I cannot say why i am writing this sometimes it helps othertimes it doesn't. But frankly i know that if i do nothing that the thoughts might become overwhelming. Normally i have a good control on them ive survived 12 years somehow. I would love to be free of this curse but it drains and life from me. I've grown to a point where life is a choir and the only reason im here is to help others not even myself. I can't find any reasons to help myself. But still part of me deep down wants to try and live for myself but the feelings the hopelessness. I cannot look past it it clouds my vision and i hate it. The darkness the hopelessness it destroys me who i am and has been ever since it started. I try to get by i find methods to deal with it to push it from my mind to get away but sometimes regardless what i do i cannot get away with it. Right now im so overwhelmed its hard to function working is becoming such a chore that i don't know how i will be able to do it anymore. School is coming up and im scared that this state of mind will ruin another semester for me. The problem i have is that i do not nor am i sure that the path i am taking is the one that i am meant to take. I truly just want to be happy that is all i want in life but i do not know how to get there i do not know what would help. Right now i just want to get up and leave just leave and try and find some path that i need. god i could just go for some peace...just a little bit of peace something where i wouldn't have to worry or think just nothinngness. I know death is not the answer but it seems like the easiest solution. I know many ways i could try...i resist for my family i do not want to burden them but its hard continuing on so hard...sigh. Hope for bette days is what i look for but peering down the road i see nothing but blackness and wonder whether ir would really be worth continuing on...perhaps i shall decide such fate soon or maybe ill be able to strive on despite the hopelessness of the situation...