I often wondered at what point in my "journey" I would actually commit the act. I have read that suicide is like quitting smoking; you need to emotionally quit a number of times before you finally succeed. Tonight was the closest I have come to actually acting out my intentions, I even completed the note I had started a few weeks ago, I imagine I will re-write a few things before my time has passed. If it wasn't for the fact that I promised my wife I would not harm myself while she is away (due to a death in the family if you can imagine that) I would probably have gone through with it tonight. It is almost certainly going to occur sooner rather than later, it is important for me that I speak my mind so that even though all of you only know me as a name on here, that at least you know something about me beyond just my desire to move on. I am biased when I say this, but I am a good human being. Selfless and relentless in the face of adversity. I should have been dead long ago but I fought on. I have bravely stared down those who would do harm to others, I have loyally (to a fault) stood by friends who faced peril and I have overcome great odds (even at birth when I was raised for the first six weeks in an incubator). I have always stood by others without thinking about my own safety; without hesitation, it was simply the right thing to do regardless of how I might personally suffer. I have NEVER backed down from anyone or any challenge and I will never back down until the day I leave this earth. I have always defended those who were weaker, always confronted bullies, was always genuine with people. You knew where you stood with me, I could never b.s my way through life. As much as I have been the victim of extreme manipulation I have never manipulated others. What you see is what you get; the class clown, someone who used to be so high on life even though I have constantly faced the removal of all things that have made me happy. There is one person I know who is more courageous than me, and I made sure to address her in my note more than anyone else; my mother. She had me at a young age and out of wedlock at a time when it was considered taboo. As a single mother for a number of years she took care of me and loved me to death; unconditionally. Like many mothers, she would jump in front of a train to protect her son. I know exactly where I get this courage, I inherited it from her. It may sound ironic that I am speaking about courage as I intend to kill myself, but ultimately this will be my final act of courage. Instead of living a life with my dignity stripped I will control my final destination, and at my time of choosing. In my note I expressed just how much admiration I have for her, how proud I am to have been able to call her my mother. Without her character rubbing off on me I would have been gone long ago; I would have thrown in the towel and slinked away; but I fought on just as she did. I know there are others out there like me. Hell, there are most certainly a number of you on this forum. It is people like you I will miss. My mother raised a good son. I will leave behind a wife two siblings two cats and two dogs. I hope I have left behind enough memories to continue in the hearts of these and others.