The impending death of a good son...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by shockedcanadian, Jun 8, 2012.

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  1. I often wondered at what point in my "journey" I would actually commit the act. I have read that suicide is like quitting smoking; you need to emotionally quit a number of times before you finally succeed. Tonight was the closest I have come to actually acting out my intentions, I even completed the note I had started a few weeks ago, I imagine I will re-write a few things before my time has passed. If it wasn't for the fact that I promised my wife I would not harm myself while she is away (due to a death in the family if you can imagine that) I would probably have gone through with it tonight. It is almost certainly going to occur sooner rather than later, it is important for me that I speak my mind so that even though all of you only know me as a name on here, that at least you know something about me beyond just my desire to move on.

    I am biased when I say this, but I am a good human being. Selfless and relentless in the face of adversity. I should have been dead long ago but I fought on. I have bravely stared down those who would do harm to others, I have loyally (to a fault) stood by friends who faced peril and I have overcome great odds (even at birth when I was raised for the first six weeks in an incubator). I have always stood by others without thinking about my own safety; without hesitation, it was simply the right thing to do regardless of how I might personally suffer. I have NEVER backed down from anyone or any challenge and I will never back down until the day I leave this earth. I have always defended those who were weaker, always confronted bullies, was always genuine with people. You knew where you stood with me, I could never b.s my way through life. As much as I have been the victim of extreme manipulation I have never manipulated others. What you see is what you get; the class clown, someone who used to be so high on life even though I have constantly faced the removal of all things that have made me happy.

    There is one person I know who is more courageous than me, and I made sure to address her in my note more than anyone else; my mother. She had me at a young age and out of wedlock at a time when it was considered taboo. As a single mother for a number of years she took care of me and loved me to death; unconditionally. Like many mothers, she would jump in front of a train to protect her son. I know exactly where I get this courage, I inherited it from her. It may sound ironic that I am speaking about courage as I intend to kill myself, but ultimately this will be my final act of courage. Instead of living a life with my dignity stripped I will control my final destination, and at my time of choosing. In my note I expressed just how much admiration I have for her, how proud I am to have been able to call her my mother. Without her character rubbing off on me I would have been gone long ago; I would have thrown in the towel and slinked away; but I fought on just as she did.

    I know there are others out there like me. Hell, there are most certainly a number of you on this forum. It is people like you I will miss.

    My mother raised a good son. I will leave behind a wife two siblings two cats and two dogs. I hope I have left behind enough memories to continue in the hearts of these and others.
     
  2. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I'm not nearly as good as you... I do try, but I'll confess that I fail a lot. Perhaps that's because I didn't have such a special mother who loved me unconditionally, or anyone else to look up to. Blame it on bad role models. Or blame it on my weakness of character, I don't know. Whatever. At heart, I think I'm basically good, just with a few rough edges. Though like I said - I'm not as good as you. And for that reason alone, I don't think you should commit suicide. Yes, it demands great courage to take your own life... that I won't deny. I'm not telling you to live on for the sake of others, or because I think suicide is cowardly. I'm telling you to hang on because I think you deserve to be happy, and it's hard to imagine that you will find happiness in death. Perhaps; but you don't know for sure. Whatever it is that you are fighting, I wish you luck in vanquishing it and freeing yourself from whatever it is that is holding you down. That is my hope for everyone on here, myself included. To fight and conquer our personal demons, so that we are able to enjoy life as so-called "normal" people do. I think you deserve to live to find happiness in this life, rather than rushing towards whatever comes next.

    But that's just my opinion. It's ultimately your choice to make, and I won't think any less of you either way. I just think you should give yourself another chance first.
     
  3. lelantgirl

    lelantgirl Well-Known Member

    It
    It takes a hell of alot of courage to end your own life (I know as I'm that situation) and it also takes a hell of alot of courage to carry on living on a daily basis with the daggers of life spearing you and causing tremendous pain and heartache.
    Some tell me its more courageous to go on living than take the 'easy' option...........But neither is easier than the other, you go on living then thats courage, you end it all, then thats courage too, cos I cannot get to the final stages which end my life, just think and make attempts, cut etc.

    I would be interested to learn and others here would, what has made you so suicidal? When this low I always try and analyse whats 'behind' it so to speak.
    You had a fantastic mother who nurtured you and took great care of you it sounds, and you have a wife, siblings and animals.........
    There must be something very deep going on my friend, you say your wife is away due to a family death. It would be the end of her if she returned home to find her beloved husband gone too. Share here or post me a private message if that helps more.
    YES you would leave memories behind for those who loved you of course you would, but you'd also leave behind a gigantic deep, dark black hole................and such sad memories that they would then blame themselves in turn, thinking they had something to do with you taking your life.
    I am suicidal right now myself, so not just preaching to you, but do try and hang on in the next minutes, hours. Come here and share, send me a private message and we can chat that way, PLEASE dont think suicide is the ONLY way, it does seem like it doesn't it though, we could at least try to talk through things.
    Take care and I am here if you need to talk.
     
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