“Et tu, Brute?”
~ William Shakespeare , Julius Caesar
In Dante’s imagined descent through hell, he reserved the Ninth Circle—the “lowest, blackest, and farthest from Heaven”—for the sin of treachery. The worst sinners, in his underworld, were the traitors—those who betrayed their loved ones, their country, and their God. Betrayal lies at the core of what we label as 'treason,' and for Dante, the two concepts would have been synonymous: “turning someone over to the enemy, outside the space of trust of one’s family, party, and country, breaking their covenant with God.”
Some people who are deeply betrayed are forever changed by it, and some never recover, if at all. It's even understood to go beyond the usual posttraumatic stress symptoms.
So why is betrayal so powerfully wounding?
For starters, betrayal is relational. You may be familiar with the proverb: “The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies.It comes from those you trust the most”. Being betrayed by an intimate partner, for example, will have a greater impact than the same from an acquaintance or a relative stranger. If someone you love and trust is capable of hurting you this way, this can have the result of making you guarded and suspicious of everyone else. This then has an impact on our ability to form meaningful & close relationships with others. It's not just within interpersonal/intimate relationships that betrayal can happen either. It can be a working one as well. For example, a long-term co-owner of a business who embezzled company funds, absconds and leaves you to pick up the pieces. Our first experience of betrayal often comes to us as children and from our own families. This can be so painful that we actually disown those parts of ourselves and grow into very fractured adults.
Betrayal leads us to question our own instincts. We begin to doubt our ability to trust our own judgement and intuition. Not being able to trust ourselves can be very demoralizing and affect multiple aspects of our lives.
We may also find ourselves confused by it. If it's not something you could ever imagine doing yourself, and lies completely outside your own value system, you may even blame yourself. The idea here is when faced with extreme pain our mind tries to quickly make sense of it in order to regain safety. The logic is if I can figure this out, I will no longer feel as hurt. With no good explanation on hand, we resort to the simplest solution, which is, it must be something about me. We don't as quickly and easily come to realization that lies and cruelty just come very easily to some people.
Ultimately, betrayal by someone who knows you well implies that this person doesn’t value your relationship. Some mental health professionals believe it is this very sense that you’re not valued that may be at the heart of the intensity of your emotional reaction to the betrayal.
Does any of this resonate & has anyone experienced a betrayal where they still struggle with the effects to this day?
Equally, has anyone had such an experience and managed to heal & come through the other side?
~ William Shakespeare , Julius Caesar
In Dante’s imagined descent through hell, he reserved the Ninth Circle—the “lowest, blackest, and farthest from Heaven”—for the sin of treachery. The worst sinners, in his underworld, were the traitors—those who betrayed their loved ones, their country, and their God. Betrayal lies at the core of what we label as 'treason,' and for Dante, the two concepts would have been synonymous: “turning someone over to the enemy, outside the space of trust of one’s family, party, and country, breaking their covenant with God.”
Some people who are deeply betrayed are forever changed by it, and some never recover, if at all. It's even understood to go beyond the usual posttraumatic stress symptoms.
So why is betrayal so powerfully wounding?
For starters, betrayal is relational. You may be familiar with the proverb: “The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies.It comes from those you trust the most”. Being betrayed by an intimate partner, for example, will have a greater impact than the same from an acquaintance or a relative stranger. If someone you love and trust is capable of hurting you this way, this can have the result of making you guarded and suspicious of everyone else. This then has an impact on our ability to form meaningful & close relationships with others. It's not just within interpersonal/intimate relationships that betrayal can happen either. It can be a working one as well. For example, a long-term co-owner of a business who embezzled company funds, absconds and leaves you to pick up the pieces. Our first experience of betrayal often comes to us as children and from our own families. This can be so painful that we actually disown those parts of ourselves and grow into very fractured adults.
Betrayal leads us to question our own instincts. We begin to doubt our ability to trust our own judgement and intuition. Not being able to trust ourselves can be very demoralizing and affect multiple aspects of our lives.
We may also find ourselves confused by it. If it's not something you could ever imagine doing yourself, and lies completely outside your own value system, you may even blame yourself. The idea here is when faced with extreme pain our mind tries to quickly make sense of it in order to regain safety. The logic is if I can figure this out, I will no longer feel as hurt. With no good explanation on hand, we resort to the simplest solution, which is, it must be something about me. We don't as quickly and easily come to realization that lies and cruelty just come very easily to some people.
Ultimately, betrayal by someone who knows you well implies that this person doesn’t value your relationship. Some mental health professionals believe it is this very sense that you’re not valued that may be at the heart of the intensity of your emotional reaction to the betrayal.
Does any of this resonate & has anyone experienced a betrayal where they still struggle with the effects to this day?
Equally, has anyone had such an experience and managed to heal & come through the other side?