i still feel hurt inside today after all these years even though it should not effect me anymore. i'm the odd one out of the family, my two sister's always had everyone's attention. My mother is close to them, they were born much earlier, then i'm came some ten years afterwards. i feel as if i'm just the last one to be born who no one wants to be bothered about because my sisters took all the limelight. Its not their fault, their personality is so much better than me. Everyone likes them, talks about them and can understand them. I'm just a shadow in the background with no personality and just an alien to everyone. my eldest sister seems to have the best personality and life out of all of us, then my middle sister who just always is around my older sister, then theirs me, a stupid dumb male with no significant personality, they probably think i'm a loser and i could not agree more. but why is it effected me now. i was over that. they don't even care that much about me and my life so i have stopped talking about anything significant with them. just a hello and goodbye. i'm ok with that. we are very different people and see the world in a different way. but i'm constantly reminded everytime they come over how i will and always be the weird person of the family. when they don't call, i can be happy and forget about it but as soon as they call or come over something happens to me, i get the energy sucked out of me, i feel depressed, worthless and think about suicide. it is having a big effect on me. i have thought about suicide and how to get it done a few years ago. but i had decided to stay alive because it will hurt my mother. but it is just so hard to stop this effecting me. my mother is not the type of person that i think deserves to live alone with my suicide. i know my sisters don't like me, they come and say hello when they come just to pretend in front of my mother, but i know they talk to each other in a bad way about me when they are at home, if they don't, then i apologise, but i believe they do. i have the right and deserve to kill myself. anyone in my position would do the same. everyone except my mother would probably laugh anyway, good riddance to the loser of the family. i don't mind killing myself it will only take about half an hour to do but the problem is that my mother would be effected. thats the only reason that i am still alive today. now that i have written this i feel a little bit better. but the next time they will come over. it will happen again. the emotions will return and i will once again think about suicide. but the thought of my mother will block me. but why should it. i have been ready for suicide for a long time. i'm obsessed with it everyday. when will the day arrive that i will let out all my anger and use it to motivate me to kill myself. it may come one day and i will be ready for it. right now i am just going to live one day to another day but i am definately ready for the big day of my demise.