The late arrival

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Meander, Dec 20, 2006.

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  1. Meander

    Meander Active Member

    I understand that It's a bit late for introducing myself. I've been here for months and have gotten to talking with people in many situations. In all my time here I've seldom talked about myself. I've seldom been completly honest, even here. Yes. I've lied. I've used people with legitimate problems to make myself feel better without showing any of my real self. I'm ashamed, I regret. I apollogize. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know it's as inadequate as I am but it's all I can do. That and start telling the truth. I'm tired of hiding it and I hate myself for what I've done to the good, caring people who bothered to try to talk to me. I should probably start at the beginning. With the truth. With me. My name is Kevin. Do not call me Kevin, Kev is more than long enough in text. It's my name, and I've grown rather attached to it. Please use it. It's common enough that I don't have to worry about being found by the wrong people. I'm 21 years old, chronologically, new-born, socially, and indeterminate, philosophically. Meaning, I've been alive for 21 years, I don't know how to express even simple thoughts in words and have spent the better part of my life locked up in my head. I joined this site because... I no longer enjoy wanting to die. I used to. Only thing that kept me from trying too often was my fear of pain. I've wanted to die almost my entire life. Since before I knew how. Before I really understood what death meant. It's varied in intensity throughout my life. I still want it. Every day I think about it. Constantly wonderring how I'll react when I finally give in. What will I see as the pills make me lose my grip on reality? What will I think in those few seconds after I jump, before I hit the ground? How much longer can I hold on? How much do I want this? Why? Why not?... It never ends. I hate it and me and sometimes even the people who try to help. Nothing is so bad that a person deserves to be hated for it, but I do anyway. Because I don't want to hate them I keep the people I love and care about away. Never tell them how I feel inside. They know I'm less than well. It's fairly obvious. They know that I see a therapist and take medication. But they have no idea at all about how deep it goes. They don't know that I want to die. Or that I've made plans, schemes, ways to finally end. Or that I've tried... gone through with the plans... 3 times. I don't like asking for help. I know what it makes me do. I know that I can't trust me, nor can any of you. I can't be trusted to be honest or nice or fair or even appreciative. But I'm running out of options and time. I can't hold on to myself much longer. Not alone. I need help. I'm sorry to be a burden, as always. I hate myself for having to bother you. But I need you. I need me. I have to do something.....
     
  2. yeahmayb

    yeahmayb Antiquitie's Friend

    Kev,

    Thanks for telling us. Alot of us are in the same situation. I hope that you find that finally being honest will ease the mind racing. I can remember those times. If you need an ear, I would be glad to listen, pm me if you like.

    yeahmayb
     
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Kev, thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself to us. You put your thoughts together quite well, so don't worry about that. I am glad you have decided to take steps to maybe change things for yourself. You are not a bother to anyone here. I hope we are able to give you some support through the rough times as well as learn from you. Take care and nice to meet you. :hug:
     
  4. Wonderstuff

    Wonderstuff Staff Alumni

    Hey :)
    Don't worry about not introducing yourself before now, a lot of people who've been here for longer still haven't :laugh: It was nice to read your introduction and get a bit more insight into who you are, though :)
    I'm glad you found us, and I hope we can give you the help and support you need :)
    Take care, hope to see you around, and if you need anything, feel free to PM me :)

    Lauren
     
  5. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Hey there :)

    Welcome to SF officially! :) ;)

    Take care and see you around!

    Joe
     
  6. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    hey kev, i´m glad you asked for help, that is the first step, but why do you feel like this..there´s any reason? welcome to the forum, if you ever need to talk with someone just pm me, i won´t care if you lie or not, or anything, you can talk to me freely , and i´ll try to help you, but you need to be open, ´cause we all here want help and be helped and we can´t do it if we don´t know your situation. you shouldn´t be ashamed, you areyourself and may be you were afraid of being hurt or exposal, there´s no need to apologise, remember i will ebe here for ya.
     
  7. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Hey

    Glad you decided to introduce your self :smile:

    :hug:
     
  8. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF hun. I hope you stick around. Please know I am always here if you need to talk.... hang in there hun. :hug: :hug:
     
  9. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    welcome even if it is a few months late. glad to have you with us.
     
  10. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Dear Kev;

    Welcome to the forum, and please don't feel yourself a burden: we're here to love and support and listen to you.:smile: That's why we're here, to help you any way we can. I'm sure you'll make lots of friends here - there are so many loving caring people here that making friends is easy.:smile:

    love and hugs,

    least
     
  11. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    :hug:

    Interesting.

    You make sense. I like you. Don't feel that you're a burden; ever.

    Take loads of care of yourself.

    And, an official welcome to you.
     
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