The light is gone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by HappilyEverAfter, Sep 5, 2016.

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  1. HappilyEverAfter

    HappilyEverAfter Well-Known Member

    I made an attempt on September the 2nd. Before, I had talked quite a lot about my suicidal thoughts and feelings. Now after the attempt I wish I had succeeded. I'm sad and feel like I'm stuck in this horrible world. All I do is worrying everybody who cares about me. I was so ready at the time, why couldn't I have made it?

    Now I try to take each day as it comes. My priorities is to make it through the day. I know I don't want to be alive though. The suicidal thoughts aren't as bad as they were befor the attempt so that's good I think. But the depression is really draining me of all of my energy.

    I feel like all I do is making everyone worry about me. I'm sad all the time and I see no light. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be alive any longer.
  2. GameADDict

    GameADDict INFP

    I don't know exactly what you're going through but from what I've read I can relate to most of what you have typed. I even attempted suicide around the same time as you, except my attempt was last September. I was only one or two tablets of Ativan away from lethal dosage. I also wish I had succeeded. Which I guess is to be expected from a suicidal individual, right?

    Anyways, I too, believe we live in a horrible world. We have people living in poverty, being abused, killed and et cetera. And most people just ignore all this. For what though? A false sense of happiness. I feel like most people only care about themselves. I can't help but be a cynic. But no matter hard I try not to be, I just end up failing. It's like you said, I'm lost in the darkness and I can't seem to find a light. And you can only remain lost for so long until you give up.
  3. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I went through the same exact thing thirteen years ago. What helped me initially to get through each day was to find a reason to live. For me, it was my dogs, they needed me and without them I don't know what I would have done. I kept imagining how they were looking for me if I wasn't there and I needed that guilt to get me through the days until I started to feel better. You're not alone, so many of us have gone through this, so keep posting here when you need some advice or conversation. I hope that you are getting some help through counselling or therapy. xx
    Brian777 likes this.
  4. HappilyEverAfter

    HappilyEverAfter Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear that you're going through similar stuff. The world is indeed horrible. And the most fucked up thing of all of them: we made it this way. Society, the people - we are the ones making the world into the horrible place it is. Thinking about it makes me depressed.

    I'm in residential treatment so I have staff that I can talk to which is good. Thank you, it helps knowing that I'm not alone and that I can keep posting here whenever for advice or conversation. At the moment I feel so alone and I got this sudden urge to kill myself. Sigh.
  5. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I have a negative view of the world, the human world that is. Everything about nature makes me feel gratitude. I choose not to be part of society and that makes me happy. I don't even read the news anymore because it's the same old thing all the time. I cannot stop criminals from hurting people. I cannot stop the weather from destroying villages. I cannot stop terrorists from spreading hatred. But I can make my own world a better place. By that, I mean that I can concentrate on my own values and what gives me fulfillment. I take care of the environment in my own ways by recycling, composting, not wasting, feeding the birds, gardening, not using plastic, gathering rain water...all things that make me feel I am making a difference to the world that I respect. I am a member of many environmental groups and I voice my opinions through petitions and when I can, the occasional donation. I'm more concerned about the Earth than about humanity. When I used to read the news and frequent social media, it was like a constant downer so I stopped. It has helped me focus only on what I feel is good in the world.

    How long do you have to be in residential treatment? Do you feel it's helping you?
  6. HappilyEverAfter

    HappilyEverAfter Well-Known Member

    I just want to update you guys - the staff is currently making calls to see if I can get admitted to the psych ward because I'm in such a bad place rn that I can't guarantee that I don't kill myself. I hope I can get admitted because I could really need it. I'm so anxious.

    (Frances - I didn't ignore your post I just can't read it rn, I'll reply when I feel a bit better)
    GameADDict likes this.
  7. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Good luck! Please be safe and take all the help you can get!!! Come back for an update okay? xx
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome to the forums, glad you joined and are opening up now, that's a step in a positive direction. I am glad your attempt failed. Glad you are still here with us fighting each day at a time, know we are here for you all the way. Maybe find things to look forward to like events, comedians, or just a night out. You need something to get up for and to look forward to. I was once in that frame of mind so I can understand, please seek professional help and assistance and we will see you through this, if you feel the psych ward can help you then go for it and make the most of it. You deserve happiness. Good luck to you.

  9. HappilyEverAfter

    HappilyEverAfter Well-Known Member

    I got admitted. Only allowed to have my phone in a special room. Hoping to be transferred to my regular ward but idk it's not going too well. At least I'm alive in here so that's good. Met a good staff yesterday and I feel like she really listens to me and sees my anxiety even though I'm not the kind of person who throw chairs and screams.
    Frances M likes this.
  10. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hugs. Hope they can help you.
  11. bythelowtide

    bythelowtide Active Member

    I'm so glad you met good staff that you feel like you can talk to! Keeping looking up. We are here for you.
  12. HappilyEverAfter

    HappilyEverAfter Well-Known Member

    Thank you everybody, it's nice knowing you're here for me. Wish I had more time to read all your posts and offer support to you as well though.

    Today mom is visiting, around lunch. I'm looking forward to it so much! Apparently, the ward I'm usually in and would like to go to is full and there are even ppl waiting in line to get in there (it's crazy I know), so I don't think I'll get admitted there. At least I'm not discharged from here yet so that's good.
    Frances M likes this.
  13. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    Glad to see that you are sounding like you are in a better place. That is a good thing to see.

    I wish you the best.
  14. bythelowtide

    bythelowtide Active Member

    It's good to hear from you! Glad your mom is able to visit. Visits are nice! Keep looking up!
  15. HappilyEverAfter

    HappilyEverAfter Well-Known Member

    I got transferred from the intensive psychiatric care which I've been in for an entire week and two days, to "my" ward (the one I'm usually in). It feels good although I'm still feeling down. But celebrating the little things!
    Frances M likes this.
  16. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    That's great, so you made the right decision to ask to be in the psychiatric care ward. I'm glad you feel good about it. Congrats! :)
  17. bythelowtide

    bythelowtide Active Member

    that's awesome HappilyEverAfter. Glad to hear from you! I'm glad you are to celebrate something, even if it's little. Keep checking in with us, we are here for you
    Frances M likes this.
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