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The Last Straw?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by CGMAngel, Mar 13, 2013.

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  1. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    It strikes me that there are two groups of people who are struggling desperately to hold on: those who are contemplating suicide but manage to say, “I’ll try to keep going for another day,” and those who are contemplating suicide and say, “enough.”

    What is that fine line dividing the two? Is it courage, cowardice, confusion, catastrophe…all or none?

    I ask only because I feel I am progressively moving closer to crossing that line.

    This existence, for me, is simply and literally becoming unbearable. And I am not saying that with a spontaneous outcry of emotion that will subside in a few minutes. I am perfectly calm and rational. I honestly just cannot do this much longer.
    How much constant 24/7 screaming inside his/her head can one individual sustain? Sleep offers no temporary respite, since sleep does not exist for me. The television, books, music, walking… All were once distractions; now they are just reminders.

    I grew up; that was never meant to happen. My parents became old and frail; that was never meant to happen. Nobody takes my cries for help seriously because I inadvertently managed to convince the world that I was okay; that was never meant to happen.

    Was all this suffering predetermined for me on the day I was born? If not, where did I go wrong?

    I was in the supermarket today (miracle in itself). The store was full of people speaking, doing and living. I didn’t understand what they were saying, what they were doing, or how (why?) they were doing it. Why was I born into this planet? This can’t have been the intended destination for me. Don’t belong. Never belonged. Never will.

    There is a thick, impenetrable, invisible wall surrounding the world, and I stand outside it, alone. I am tired of being locked out. All I ever wanted was to belong, blend in, and be one of the seven billion.

    Oh well. I’ll try to keep going for another day…
  2. RenoBill

    RenoBill Active Member

    Wow, I can sympthize/empathize with what you're saying. I'm pretty much feeling the same way. I'm just holdin on a the moment until my brother gets moved, so I don't put the burden of me offing myself on top of his move. He and my sister in law are the trustees to my estate. So I'm around for at least another month or so, maybe things will improve between now and then. But I doubt it. Anyway, just want to say I understand, CGMAngel!
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i hear what you are saying i can so relate being on the outside of things just looking around and knowing i don't belong
    what keeps one from crossing the line well with me is my bro crossed that line and i saw the destruction it brought to so many lives afterwards
    I saw he not only took his life but so many with him their spirits were taken mine being one of them so i cannot do that to my family again
    just existing trying hard to take one day time and get through it just me i cannot harm others even if its means i prolong my suffering
  4. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    I don't know how we determine tomorrow may be better versus tomorrow has never improved my existence, I'm done. I've always been a citizen of the fringe. Most people scare me irl and I find it really hard to trust they aren't scheming how best to work me over.

    Frankly, were it not for my pugs and the responsibility of caring for someone else, I probably wouldn't be here. I'd have continued my search for quick, painless S instead of a community that understands how I feel but promotes the idea of life. :)
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