The Last One Left

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by sithspit, Oct 22, 2010.

  1. sithspit

    sithspit Well-Known Member

    It's a very weird situation that I find myself in, one that I've not been in for at least 6 years, really. It's scary, because it's this position that triggered my depression in the first place.

    Will keep things brief, because I don't want to bore any of you here, and I imagine you have lots of other stuff to read other than mine small rant! Basically, when I first started my A Levels back in 2003/2004, my friends which helped me through school didn't stay on, and so I felt incredibly isolated and alone for the next 2 years. I went to a rough school where bullying was rife, but I could shrug it off because I could focus on my friends. When they went, I was by myself, and got trapped in a spiral of depression which led me to attempt suicide several times and get referred to a counsellor.

    Somehow I survived, and since then life has been somewhat good. Reconnected with my old friends, and started going out and experiencing adult life. Got a job, which I have almost 4 years later, which can be exasperating but can also be good fun. Also became a born again Christian, which is easily the best thing I ever did, and gave me a sense of understanding of the world. But the damage had been done, and I was now manically-depressed. The highs were good, but the lows were awful, and the balance between them was scarily unpredictable. Tried medication, but it didn't help. So I threw myself into things to try and fix myself, firstly into alcohol (but obviously didn't work), then faith, then work, then sex. In the end, I did what I did all those years earlier - immersed myself with people close to me, so I felt protected.

    But now, we've come full circle. Because that network of support has once again dissapeared. My brother, who I am used to seeing and experiencing things with every day, has a long-term relationship and is close to his in-laws, and so is away with them. My best friend Sam, who I've done everything with since we were 11, is moving away. My other friend Spencer left to head down south last year.The girl from church who helped me join and who has been close to me since we were very little now has no contact since meeting her much older boyfriend. And the one woman who I felt comfortable and close enough to be intimate and vunerable with has gone away to start a family... obviously am very happy for her, but it does make me really worried about what I'm going to do, as I remember how badly I coped the first time around with this, and I can't face this nightmare again.

    I feel like I'm the only one left. I've been looking to enact my suicide plan, which I've had planned out for ages in case I ever really did need a way out. Maybe it's for the best that everyone has left/is leaving me, as if I'm so messed up and bipolar, then it'll hurt them less when I finally go through with this? I dunno. I know this illness makes you feel and act in screwed up ways, but I also know that I can't cope with those feelings that I felt all that time ago if they return.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your friends move on family too YOu need to move forward as well time to make new friends join new activities new interest. Take a favorite class you always wanted to Get outside that safe box of yours and start meeting new people doing new things. That is how you go on like everyone has but challenging yourself You have made good friends in the past so can now but you have to try okay Get back on your meds for you illness it is the only way to get stable so you can enjoy living again. Time to take care of yourself now okay YOU can do this .