The Improved Ten Commandments

Discussion in 'Soap Box' started by pit, Jul 28, 2008.

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  1. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    These are the original ten commandments. And when I think about them, some are weak, vain, useless, and illogical.

    1. I am thy Lord thy God. Ye shall have no other gods before me.

    2. Thou shalt not worship any graven image or false idols.

    3. Thou shalt not use my name in vain.

    4. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy.

    5. Honor your father and mother.

    6. Thou shalt not murder.

    7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

    8. Thou shalt not steal.

    9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

    10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, house, sheep, or ox.

    Let's start with this one: 1. I am thy Lord thy God. Ye shall have no other gods before me. This is pure vanity on the Lord's part. If he wants to give us free will, why does he insist we worship him all the time? How selfish. How can an all-powerful deity be chronically starved for attention? Let's replace it with: This is your life, don't take it for granted. Boring, I know, but I'm starting from scratch.

    Next is 2. Thou shalt not worship any graven image or false idols. Another example of our deity's inferiority complex. He should be secure in his power and omnipotence, but no, the minute you're watching Peaches & Herb, he wants the channel changed to Him. Let's strike that and propose this: Don't put material, superficial things ahead of spiritual and physical needs.

    And now the most useless one: 3. Thou shalt not use my name in vain. What a touchy God! If I said Stanley Fucking Brown, would Stanley strike me dead? I'd rather not replace it and have nine commandments, but that number isn't as glamorous as ten, so I'll replace it. How 'bout, Don't put your name on everything like a vain, greedy asshole. Hear that, Donald Trump?

    Here is the most mellow: 4. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. If I listen to Black Sabbath every day, do I get brownie points? Why should Mr. Big up there care how you spend your leisure time? How 'bout: Stop and smell the roses every now and then, and respect the animals and habitats of the Earth.

    5. Honor your mother and father. I don't have a problem with that. But if you have shitty parents, you can always honor them with the middle finger.

    6. Thou shalt not murder. Makes sense. 7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. Nice idea, but love and especially lust, knows no limits.

    8. Thou shalt not steal. I'm sure everybody's stolen something in their life, but in case anyone's forgotten, stealing is just plain wrong. Unless you steal from big, giant, nasty corporations. Then it's okay, especially if you give it to the poor, like Robin Hood.

    9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. You wouldn't like it if your neighbors spread lies about you. But this is a wordy, opaque commandment, so I'll change it to: Look out for each other.

    10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, house, sheep, or ox. Now this is a useless commandment. Like Hannibal Lector said, everybody covets. It's as natural as breathing. So I will toss this one out and replace it with: 1Honor thy children. Only honoring parents makes this list unbalanced, don't you think? Now, I present to you my version:

    1. This is your life, don't take it for granted.

    2. Don't put material, superficial things ahead of spiritual and physical needs.

    3. Don't put your name on everything like a vain, greedy asshole.

    4. Stop and smell the roses every now and then. Respect the animals and habitats of the Earth.

    5. Honor your mother and father.

    6. Don't murder.

    7. Don't commit adultery.

    8. Don't steal.

    9. Look out for each other.

    10. Honor thy children.

    What are your suggestions?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 28, 2008
  2. nedflanders

    nedflanders Well-Known Member

    1. Don't waste beer.

    2. Don't forget that you aren't God, and therefore you shouldn't take it upon yourselves to "improve" His commandments.
     
  3. BioHomocide

    BioHomocide Well-Known Member

    You only need one commandment:

    1. Thou shall buy crap to fuel the American economy.

    :laugh:
     
  4. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    The 10 commandments are essentially a blueprint for a happy, effective life, not a bunch of ego-driven nonsense. You seem to have misunderstood the majority of the commandments, so let me translate:


    1. I am thy Lord thy God. Ye shall have no other gods before me.

    Translation: There's only one God, me. Stop worshipping made-up Gods like the god of fire and the god of the sea and the god of Jello pudding pops. It's stupid and pointless and accomplishes nothing.

    2. Thou shalt not worship any graven image or false idols.

    Don't worship statues. They're STATUES people, inanimate objects. Once again, this is a pointless excercise in futility.

    3. Thou shalt not use my name in vain.

    When you call my name, I hear it and I listen to you. I'm pretty sick of hearing "Goddammit, the Celtics lost again!" I have shit to do. When you say my name, you better be praying because this is just getting annoying and it's rude.

    4. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy.

    Take one day a week to relax and reflect on the blessings in your life. Everyone needs to just chill and appreciate life every now and then.

    5. Honor your father and mother.

    They're your parents and you should do what you can to cultivate a good relationship with them. You only get 2 and they won't be around forever. Appreciate your heritage and foster strong family ties.

    6. Thou shalt not murder.

    Don't kill people for no reason. It's bad.

    7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

    Don't fuck around on your spouse who loves and trusts you. It's bad.

    8. Thou shalt not steal.

    Don't take other people's shit. It's bad.

    9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

    Don't gossip. It could ruin someone else's reputation. That's bad.

    10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, house, sheep, or ox.

    It's o.k. to have goals, but when you obsess over someone else's shit to the point where it interferes with your life, you forget about the blessings that are right in front of your eyes.



    Personally, I think that if everyone followed these 10 simple rules, life would be much happier and the world would be a much better place.
     
  5. Bigman2232

    Bigman2232 Well-Known Member

    The 11th Commandment

    Thou shall ignore all of the above

    Remember to always read the small print:wink:
     
  6. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    All of these are considered more important by "god" than not committing rape, for instance, but then again, the biblical "god" condones rape on numerous occasions, so I guess that's understandable.
     
  7. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    George Carlin managed to whittle 'em down to TWO :biggrin:

    I felt there was something familiar about writing this post!
     
  8. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I forgot about that one. Don't rape.
     
  9. white

    white Well-Known Member

    Rape is considered a type of lust or sexual immorality
    Exodus 20
    The Ten Commandments
    1 And God spoke all these words:

    2 "I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.

    3 "You shall have no other gods before [a] me.

    4 "You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. 5 You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, 6 but showing love to a thousand {generations} of those who love me and keep my commandments.

    7 "You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.

    8 "Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. 9 Six days you shall labor and do all your work, 10 but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your animals, nor the alien within your gates. 11 For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.

    12 "Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.

    13 "You shall not murder.

    14 "You shall not commit adultery.

    15 "You shall not steal.

    16 "You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.

    17 "You shall not covet your neighbor's house. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."

    18 When the people saw the thunder and lightning and heard the trumpet and saw the mountain in smoke, they trembled with fear. They stayed at a distance 19 and said to Moses, "Speak to us yourself and we will listen. But do not have God speak to us or we will die."

    20 Moses said to the people, "Do not be afraid. God has come to test you, so that the fear of God will be with you to keep you from sinning."

    21 The people remained at a distance, while Moses approached the thick darkness where God was.
     
  10. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    1. Thou shall practice reasonable hygienic diligence.

    2. Thou shall not yak your head off while others try to negotiate a tricky traffic maneuver.

    3. Thou shall not flip through the channels so fast the brain hasn't a chance to register any one of them.

    4. Thou shall not give the dog refried beans and create an ersatz San Quentin gas chamber.

    5. Thou shall inform of your need to use the lavatory without specifying which type of elimination will occur.

    6. Thou shall not claim a large bowel movement is the elixir of youth.

    7. Thou shall not eat garlic, ever.

    8. Thou shall not bring your car to an auto mechanic claiming "It's making a birdie noise".

    9. Thou shall not mock the guy in the gorilla suit waving at traffic in front of the cell phone store.

    10. Thou shall never run for public office.

    :wink:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 30, 2008
  11. Entoloma43

    Entoloma43 Well-Known Member

    Until you can prove your God isn't made up and the others are, this is silly. Followers of other religions believe just as firmly that you're God is made up, and they have the correct one.
     
  12. Bigman2232

    Bigman2232 Well-Known Member

    I believe that's what was being said by part of the actual 10 commandments not the actual OP
     
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