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The Joke Box

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by Casey., Apr 12, 2008.

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  1. Casey.

    Casey. Well-Known Member

    This is a thread for all funny jokes that anyone has :)
    Keep 'em clean!

    George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.

    After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

    "Stanley," responds the little boy.

    "And what is your question, Stanley?"

    "I have 4 questions:
    First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when ½ of all Americans don't have health insurance?"

    Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess

    When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, Question time. Who has a question?"

    Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

    "Johnnie" he responds.

    "And what is your question, Johnnie?"

    "Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:
    First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And Sixth, what happened to Stanley ?"
  2. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

  3. jonstark

    jonstark Well-Known Member

    A drunk asks a cop:
    "H-how do I reach the train station?"
    "Go straight ahead."
    "Straight ahead? Then I won't reach the station..."
    The wife with annoyance:
    "You're drunk again! And yesterday I was so happy, when you came home sober!"
    The husband:
    "And today it's my turn to be happy!"
    "How much time until the new year?"
    "Can't you see? Exactly half a bottle!"
    A woman shouts at her drunk man. He whispers to her:
    "Honey, write all this down - when I get up tomorrow, I'll read it..."
    "Daddy, I'm tired of carrying sister. Better give me the bag with the bottles..."
    "Are you insane? And if you drop them!?"
    A man sits in the bar and imbibes vodka with zest. He drinks like it's the end of the world. And when the waiter expects him to fall under the table, the man orders a beer...
    "What, after all the vodka?!" asks the waiter.
    "Nah... Before the wine..."
    A drunk man gets home at 3am. His wife meets him with the broom and starts smacking him.
    "You know what time it is?"
    "Then here's one am *smack!* - ... here's two am *smack!* - ...here's three *smack!* - now go to sleep, swine!"
    The man scratches his head and thinks:
    "Good that I didn't come home before midnight!"
    Lecture on the damages alcohol causes. The lecturer:
    "There are many cases, in which the wife abandons her husband, who drinks..."
    Voice in the room:
    "Excuse me, and how much does the man have to drink?"
    "The Russian table - that's a box of beer, two bottles of vodka, a piece of sausage and a dog."
    "Why the dog?"
    "After all, someone has to eat the sausage..."
    "Do you drink?"
    "Only on special occasions."
    "Such as?"
    "Such as when there's something to drink."
    The morning following a powerful binge, a man is trying to shave himself with the toothbrush. He stares at the murky mirror and tries to remember something... His wife shouts from the kitchen:
    "Aleeeex, come for breakfast!"
    "Ah, right! Alex!..."
    "For better digestion I drink beer, for appetite - white wine, for low blood pressure - red wine, for high blood pressure - cognac, when I have a cold - vodka..."
    "And water?"
    "Haven't had such a sickness yet..."
    A wife tells her alcoholic husband:
    "Choose: me, or the vodka!"
    "How much vodka?"

    The doctors have a meeting:
    "Shall we heal the patient?"
    "Nah, let him live!"
    "Doctor, what can you say about my sickness?"
    "We'll have to wait a week."
    "And then?"
    "And then - funeral..."
    The successes of modern medicine are evident: from many sicknesses people no longer die, but merely suffer.
    A surgeon at a banquet:
    "We, doctors, have many enemies in this world..."
    A voice from across the table:
    "And even more in the other world!..."
    A sign on the desk of a doctor:
    "Flowers and chocolates I don't drink".
    "Did your husband die of a natural death?"
    "No. He had a doctor."
    Two doctors talk.
    "You know, dear colleague, ten years ago I had a case, where the patient should've died by all medical cannons, and yet he's still alive."
    "Yes, colleague - if a man truly wants to live, even medicine is powerless."
    At the psychiatrist:
    "When did you first start thinking you're a dog?"
    "When I was just a little puppy."
    "If you stop drinking and smoking, you'll live to be 80."
    "Ah, too late, doc! I had my 85th birthday last March..."
    "What shall we do, professor? Everything is ready for the operation, but the patient isn't here yet."
    "Fine, we'll start without him."
    A doctor tells his patient:
    "I don't want to scare you. Drink this tablet tomorrow, if you wake up."

    A father asks his son:
    "Well, son, how was your day at school?"
    "Ah, it was ok. I just don't know why we have to waste our time between the recesses."
    A father calls another father:
    "Pete, man, did you write your son's math homework?"
    "May I copy it?"
    A clergyman visits the family. Everyone greets him, only the youngest son stays aside. His father is angry:
    "Come say "hello", you moron!"
    The child approaches the clergyman and says:
    "Hello, you moron!"
    "Dear teacher, could you tell me, what did we study today in school?"
    "You know, this is a strange question to say the least!"
    "I agree, but at home they keep asking me again and again."
    A little boy runs to a cop:
    "Help, some man is fighting with my father!"
    The cop goes with the boy and sees two men wrestling furiously.
    "Which one is your father?"
    "I don't know." says the kid. "That's what they are fighting for."
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