I need to express this indigestible train wreck of utter anxiety that has been seeping through every single particle inside me for way, way too long to bear it anymore. Here’s an attempt not to sound contrived, take it how you want to… because I’m going to kick my sanity goodbye if I don’t get it out of my system now. Here’s the rot… When viewing the build up of my issues over the years from another angle, when observing myself from a different set of eyes, I can admittedly say that I am at a high risk of ultimate self-destruction, or something terrible that will lead me to it. (See, I keep avoiding the actual problem. My problem is that I don’t know what my problem is, where’s the root of it, how to excavate and destroy it before it drowns me.) I’m not sure where to start, forgive me for my vagueness and inconsistency. (Who exactly am I asking for forgiveness?) Can’t help being self-critical, bitter, and stubborn…I’m your stereotypical teen, barely scratching the surface of REAL issues. One of the deepest stabs in life I took was - finding the actual evidence of what filthy, self-centered asshole my father really is for betraying my mother (and now I’m forced to carry the guilt and the burden of the knowledge for not confronting my mother about it). Aside from that ugly concoction rotting on my conscience, the only reason I want to live, the only person I can sincerely worship is at even higher state of disturbance than I am at this point. Nothing (not music, not art, not a thing) can hold me in this world, but this person. If he is going down, I’m diving right after him. No replacement, no chance, no doubt about it. NO EXAGGERATION. But this is what I want to avoid, yet I can’t do anything, I’m helplessly, mockingly, fuking hopelessly inadequate because of the geographical distance between us currently. All we want is to be together, we both know that, but if that’s not a reality sometime this year, then we perish. Apparently that’s asking for a lot in this goddamn, systematic-bullshit hellhole of a world where you’re fuking worthless without money. Got to love it, got to lick somebody’s ass for a tiny accumulation of scrapings per day, got to love it. I’m falling behind fast. No self-worth. No one else to talk to. No where to go. And eventually…I will have to pay for my notorious delays, hesitations, guilt-trips, bad-trips, sleeplessness, self-hate, isolation. Wonderful.