I haven't worked since last June, yet I'm less inclined than ever to go looking for work. On an average day I talk to two people, my wife and my two year old son, the latter hardly capable of conversation, yet I'm less interested than ever in leaving the house. I knew I was going to take some time off from work, we'd planned on this, but this is behavior of an altogether different order. I'd even had a vague idea at trying to work on a novel when I knew I was going to be off work, needless to say nothing has been done in that department. More concretely, I'd figured I'd find it easy to start exercising again. After all, we have a treadmill in the basement, I have a nice set of free weights, all that good stuff. But what is weird is that the less I'm doing, the harder it is for me to do much of anything. I seem to be in a completely self-created downward spiral. I honestly don't feel all that depressed, and while suicide is certainly never off the table where I'm concerned it has become kind of a remote idea, almost an abstract one. Funny, since it was not all that long ago that I was going to go full steam ahead with finalizing my thoughts on suicide and start seriously digging up a method. Well, the wind is out of the sails there, too. I've not done what I'd planned. Like floating in a stagnant pond, is a recurrent thought. I've never been big into self-harm, but I'm considering returning to my variant of it, which I believe I'd started a thread on a long time ago. What I do is take a rubber mallet and smack it into the fat part of my thigh as hard as I can, five times for each time I fail to achieve a particular goal. Using a rubber mallet I believe it is just about impossible to break the skin, never mind a bone. But after the third hit it hurts like hell. Fifteen hits is about the most I can take without limping for a day or so. BUT this seems to motivate me to do things in a way something pleasurable never would. I guess because there really isn't all the much I find pleasurable. Avoidance of pain matters much more. Just curious if others have been or currently are where I seem to be, and if they've been able to find an alternative way to approach this.