The idea of suicide exploded on me today.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Abe, Aug 10, 2015.

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  1. Abe

    Abe New Member

    Hi, my name is Abraham but everyone calls me Abe. I'm 18 years old and I live with my dad at the moment. My parents have been divorced since I was a child, so I live with either. My life ain't that bad if you look at it from far: I've got a roof over my head, I've got money and will soon have a job I like, I'm going to art school to persue my dream of becoming a video game designer, I have a good social life with plenty of friends and I don't have any problems when it comes to girls and being a confident person. But I'm depressed.

    My depression started when I was a 7 year old kid. My parents got divorced and all of my 4 sisters and I were affected. Each one of my sisters, one after the other, went through what my dad calls a "phase" (he takes depression very lightly.) They were actually very depressed. Two of my sisters were suicidal (one of them attempted suicide), the other went through anorexia and the youngest has downs syndrom (and she's happy because of the extra attention my mom gives her.) Anyways, this made growing up very hard for me, being the second youngest child. I was very quite and watched as my family went to s*it. My parents worried less about me because I'm the boy and I'm expected to be strong and to go through tough times. They are partially right, I am REALLY tough and did go through tough times. But I keep bottling my emotions, I've been bottling my emotions my whole life!

    The worst is that my parents don't care about how I feel and how I'm doing. There's no "how are you Abe?" or "Are you feeling alright?". The only time my parents and family members actually stepped in to help out, was when I had my worst depression. For a whole 3 weeks I barely spoke to anyone and went to sleep when I wasn't in school. Weekends I would stay in bed until the night came. The pain hurt too much, I couldn't handle it. After I went through that, with the help of a psychiatrist and keeping fit/working out, I made friends and life was better, at least I thought it was. I kept bottling my emotions 'till this day and it's just getting worse. I know I should be telling someone how I feel, but nobody seems to give a s*it, I feel as if I need to go through this myself again and again and again. I don't know how much longer I can do this for. Suicide has been on my mind for a year now. When I thought of different ways of killing myself and how people would feel without me on this earth and how people would start caring after the deed is done, I felt a feeling of relief, I felt as if I would be happy and I don't need to constantly go through tough times anymore, everything would be okay if I was just DEAD. But that's only recently, I always pushed the thought away and told myself I can get out of my depression and that I'm better than that. Today I cried for 30 minutes and I rarely cry, I don't know what's going to happen to me if I don't get help soon.

    This is the first time I've expressed my negative emotions to anyone since my depression 3 1/2 years ago. I know I can get through this, but why should I anymore?
  2. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    hello abe welcome to sf :hug: I can relate on a lot of things. Divorce is never easy for parents and it's really hard on kids (I was 10 when my parents spilt) And I KNOW how you feel when you keep all your emotion bottled up. The problem with keeping it bottled up is that it will explode and it's not fun. I'm in chat room most of time I'm here for you abe :hug:
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