The last straw

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Meg_1, Oct 7, 2016.

  1. Meg_1

    Meg_1 Member

    I posted here as a newbie yesterday, 'Please Help' and I made it through. But now, I am seriously wanting to take my life; I don't want to die, but I don't know how to keep going anymore - so many ups and downs, but too many downs for so long. … and tonight, I feel as if the 'last straw' has emerged its ugly head.

    I made it through a 4 hour pre-operation surgery assessment for my physical illness yesterday, despite severe anxiety and physical weakness, I made it to my psychiatrist appointment, I made it home and I felt better, after some help here too.

    But today, a day I was feeling initially better, went down hill again …. in severe pain all day waiting for the surgery on monday, but wanting to do things; try to be active to stop dwelling in my thoughts. I couldn't and then it was I (rather than the medical system) that nearly messed up - usually its the medical system that fails me. I forgot to confirm the surgery within the timeline, but was fortunate in that they called me to confirm it..

    but immediately I felt like a failure, fighting so hard to survive; yet also wanting to lie there and not get up again…. earlier in the day, I tried to get out of the house to the shop and rear-ended a car (only minor), and a person I love has deserted me at a time i needed them most. My thoughts have spiralled out of control, and i feel down, alone, yet numb at the same time

    i was going to just try get through, but a memory also just popped into my head from my psychiatrists' appointment yesterday. I was desperate for help, but he was going through his own problems and didn't have much empathy for once. I was so frightened of the surgery and the medical system, being alone, my family not caring, and trying to keep a roof over my head, whilst in so much physical pain too; it hurts to write now - I was desperate for his help; he's always been so good to me and helped

    But I remember saying to him that i felt like such a burden; and it didn't register at the time, but now i remember, he looked at me and said:

    "Yes, you are a burden"

    I don't know if it was a 'strategy' of sorts, or if it was his own struggles with his own physical illness at the time of the appointment yesterday, but those words hit me just now … the last person on this earth, the one who has 'anchored' me for 20 years, told me i was a burden and rushed me out of my appointment, told me to get on with it, no choice, do the surgery, and goodbye.

    I am a burden, to everyone, including the man I love but cannot have because of my health and because he is married and I don't break up other's relationships, so we remain friends only, but he is off on a holiday, enjoying himself, knowing I'm alone and suffering, yet not messaging as he used to, even days ago.

    I am afraid of myself because i know how to do it, I am afraid I will do it because I can't see past anything anymore… everything I had that 'anchored' me, and gave me some small element of hope, has gone. I am getting older, always alone, always frightened since homeless at 16, despite achieving so much. Such a run of ongoing bad luck, … . every time i get up, i fall again; something always happens to knock me down in my tracks

    So its true, I am a burden. I'm numb, yet tears fall. I'm numb; yet afraid of myself. I think i may try, though i don't have much physical energy to do it, but i'm afraid and there is nobody and nothing …..

    I know hope is what keeps us going, and our thoughts can be our own enemies. I can give other people advice, but when in the midst of one's own despair, its virtually impossible to take one's own advice.

    I don't know if i can do this anymore. So many people feel this way and it hurts to read and see and i wish i could help, but how can I when in such a state.

    I am a burden, confirmed verbally by my own psychiatrist (and always a burden to my family who don't want to know)

    No wonder my sister took her life. Not even that was enough to help my family understand, or make the effort to help beyond a point; it gets too much for everyone, until there seems to be no choice.

    I don't know what to do ….. those words, the memory of those words hit me like a brick and I can't see hope anymore, for my illness is incurable, and I will always be such - a burden…. and i hear nothing but silence and my own thoughts, waiting for that call from my friend which isn't coming

    I'm sorry

    i have a plan to end it, a way …. and i'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of life. I'm afraid of death. but i can't keep going, knowing this, and so much else, there is too much to write about.

    I'm sorry for i know so many of you are suffering and struggling too
  2. alphonso

    alphonso Member

    Just know meg that you are definitely not alone. I've been there with the hurt and pain and feeling incredibly lonely and still I am going through it. But believe it or not there is hope. I've thought about taking my life plenty of times but truly it doesn't solve the problem. You are stronger than you think despite all the things that has happened to you you're still here. It may sound cliche but sometimes you gotta go through hell to get to heaven. Believe your heaven is not far away even when we feel our worst. Be strong my friend and hope things go well with the surgery
  3. lainylou

    lainylou Active Member

    Thinking of you, dont have the words to express myself, but Im here sending you love, hugs and good thoughts xxx
  4. JustCan'tQuit

    JustCan'tQuit Well-Known Member

    Dear Meg,
    I'm so sorry to hear that you're in such a state. I'm on the other side of the world from you, but I read your post yesterday, didn't have time to respond, and found myself thinking of you on and off all day. I actually signed in this morning to look for you.

    One of my best friends years ago was a concert pianist whose career was ended by a severe injury. Your story brought hers back...

    Your psychiatrist was obviously not in good shape himself, for whatever reason. Hurt people hurt people, and yesterday, he was hurting badly. It says nothing about where you are at, but a lot about where he is. He's in need of compassion himself now.

    One of the things that landed me here this week was my much older, wealthy, privileged sibling saying, after helping my mother make a will in which she left the little she has to help me, "The only reason we [the sibs] are agreeing to this is is so we can stop worrying what the f*** to do with you." I imagined myself as a bag of old clothes and broken toaster, tossed to the curb. I'm sure I'll remember that line long after she's gone, if my "health" holds out and I survive her.

    Meg, it's not you who are the burden: it's your illness. That's a very different matter altogether.

    What I see in your posts is an accomplished, sensitive, immensely likable, kind person whose words have touched me.

    Please hang on.

    Do the surgery, and I will hope for you that this time it makes things better, not worse.

  5. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Hi Meg,
    I'm so sorry your day took such a bad turn. I hope you can get through the weekend, and realize that you're not a burden, your psychiatrist might be due for retirement...I hope you get that surgery over with. I know how scared you are. Hugs.
    electricalanomaly likes this.