the hurt won't go away

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by letmego3, Jul 22, 2012.

  1. letmego3

    letmego3 Well-Known Member

    i still feel hurt inside today after all these years even though it should not effect me anymore. i'm the odd one out of the family, my two sister's always had everyone's attention. My mother is close to them, they were born much earlier, then i'm came some ten years afterwards. i feel as if i'm just the last one to be born who no one wants to be bothered about because my sisters took all the limelight. Its not their fault, their personality is so much better than me. Everyone likes them, talks about them and can understand them. I'm just a shadow in the background with no personality and just an alien to everyone.

    my eldest sister seems to have the best personality and life out of all of us, then my middle sister who just always is around my older sister, then theirs me, a stupid dumb male with no significant personality, they probably think i'm a loser and i could not agree more. but why is it effected me now. i was over that. they don't even care that much about me and my life so i have stopped talking about anything significant with them. just a hello and goodbye. i'm ok with that. we are very different people and see the world in a different way. but i'm constantly reminded everytime they come over how i will and always be the weird person of the family. when they don't call, i can be happy and forget about it but as soon as they call or come over something happens to me, i get the energy sucked out of me, i feel depressed, worthless and think about suicide.

    it is having a big effect on me. i have thought about suicide and how to get it done a few years ago. but i had decided to stay alive because it will hurt my mother. but it is just so hard to stop this effecting me. my mother is not the type of person that i think deserves to live alone with my suicide. i know my sisters don't like me, they come and say hello when they come just to pretend in front of my mother, but i know they talk to each other in a bad way about me when they are at home, if they don't, then i apologise, but i believe they do. i have the right and deserve to kill myself. anyone in my position would do the same. everyone except my mother would probably laugh anyway, good riddance to the loser of the family. i don't mind killing myself it will only take about half an hour to do but the problem is that my mother would be effected. thats the only reason that i am still alive today.

    now that i have written this i feel a little bit better. but the next time they will come over. it will happen again. the emotions will return and i will once again think about suicide. but the thought of my mother will block me. but why should it. i have been ready for suicide for a long time. i'm obsessed with it everyday. when will the day arrive that i will let out all my anger and use it to motivate me to kill myself. it may come one day and i will be ready for it. right now i am just going to live one day to another day but i am definately ready for the big day of my demise.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 22, 2012
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun i think your sister love you very much or they would not come to see you. They are so much older then you hun so there views on life would be different
    You have to set up boundaries then hun if you become suicidal after they come then perhaps tell them you do not want visitors but they are welcome to call you.
    Have you received any therapy for your depression or have you talked to you doctor hun Just see if there is something to help keep those thoughts away ok You are as special as your sisters you bring something different to this world hun Your mother loves you so very much hun so i hope you reach out and get some supports in place to help you feel better
     
  3. letmego3

    letmego3 Well-Known Member

    Thank you Total Eclipse how are you? I hope your doing well :)

    You know what I am getting sick and tired of this pain I feel inside it never used to bother me that much but the last few months have been horrible. Its all fake. They pretend they care, but then don't actually do anything to show for it. I know deep down that there is a rift between us that will never be repaired. My other sister will always be favored. Once the love is lost, its not coming back the way it used too, if there ever was any love to begin with. They even try to sympathise but it just make me feel more depressed. Everytime there is a call, I can feel the sympathy and it drains energy out of me, I hate it. It effects my mother, then its she gets emotional inside (not crying) and later on in the day I pick up on it and it effects me. I can't explain it well. It ruins my day and weeks sometimes. But they are not bad people, I don't want to sound like they are not nice people, they are actually good people. We just don't click with each other. My two sisters are like a jigsaw fitted together. Me fitting in just does not work.

    I don't care about this anymore because I have been hurt too much in the past (when I used to hang around their place all the time with my cousins) I was always in the background to one side and felt like garbage. I know they don't like me. If I continue to let this go on I'm not going to last much longer. I am done with is. I will still communicate with them in a polite manner for the sake of my mother but there is nothing there at a deeper level. They are good people, but we will just never have anything in common. Its ok now. I'm going to let out my pain inside and just start fresh and live for my mother. I'm just going to ignore any comments from now on and in a polite way just put up a big brick wall and all their shit can bounce of the wall and go back in their face. I will not put up with any crap from them because I'm tired of it all.

    It's time to start fresh :)