I am trying so desperately to keep the schedule I have made. But it is getting so hard. The depression is so bad. I know I need to wait because I don't want any f*ck ups this time. But my head is spinning with anxiety and self hate. And as the days slowly crawl by the guilt is getting unbearable. And I feel more alone than I ever have before. I hate being alone. That's another reason I have to do this so badly. To end the loneliness. And to finally get the peace through the finality of this act. I will not be able to cause any more stress or harm to anyone anymore. But I am so afraid of the anxiety taking over and I try to do this before I'm supposed to. And then another screw up. Someone please help turn it all off for a few more days.