The Inevitable, preparations, and talking with fucking psychs

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by LetItGo, Mar 2, 2007.

  1. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Psych : So Matt how you been feeling, whats been happening
    Me : The same way I always feel
    Psych : So tell me about that, how are you feeling right now
    Me : I feel like this is pointless, every passing day im just getting closer, I dont know. Its all too late. Regrets, its just, I cant go forward
    Psych : Are you having a lot of suicidal thoughts
    Me : I have the same thought over and over. I know its going to happen
    Psych : Have you tried to commit suicide
    Me : Not really, I guess ive come close to trying, Ive never really made an attempt because ive always felt I would do it right the first time
    Psych : So what has stopped you up to this point
    Me : I dont know, just guess I havent made that final decision. I mean ive wanted to jump of Nobbys a couple times
    Psych: Are you stopped, I remember you telling me
    Me: Friends stopped me. Just delays the inevitable.
    Psych : So, if I was to ask you on a scale of 1-10 the likelihood of you attempting suicide today, what would your answer be.
    Me: I dont know, its all shit, 6, 7...I just dont know
    Psych : So when you leave here, what are you going to do.
    Me : Probably drink, I just want to drink all the time these days. Want to wipe myself out...want to drown.
    Psych : Matt, I need your assurance your not going to do anything
    ME : I dont know, If I say im going to do it, you lock me up. No im not going to do it..

    And around and around it fucking goes, same conversation every time...Are you gonna do it now, yes/no/three bags full, FUCK why dont these people just let you FUCKING DIE. it makes no differance to them, there life goes on.

    IVe started preparations now. Started researching, and thinking about what im going to write. Ive been popping pills and drinking with no care anymore, I just dont give a fuck anymore about the outcome. If i DIE, I DIE.

    I need to talk to my dad, wanted to do it last night, but still a bit groggy, need to finalize things with him. Need to write out some letters to people I care about. Theres so much to do.

    I just want to go now... I just want to go.
     
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Matt, Don't. Just... Don't.

    I love you.
    DOn't do ti. Pleasse.
     
  3. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Why Est? why hang around, I just dont see any point. Ill never be free of how I feel...its always with me. ALWAYS. I know you care..but theres just nothing left for me anymore.
     
  4. LeaveMeAlone

    LeaveMeAlone Well-Known Member

    What kind of treatment have you tried Matt?
     
  5. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Im taken anti-d's have been for months now, ok not EVERY single day, sometimes i run out. Seeing a clinical psych for almost 3 months, just recently started seeing a psychiatrist cause I said i was going to commit suicide, and now im in "the system".

    Its never gonna change, ever....Every day is another day, but it just leads to the inevitable. I have nothing to tie me here anymore. There is nothing.
     
  6. LeaveMeAlone

    LeaveMeAlone Well-Known Member

    if you're only on your first type of anti depressant you still have a hell of a lot of options. I know that the suffering in the mean time is unbareable but we just have to do whatever we need to to stick it out. Which anti depressant at what dosage for how long? and has it at any noticeable effect?
     
  7. blub

    blub Guest

    first of all, try other meds, maye see another psych, because what you just told sounds a it lame if that happens over and over again, like i said before, get some rythm back, stop drinking, popping, look for a job or, a hobbie, work for your life. :hug:
     
  8. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Please stay safe Matt
     
  9. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    :hug: :hug:
     
  10. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    Matt...please take care. Listen to blub, and try and forget all this "inevitable" crap. It's not fate or destiny or whatever you want to call it. YOU are in charge of your own life. You can make it better, make things more bearable, it takes work but I'm sure its doable. You don't have to end it. Its just when i see posts like this, I remember your post that was actually less than a month ago: http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=23325 You said you felt stronger than ever. I don't know what happened between then and now, but I do know there's hope for you. Sorry for not being around, I'm not ignoring you, just haven't been talking to anyone to be honest so I'm sorry but please take care. Even if things don't seem to be going according to plan, no one said it was easy, try different meds, a different psych, don't give up while you still have a chance at a life and happiness. :hug:
     
  11. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Matt it's really early days with the psych, it all takes time and effort..you may feel worse for a bit..but it does get better mate you just have to hang in there.
     
  12. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Nothing good put it that way...

    Ive tried 3 differant meds now, they do nought. The psychs are just going around in circles, we talk about the same things all the time...im just over this fucking life honestly. I cant see a future. Im sick of drinking, but then im sick of living as well, and im sick of thinking. Work...I worked for a decade, made no differance to my life, aside from being able to pay the bills and buy "toys".

    Dont you see?? Its all pointless. I know ive got friends that care, and for that im very grateful, Im gonna try and stop posting about "me"...enough is enough...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 3, 2007
  13. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Don't stop posting about "you"..if you need to get things off ur chest then say them...that's what this site is here for and that's why people are here to listen. Granted I haven't been the greatest friend lately and tbh I've been really rotten, but try telling your psych you want to talk about something else so it doesn't go around in circles, tell them you don't think the meds are working and try something else.

    “More Than One Soul Dies In A Suicide”

    Think about that matt...it's a quote i found..people care and lean on them when you are so low you don't want to get back up....b/c they die too if something happens to you.