The Human Inside Of Me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Spiraling, Apr 13, 2007.

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  1. Spiraling

    Spiraling New Member

    I need to express this indigestible train wreck of utter anxiety that has been seeping through every single particle inside me for way, way too long to bear it anymore. Here’s an attempt not to sound contrived, take it how you want to… because I’m going to kick my sanity goodbye if I don’t get it out of my system now. Here’s the rot…

    When viewing the build up of my issues over the years from another angle, when observing myself from a different set of eyes, I can admittedly say that I am at a high risk of ultimate self-destruction, or something terrible that will lead me to it. (See, I keep avoiding the actual problem. My problem is that I don’t know what my problem is, where’s the root of it, how to excavate and destroy it before it drowns me.)

    I’m not sure where to start, forgive me for my vagueness and inconsistency. (Who exactly am I asking for forgiveness?) Can’t help being self-critical, bitter, and stubborn…I’m your stereotypical teen, barely scratching the surface of REAL issues.

    One of the deepest stabs in life I took was - finding the actual evidence of what filthy, self-centered asshole my father really is for betraying my mother (and now I’m forced to carry the guilt and the burden of the knowledge for not confronting my mother about it).

    Aside from that ugly concoction rotting on my conscience, the only reason I want to live, the only person I can sincerely worship is at even higher state of disturbance than I am at this point. Nothing (not music, not art, not a thing) can hold me in this world, but this person. If he is going down, I’m diving right after him. No replacement, no chance, no doubt about it. NO EXAGGERATION. But this is what I want to avoid, yet I can’t do anything, I’m helplessly, mockingly, fuking hopelessly inadequate because of the geographical distance between us currently. All we want is to be together, we both know that, but if that’s not a reality sometime this year, then we perish. Apparently that’s asking for a lot in this goddamn, systematic-bullshit hellhole of a world where you’re fuking worthless without money. Got to love it, got to lick somebody’s ass for a tiny accumulation of scrapings per day, got to love it.

    I’m falling behind fast. No self-worth. No one else to talk to. No where to go. And eventually…I will have to pay for my notorious delays, hesitations, guilt-trips, bad-trips, sleeplessness, self-hate, isolation. Wonderful.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 13, 2007
  2. manofleisure

    manofleisure Member

    dude...this is not good..but read my post and you might feel better.

    You actually sound like you could turn things around in the morning.

    I hope you can just over look alot of the b.s. in this world and push on to a new day.

    I don't know your situation but I know you are cool if you push a little harder to come up and out of the funk.
  3. Spiraling

    Spiraling New Member

    I did read your post, and it is a reminder that I’m not the only one struggling for meaning in a fuking wasteland, but it doesn’t make me feel better knowing that some of the most exceptional souls have to suffer. It’s all wrong, everything is backwards. I really don’t believe that you or I and many other beings should have to burn this bad non-stop.

    I keep putting on an artificial façade in front of everyone when really I just want to eviscerate the boiling magma inside my gut. Hate and indifference is already flooding me, it has taken its toll. I feel sick, convulsive…out of breath.

    Is it wrong to be so selfless and instead of healing myself, punishing myself for the ones that I care so much about because I can’t reach out to them and save them from drowning in the same shitstorm that I am. Why wont anything let me in, why must things be so fuking complicated. I would gladly sacrifice myself if that made them step up and finally be able to breathe. But I can’t do anything right. Am I the biggest piece of shit coward for not being able to say the things that need to be said, before it’s too fuking late? I know I’m still young, but I perfectly understand how this race of humans functions – no body is going to baby-sit everyone and mostly everyone else will be too busy draining the juice out of all the things that they can get their hands on. And I don’t want to be one of them so I’m dying for it.

    Fuk this, fuk being such a goddamn human and feeling all this shit that is so typical of a human. I want to love but nothing will allow it, I want to appreciate life, but everything is wrong, everything is spiraling backwards.
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