The ignorance of my family amazes me.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by AsphyxiateOnMisery, Dec 31, 2014.

  1. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    My brother used to treat me like shit when I was a kid. He is 12 years older, so when I was about 10, he was 22. And around that time, he was a selfish, emotionally abusive ass. He insulted me whenever the chance to do so arose and he loved to take advantage of my naivety by telling me all kinds of crap that wasnt true and purposely instilling it into my head until I felt anxiety, fear, depression, and/or anger...and was quite proud of himself when his bullshit lies achieved that result. He constantly played with my emotions...resulting in me now being an emotionally unstable nutcase. Granted, the rest of my family chipped in quite a bit too, he wasnt the only one, but he certainly played a crucial part in it. One thing he constantly insulted me about was my weight. I was overweight at the time and he loved to point it out and make jokes, along with the rest of my family, and the school bullies to top it off. So now because of that, my self esteem is completely shot. I am now 5 foot 4, 127lbs...no longer overweight by almost everyones standards except my own. No matter how much I weigh, I always think its too much. And somehow none of them get why that is. None of them understand how or why the things they said and did made me become the way I am. Hence the title of my post. They absolutely refuse to admit that they played any part in the way I turned out and it pisses me off and hurts me to this day.

    Now, on another note, this same brother currently hates my husband for something thats his own fault. A year or so ago my husband and I were in a lot of financial trouble, pretty much broke. I asked my brother to borrow some money for cigarettes. If he just said no and left it at that then fine I wouldnt have cared. But he didnt leave it at that. He started going on and on about how incompetent my husband is that he couldnt afford to buy it himself at the time. I told him to knock it off because he barely even knew my husband as a person (he met him one time), and he was trying to find a job as hard as he could. But he wouldnt knock it off, he kept insulting him and our relationship for absolutely no reason. And of course my husband saw that I was freaking out during my conversation with him and asked why, so I told him, at which point he said alright let me talk to him then if he has something to say about me. Now in my opinion thats what should have happened in the first place. If he disliked my husband so much, then as a man, he should have said it to him, to his face...not to me. So my husband of course stood up for himself and talked shit back, which was more than justified in my opinion. And now, to this day, my brother is bitter that my husband did that. The first thing my brother did was run to mommy and tell her what happened which was ridiculous in my opinion, considering he is a 37 year old grown man. And my mom, in turn, comes to me with it telling me I need to get my husband to apologize. Like, are you freaking kidding me? My brother started talking shit first, he should be the one to apologize...my husband did nothing wrong. But yet for some reason, wrong or not, shes bitter that Im not taking my brothers side just because hes family. Yeah... Family. The same family that is the reason why I still think 127lbs is too fat. That family. Yeah...I guess youre right, I should take my familys side on this...let me get right on that. Not.
     
  2. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    Families can be difficult but, I'm sorry to say, you will need them in the future. You just have to find a way to swallow it and keep smiling.

    You know you're not fat it's just your mind. A good therapist can help with that.

    It's time to let childhood go. You were both children and he might not even remember what he put you through because he might have been going through some hell of his own.
     
  3. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Children? I was still a child. He was in his 20s. He realized perfectly well what he was doing and was proud of himself for it.
     
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    You don't need to deal with anyone who treats you badly, whether they are family or not. If they make you feel bad about yourself, you don't need them in your life. People don't realize the damage they can do, and it's not as simple as just getting over it, because sometimes things that are said or done can have long-lasting detrimental effects. I would say to find ways to deal with them as little as possible, especially if they show no remorse for their actions.
     
  5. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Families- you get no choice in that lotto - but you have all the choices as an adult in how and even if you wish to continue a relationship and on what grounds. I do not believe based on your telling your husband owes an apology - and in my mind that would be the end of that discussion. I also chose not to associate with my family after I finished high school - a decision 30 years later I have never regretted for a moment. I wish my children had the benefit of extended family on my side, but knowing my family as I do I know they are not that family I would want them to associate with so also do not regret that and consider it a reality as opposed to the ideal fantasy fantasy that does not exist for most.

    Make your decisions for yourself and your husband and if that is not okay with the rest of your family agree to disagree and move on- if they cannot do that, then just move on. No choice when you enter the world but as an adult the choice is all yours.
     
  6. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I wish agreeing to disagree would be the end of it, but its not going to work that way with my family. Never does. My mom will probably keep trying to convince me to make him apologize. After she started up that conversation 2-3 times in the past 2 days, my husband even agreed to do it if I thought it would make my life easier to not have to deal with it anymore. I said no. Firstly, he shouldnt be apologizing for standing up for himself and our relationship. Second, I dont like my brother. And third, if he apologized, my mom would think she changed my perception on the situation, which wouldnt be the case. That wouldnt make my life easier. Sure, maybe shed stop pestering me about it, but on the other hand, it would make them feel like they won and got their way. And I dont want to encourage their delusions just to keep the peace. It wouldnt be right or fair. Hopefully though, it wont come up again for a while. Im pretty sure the only reason it has recently is because we couldnt all be there together in one room for New Years Eve and my mom wasnt happy about it. Which I do understand by the way, but her thoughts on how to fix it are completely wrong so its just going to have to be what it is.

    And its not even just about my husband. To be honest, I feel my brother owes me an apology too. Not only was he talking shit about someone I care very deeply about, he was also talking shit about my marriage as a whole, and my judge of character when it comes to relationships. Thats incredibly insulting to me, personally, as well. I wouldnt ever say anything of the sort to him no matter who he chose to marry (mostly because it wouldnt be any of my business), especially if I only met her once like he did my husband. So why the hell does he think he can speak freely on the matter? Aside from the fact that Im a grown 25 year old woman, even if I did need guidance or a father figure, its not like hes been the type of big brother to ever do that since Ive known him. The only thing hes ever done is torture me. So the fact that he chose that particular moment and time to act that way is very ironic in many ways. Apparently he told my mom that hes not mad at me and forgives me (yes, he FORGIVES me, as though I did something wrong too...hilarious), and that hes only pissed off at my husband. And I told her to tell him that the feeling isnt mutual and that the only way he and I will be okay is if he apologizes to me, personally. Even if he wont do it to my husband. Of course, even if he did do that, we would only be okay in the pretend sense...until he truly apologizes to me for everything else hes done my whole life. And stops acting like such a pompous jackass in the future. But Im not holding my breath on that.

    By the way, sorry for the lack of apostrophes in my posts. The apostrophe key is broken on my keyboard, thats why.
     
  7. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    There is nothing wrong with standing your ground on something that you feel strongly about. I hope that however it ultimately resolves (or does not) you are able to stay positive and you and your husband are able to support each other in dealing with it. It really is not worth the emotional energy that family drama costs - if it cannot be pleasant (or at least tolerable ) to be around them I would avoid it completely. But that is what works for me, you should make your choices on what works for you with the idea of moving past issues rather than having them hold you back on a personal level.