake up in the morning, then i sit in front of the screen.
    Either the computer watching a serie of film, or playing a game on the xbox.
    Eat a frozen pizza during the day before i go to bed, rinse and repeat.
    Sometimes my sleep is only a couple of hours, so i will sleep a couple more during the day.
    Night and day kind of melts into eachother in a big black meaningless hole.

    My thoughts are dark and mean towards myself, especially about my impact on the world.
    I have been dealing with depressions and suicidal thoughts for over 20 years now, and i dont see an end to it.
    I have a 13 year old daughter i haven`t seen in 2 years, (been turbulent ever since i got commited the first time) and a 4 year old son with another woman who left me a year ago. I love them both so much, but i can`t keep on like this. I can litterally feel the void inside me grow bigger each day, and the light inside grows dimmer by the hour.

    My thoughts are very confusing, and i aren`t able to turn them around.
    They have even in my days of apparant happiness been glaced with a dim darkness.
    Almost like every thought and feeling is dipped in some sort of vinegar glacing.
    This started in my early childhood years, and now i am in my early 30s, and i am so tired of being an outcast.
    Early on i of course as so many other boys with mental issues reacted with alot of anger, and this in turn made me all but popular. Turning me in to someone nobody wanted to play with, which again just empowered my feeling as an outsider. I did want to make friends, i just didn`t fully understand all the social codes and ques.

    I have had my share of girlfriends though, but they usually turn sour sooner or later. Not because it was something wrong with them, but rather that i have a huge problem of letting people in. Trust issues is enormous with me. I am not the jeaolous type or anything, it`s more that i fear what they would think if they would really get to know me. The dark core that is my soul. I am uneducated and on disabillity due to my long term mental illness. The proper diagnose set is PTSD (due to my rather violent father and alcoholic mother), combined with various personality disorders. Tried most medication there is (at one point i took 19 pills every day), but none that has worked. 32 psyciatrists in over 20 years, and none has offered any viable solution. This is my past, and so is my future.

    I have given up, i don`t want this anymore.
    Feels like i have been fighting all my life to be accepted somehow, and to feel some pure unsullied hapiness.
    My daughter has this amazing stepfather who is there for her, and has been since she was 4 years old.
    My son does not yet, but i hope i will get one. Cause i will never by the looks of it become any better, most likely i will deteriorate. Until i am nothing but a lonly shadow of myself, whom will only produce guilty conscience at hollidays. You know the relative you know you should visit, but you just can`t stand being there. I really don`t want to become that person, so i have decided. This will be my last year, and 2016 will start without me. I will travel to procure two bottles of Pisabental (pentobarbital) which i will ingest when i have settled all my affairs. This will secure me a peaceful and certain death.

    But i am struggling with a goodbye note. Should i even write one, and what should i write.
    I am not the greatest writer out there, and always thought that your last thoughts on paper like that should be a little poetic. Not something like, "yo dude, i am dead, goodbye."

    To be honest i am not sure why i am writing here, but it does feel good to put it out there.
    Talk to someone about what is going on, cause this lonely emptiness is all consuming.
    Anyways, thank you for reading and please excuse my english being bad. It is not my first language.
     
  2. badperson123

    badperson123 Member

    Hello, R4Z3R, I signed up for this site for the same reason you probably did, because, in your own words: "If feels good to put it out there." Similarly to yours, my life is one that is marred with grief, but I have been helped so much by the people out here who seem to really care and I hope you'll consider sticking around and talking, because now I CARE about how you are and others who read this post will likely be too.
    Your english is absolutely fantastic and I'd like to ask, are you able to contact your children? Can you send them letters?
    Please do not hesitate to reach out if you'd like to talk more.
     
  3. R4Z3R

    R4Z3R New Member

    I thought i would stick around here until i am not, i mean what is the point in "putting it all out there" if i am not here to read and respond?
    Thank you for saying that about my english, i try to make it somewhat comprehendible to native english speakers.
    And to answer you question, i can send letters to my daughter and my son, plus i can also visit my son whenever i feel like it.
    Usually i stop by my son a couple of times a week for some playtime and dinner. Make him ready for bed and read his bedtime story.
     
  4. badperson123

    badperson123 Member

    I'm glad you hear that you are still sticking around. I wanted to talk to you about your children, because to me it seems like they are the central focus of your life as I imagine to any father his kids are one of the most important things in life. I think that your children still really appreciate you and by no means do they hate you. The fact that you stop by to read your son and to tuck him in before bed makes me think that you, even though you have difficulties in life, are a great father and as young as your son is, I am certain he loves you.

    People out there care about you and your kids especially, they need you.
    Do you take any medication now? Do you go to work or have any sort of schedule?
    I found that swimming really helped me out when I felt bad and I realized that by letting myself fall into the cycle of sitting at home and doing nothing made me feel worse.
    I look forward to your response :).
     
  5. R4Z3R

    R4Z3R New Member

    I believe you are right in you assumption that my kids do not hate me, rather i concur with your reasoning in them loving me.
    I also know that there are people that love me, but my problem has never been with other people (at least not since i left my parents behind).
    My problem is that i don`t manage to take their love for me to heart. I also do believe that my children will be a bit sadden by the fact that i am dead, but that will pass. My son is so young, that i am still easily replaceable, and my daughter have i not seen or talked with in 2 years, so there has already been a separation there. That combined with her stepfather being there will ensure her future in a sound way. I love my children but i had a grandfather who was just like me (though he endured this life until cancer took him at age 78), and we loved him but visiting him was a serious mood killer. He never talked about bad things or did bad things, but he was just a shadow of a man. He did not live, he just were there. Like he was just occupying space in the world. I am that same person with the same kind of aura about me, and i really don`t want my children to grow up with that feeling around me. I`d rather they remember me as that loving father who just wanted what was best for them, and all the good memories they would have of me.

    No work nor any other things at the moment.
    I find myself not leaving the apartment in two weeks sometimes.
    I had work, but i have so much trouble focusing the last months, so i quit.
    And i find myself without the proper energy to go out anyways, just want to sleep.
    Some friends, but they don`t invite me anymore due to the same fact stated above (not that i blame them).
    But i do feel relieved that the decision to end it all is made, it feels somewhat like the race is close to the finish line.
    Though it is a damn long travel to procure the needed sodium pentobarbital, but it is well worth it according to the peaceful pill handbook.
    And much more reliable then many other methods exept from firearms (which i would not do anyways due to the poor person finding me).
    Even though i own several firearms it is just to messy. That poor soul would have a hard time getting that image out of his or her head, and i just can`t do that to another person.
     
  6. badperson123

    badperson123 Member

    I really do discourage you from committing suicide, solely for the sake of your children, ultimately your mind is your own to make, but I beg you reconsider. The fact that you are aware of your condition means that you are not a shadow of a man, in fact you are incredibly strong for coming this far, especially with having to endure the conditions you described before.
    To me it seems you hold yourself in very low esteem. It sounds a bit like you don't think your life is worth living, or you don't think you're essential to your children. That quite frankly is untrue. You've led an incredibly difficult life, I don't think anyone would deny that fact. If your children love you then they will very much miss you, hell, even I will miss you because I've spoken to you.

    You sound like an incredibly and truly loving father. Even your consideration for a person who would find you is admirable.
    I think maybe you would benefit from giving a go at getting a cat or a dog, or even just driving out somewhere, things like that really help me out because I find a lot of beauty in nature. What do you think of doing something like that?
     
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