The limit...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by 04jwilliams, Jan 26, 2013.

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  1. 04jwilliams

    04jwilliams Active Member

    Hiya just as a summary of my life i'm 20 years old. I was a member on the site 7 years ago using the same username. Basically to cut a long story short, i was physically and emotionally abused by my mum and step dad for 10 years. Both myself and my sister were on and off the child protection register for this amount of time (although my sister was never physically abused). We both went through a great deal growing up with alcoholic and drug addict (cannabis and cocaine) parents who put drink and drugs before their kids. FRom the age of 9 i was left home alone for 12 hours a day (on weekends and holidays) to vend for myself and then from 10 left alone for 12 hours a day to care for my 3 year old sister while my parents were out drinking. I was assulted numerous times by my parents and finally at the age of 15 social services took me into foster care. However this was only short term and i was soon made to go back home. Basically throughout this time i suffered from depression although i never got professional help for it but i did self harm back when i was 13. This was my life up until i was 17...

    When i was 16 i started to hang around with the wrong people got myself into drink and drugs and then at 17 i fell pregnant. Obviously i knew i had to stop the drink and drugs which i did straight away. My family were not supportive of me being pregnant and threw me out but did come round and i went back home although at this point they still had a drug and drink addiction. I was not with the father of the baby although he is kind of involved now. Anyway i had my son and he is the best thing that ever happened to me. Things were looking up and when he was 4 months old i moved out of the house and found a place of my own (which i had saved up for through working during my pregnancy) Things were going well apart from the fact i have constantly had to deal with the constant memories from my past which i dont go a day without thinking about. In sept 2011 i started at 6th form going to do my a levels to get a better future for my son. Then a year ago everrything took a massive downfall. I was with someone who was my first love. He himself had bpd and we very much supported each other (i told him everything that had happened to me) then because of where he was in his life he ended it with that, my son's dad taking me to court for custody, my past and the continual rejection from my mum since moving out because she never wanted to see me, i gave up and overdosed twice. I was unsucellful but hospitalised. I did not do this in front of my son he was at his dads house. However, because of my emotional state he was looked after by a family friend under a voluntary care order. After some help things started to look up then i got him back 7 weeks later. everything was going well until the last few months when i have lost all of my friends so i literally have nobody. Im so isolated. Im still at 6th form but dont talk to anyone the work load is ridicoulous. To top it all off my son is now in the process of being looked into for having autsim and has extremely challenging behaviour all of the time which because of the custody battle with his dad i have him full time and NEVER get a break. Im exhausted. then the icing on the cake is the fact i try and turn to my mum but shes not interested. she lives 5 mins away from me but she wont let me see her i habemt seen her in 6 weeks. I just dont know what to do everything has got too much again and im so depressed. I couldnt go back to how i was last year cos my son needs me but i cant carry on life like this. sorry for the very long post but i needed to get it out x
  2. crunchie

    crunchie Well-Known Member

    I´m so sorry to hear that you are having a hard time, and have had such a hard upbringing. I sincerely hope things will get better for you!

    Welcome back to the forum, I hope you will find some help here. I know I have :hug:
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hey. Sorry things have been so hard for you. I am sorry your mum is not able to be a real mum to you. I hope that someday she can get straight and open her heart. You sound like a nice person. Having an autistic child is quite a challenge. Especially for a single parent who has had such a rough time of it herself. Do you belong to any online support forums for parents of autistic kids? I hope so. Glad you are back here ! You really deserve lots of great support. I can read from your words how hard you have tried over the years. Good for you !
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just know hun we will support you anyway we can ok Your son hun do you have him getting help for his autism I am sorry your mother is not a mother to you glad too you are here hun keep talking to us ok we are listening h ugs
  5. 04jwilliams

    04jwilliams Active Member

    Thank you everyone. No i'm not on any forums for parents of autism, i don't really know any or where to really begin. I do feel that would help though as then i may be able to find different ways to deal with my son and particulalry his outburts which i find very hard to deal with as nothing seems to work. yes i've tried really hard but do sometimes feel that it's not enough and thats in all aspects of my life. But anyway thanks for welcoming me back :) x
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