The irony of being here.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Rob_, Mar 17, 2014.

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  1. Rob_

    Rob_ Member

    It's wierd.

    I've decided on the path, how I'm going to get there and when it's going to happen. I know what could change my mind, and how unlikely those scenarios are.

    I've pushed my friends and family away, because while I can't stop the pain my passing might cause them, I hope I can, hopefully, reduce it, or at the very least remove the guilt some of them might feel about what they could have done by giving them no options/chances.

    But, still, it eats at me that I can't tell them why I'm doing that, and that it's or their benefit. I miss them, and it hurts each time they try to reconnect with me, but the more they try, the more I realise that what I'm doing is the right thing. I want to talk to people, not necessaily about my plans, but just to talk, but having forced myself into isolation, I'm left with strangers on a forum.

    So here I am.
     
  2. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    Welcome to SF Rob

    :freehug:
     
  3. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

    Welcome :welcome:
     
  4. Blueagain

    Blueagain New Member

    If you think there is a way to change your mind then let it all rest a while & then see how things are going.....
     
  5. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Hi, welcome to the site. I don't really talk about my feelings or plans with people, either. Some outside this site know, but they don't care. Only here can I be open and honest about everything. I hope being on this site will be helpful to you.
     
  6. RogueLoki

    RogueLoki Member

    Welcome, they say everyone has a twin. I am in the same place as you. If you would like to talk, I am here. Just don't wait too long.
     
  7. justsomegirl

    justsomegirl Well-Known Member

    Hey Rob, welcome to the forum. I really identified with your post, and can understand how you are feeling. There's something so devastating about purposeful isolation, no matter how good the reason seems to be.

    As you said, you're stuck with us now, so jump on in. Hope this site becomes a good outlet for you and that you find some people to connect with here that give you support and comfort.

    Welcome again, and hang in there tonight. :hug:
     
  8. Rob_

    Rob_ Member

    Oh, we really are talking one in a million shots...Things like winning the lottery (especially difficult as I don't play), or falling in love with some wonderful woman I don't know yet (and wont talk to/get close to due to my efforts at isolation). I think it's more a case of having thought it through carefully and understanding it all, you realise there are always possibilities, however unlikely. Ending it is simply recognition that the unlikely wont happen.
     
  9. Rob_

    Rob_ Member


    Thanks for the welcome, and the hug.
     
  10. Rob_

    Rob_ Member


    Thank you :)
     
  11. Rob_

    Rob_ Member

    It's no so much that I can't talk to people as I can't see how it would help them to drag them into my mess.

    Best case, they don't care. Worst case, they stress over what I might do and what they can do to 'help', and angst over what they did wrong when they 'fail'.

    Yes, There is risk that they might get upset that I didn't come to them when I 'needed help', but having decided my path I think that's the lesser evil.
     
  12. Rob_

    Rob_ Member

    I know what you mean. Mostly I'm at peace with my decision, and in a wierd way, I'm happier now than I've been in a long time because I'm settled on it, but I wish I could share it with them... Actually, what I most wish is that I could explain to them why I'm doing this, and have them understand and accept that this is what's best, as their confusion upsets me greatly, but to explain would be to defeat the point of pushing them away in the first place and I know that few, if any, would understand.
     
  13. Rob_

    Rob_ Member

    Good to know I'm not completely unique in taking this course, or at least this route to the end.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 19, 2014
  14. justsomegirl

    justsomegirl Well-Known Member

    Well I would put many, many years of thought into it - it's true that it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I think you may be surprised at what the universe will throw at you (positively I mean) if you stick in there.

    No, not something so trite like the love of your life or a winning lottery ticket. Maybe it's a new show you just can't stop watching. A pet you find abandoned and take on as your own. Maybe it's ordering pizza and having it taste crazy delicious for no reason. I'm not trying to tell you to change your mind, but maybe challenge yourself every day to find one thing that didn't suck.

    You seem articulate and kind. Stick around for a while please! :hug:
     
  15. soulreaper

    soulreaper Well-Known Member

    why push people away, that sounds like a lonely and dangerous path to follow, surely you can do something better with your time then isolate yourself, to carry out your death wish.
     
  16. Rob_

    Rob_ Member

    I agree with your sentiment about not taking a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but in my case, I've suffered from depression for a long time (my shrink guessed it had been since I was a teenager...I'm now in my 40s). I suppose in my case it's more of a permanent solution to a long term problem.

    I have tried to find a better way for several years now (I started seeing the shrink around 5 years ago and tried a number of things since). Most recently, well, I spent most of the past year travelling, found and lost...well, if not love, then affection that seemed to have promise of more and any number of other things besides. A large part of the problem though is that it seems hard for me to embrace joy, and get enthusiastic about it, however much I find.

    I wont be going too soon...For good or ill, pushing people away properly takes time. Most still think it's just a temporary thing that I'll get over, and to reach the level of seperation I think is optimal, they need to largely give up on me so they'll barely notice when I'm gone (I got a text yesterday telling me I'd be welcomed back by my friends whenever I want to, so clearly they need to be allowed to drift further away).
     
  17. Rob_

    Rob_ Member

    The decision was made, then I considered how best to do it. Pushing people was a part of the latter, not a cause of it. I do wonder sometimes if it's worth the time and I shouldn't just follow my heart and act sooner, but I do have a definate tendancy to put what is best for others above my own desires.

    It is lonely (As I suggested, that's largely why I'm here), but any danger from this path comes from the decision to take it, not the route taken.
     
  18. justsomegirl

    justsomegirl Well-Known Member

    Well I can certainly identify with that; "a permanent solution to a long term problem." But for now I think as long as you are still attending therapy, some part of you is open to the possibility of a different outcome.

    Getting excited or happy is scary, isn't it? I think, if I even have those emotions anymore, that I can't identify how they feel. There's something about having so much hope and promise and then the fear of the bottom falling out. I guess it's a risk/reward thing; will we bet on happiness winning out? Payout is big, but if it doesn't...scary.

    I don't think anyone really will "be okay" if you're gone. I thought that for a really, really long time and didn't realize the people I had positively impacted. It's funny, it wasn't even my closest friends or family; just people, the checker at the grocery store who told me it makes her day when I come in to chat, or even friends on this forum who are kind enough to make me feel both wanted and needed.

    In any case, I hope you continue to post here and that things are okay today, even if they aren't overall. :hug:
     
  19. Nobody

    Nobody New Member

    I'm in the same place as you are, Rob_

    I have this feeling that i will never recover, and my emotional pain is simply too great, to continue to endure.
    The fact that you have already come on this forum, is to me an actual sign, that you are already recovering. You are reaching out for help, and you now have an anonymous forum you can confide in, where literally 1000's of people feel the same way as you do, and are going through a similar situation.
    These feelings will pass, you will feel better, and you will feel happy.

    Death is permanent darkness and nothingness.

    Please keep posting, if not for you own sake, then for my or other people on this forum's sake. I really care, and i'm terribly sorry that you are feeling this way.
     
  20. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    welcome.

    so why don't you play? again 'cause of the probabilities?

    if you purposely lose touch and sense with everyone/everything, then no wonder nothing will happen.
    make it happen

    the people getting involved is 'cause they care and them angsting is again 'cause they care
    let them. care back
     
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