Anger has always been a root issue for me growing up since a childhood rape and subsequent extended melodramatic depression that followed me for the next 14 years. Middle school and High school politics ensured extreme bullying that again compounded on the self-identity of victim. During those periods of heavy depression all the anger was directed inwards and self-destructive behavior followed me around, from physical burns, cuts, and bruises to extreme self-loathing, alienation,and social anxiety. Suicide attempts, social isolation, poor life decisions, and binge drinking all compounded the effects of recurring emotions and traumas. A year and a half after being treated as an adult for post traumatic stress, my internal self-destructive behaviors were curbed away and now I'm facing extreme anger at the society that promoted and supported the abuse. I hate them all for not having to deal with suicide or thinking the only true authentic end comes from the form of early death. They get college I get scars, they get careers I get ridiculed. It's just the next stage of surviving abuse to get passed but it's really hard. Because fundamentally there's a fear that if you give up the anger then you, the person forced to go through hell, are giving up the ability to mourn for your past. If you aren't angry than NOBODY will care about what happened to you, and you'll just the sap stuck with the scars. This righteous anger is used as a tool for externalizing the frustrations of abuse and rape, however, as you move from the abuser or the abusive environment you'll find that it becomes a ridiculously heavy load to carry about, and proves itself to be as self-destructive as self-injury or suicide attempts. During recovery my anger has become more volatile and wild as the direct circumstance for the anger are no longer present. The feeling of righteous indignation, then, arrives when you're in a situation in which you PERCEIVE a similar situation of either abuse or bullying. While the effects of abuse make one sensitive to these situations, rage at being disrespected is almost always A.) exasperated by alcohol or substance abuse and B.) totally socially unacceptable behavior in which you are protecting yourself by abusive, aggressive posturing that will further socially isolate you and fuel your feelings of victimization and thus external and internal anger. Here comes the great pickle then. People who remain angry at the world are fundamentally discarded by society and usually end up isolated where self destructive behaviors can run without social intervention -- dangerous driving practices, substance abuse, jail time, and extremely unstable relationships. However for all the negative effects of anger, there remains a sense of personal integrity -- you are behaving in a way that is socially unacceptable but you're also holding society responsible for creating the conditions that allowed and sometimes promoted your abuse. Your anger that is turning everyone away or getting you arrested is righteous because what happened to you was wrong and you need and deserve retribution. The unhealthy alternative is to ignore and separate yourself from anger. Be friendly and kind with people and lovers. You develop a friendly exterior and laid back personality that comes from not acknowledging the continuing mental effects of abuse and swallowing the toxic bile of resentment when observing what you feel is unfair advantages given to other people or illustrations of what you could have had if your life wasn't marred by abuse. Your friendliness creates social networks of respectful friends but create a schism in yourself that like politics divide and resent the other aspects. Socially your friends will always remain distant and your lovers alienated, by your inability to incorporate key attributes of your personality into your life and thus your inability to share yourself with other people; a social butterfly with the mindset of an apathetic loner. The result of this anger is a perpetually unhappy and incomplete social persona that has little validation from the internal self, but constant praise from external people who compliment you on your well-balanced disposition and calmness. The words feel however empty to you as you know the seething pools of self-hatred that are floating just beneath the surface. And sadly...the longer you remain friends or socially connected to a person, the more certain they too will discover that bile as it always surfaces during moments of temporary psychic weakness that let your self-pity, anger, and bitterness shine through. And as this behavior is more internalized than external anger, without counseling or talking to somebody this facade will promote a regrowth of self destructive behaviors that punish yourself for being abused and subsequently being unable to deal with it. The bitterness that you hide will always demand some form of satisfaction in either binge drinking, reckless driving, or what is commonly referred to a "foreshortened life expectancy" -- the belief that your life has gone through all the markers and now there's now only your death left to complete your life cycle. Foreshortened life expectancy is in many ways the internal abused persona's inability to incorporate itself with your overall ego and thus will feel (and produce feelings and impulses in your life) that there existed the abuse, the anger, and now it's time to be either punished by execution or released from its agony through euthanasia. Anger anger anger. Anger comes from recognition that something unjust happened to you and that you have a right to be frustrated with how the event or person negatively impacted your life. The strength of the anger is dependent on the influence of the instigating event. Anger is an important tool for moving away from the sense of victimization that plague so many of us who have been abused. However, once you get away from victimization it's important to not hold onto your anger as it will always remain an anchor to victim hood and past abuse. Forgiveness is the only way to move past the anger. But that is one giant mountain.