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The line seems to have been crossed

Optimistic Goatman

The woolly enigmatic one
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#1
Some of this is kinda gross, which i apologise for, i'm just kinda desperate here.
So i've just come back from the bathroom, where i had to rush off to because i was crapping my pants for the third time so far this week. I'm literally 3 for 3 on this. And i just don't know how to cope any more.

Whenever i manage to start adjusting to where i'm currently at, start applying the resolve to keep on enduring, it gets worse yet again. I've been questioning for a while when that line would be crossed where i literally couldn't take it any more. And i think with this recent spike, that line has been well and truly crossed. This is completely unbearable. Every last shred of dignity is being ripped from me, and my entire existence has become this sweaty, exhausting struggle. Even the medications designed specifically to stop diarrhea are barely putting a dent in it now. I'm dragging myself through the days. I just have no strength left to fight it any more. I honestly think if i didn't have the compulsions forcing me to go through the whole hour long hand washing process before i can do anything else, i would have actually ended it tonight. And that's become a concerningly common pattern the last year or so. I'd been doing pretty good these last 3 months or so, in spite of the worsening pain, but this recent spike has broken even the titanium resolve i'd managed to instill by now. This is literally unbearable. I feel so strongly that whether i do something to myself or not, i'm in my final days here. I dread facing tomorrow, because i know it will just be more of the same, and that it'll be harder to talk myself out of it than it was today. I don't know how much longer i can keep this up.

I'm at a point in my life where i finally, after years of work, no longer want to kill myself, but that just makes it crueler that i look at my future of just constantly shitting myself, going to the doctor begging for help, and being told there's nothing really wrong with me, then given more pills that do almost nothing, and i don't see any alternative to making the pain stop already.
Help. Please help. I want to keep fighting but i just have nothing left in me. I have no idea what to do any more. My soul has finally been completely broken. I just want to stop being in pain, i want to have some dignity again for once. And if i can;t have that, i just want to stop existing so it can finally be over.
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#2
Hey Goat,

I'm sorry you're going through this.... can I ask... is this something you've been dealing with that has gone un-diagnosed and have you reached out to specialty doctors or nutritionists about diet changes?

I'm assuming when you say that you can't handle this anymore it's the stomach pain and indignity that comes with well gastrointestinal issues?
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#3
Dammit, that really fucking sucks, I'm sorry.

I know you've had some unsatisfying experiences with doctors, but that doesn't mean this is always going to be like this. I hope you can start feeling better soon.

Doctors never would give you any actual diagnosis right?
Have you messed with diet at all? For my IBS I know it's fatty foods that trigger diarrhea, and maybe onions.
 

Optimistic Goatman

The woolly enigmatic one
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#4
Hey Goat,

I'm sorry you're going through this.... can I ask... is this something you've been dealing with that has gone un-diagnosed and have you reached out to specialty doctors or nutritionists about diet changes?

I'm assuming when you say that you can't handle this anymore it's the stomach pain and indignity that comes with well gastrointestinal issues?
Yeah, i've been going to a bunch of different doctors over the last couple of years. I've had ultrasounds, blood tests, endoscopies, and none of it has found anything. They're saying it's just stress-induced IBS, but that terrifies me, because that suggests it's just going to be like this for another 60 years, and i can't see myself making it another 2 weeks like this.

And yeah, it's the combination of the pain, the loss of dignity, and the way it interacts with my quite severe OCD to make my life my own personal hell.
 

Optimistic Goatman

The woolly enigmatic one
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#5
Dammit, that really fucking sucks, I'm sorry.

I know you've had some unsatisfying experiences with doctors, but that doesn't mean this is always going to be like this. I hope you can start feeling better soon.

Doctors never would give you any actual diagnosis right?
Have you messed with diet at all? For my IBS I know it's fatty foods that trigger diarrhea, and maybe onions.
I've tried quite a lot of different things, nothing seems to have made it better, it's only been getting worse. Like i say, it's now at the stage where i genuinely cannot handle it any longer.
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#7
Yeah, i've been going to a bunch of different doctors over the last couple of years. I've had ultrasounds, blood tests, endoscopies, and none of it has found anything. They're saying it's just stress-induced IBS, but that terrifies me, because that suggests it's just going to be like this for another 60 years, and i can't see myself making it another 2 weeks like this.

And yeah, it's the combination of the pain, the loss of dignity, and the way it interacts with my quite severe OCD to make my life my own personal hell.
Oh no. I am sorry. I have chronic issues myself that have also stolen my dignity and well obviously my situation doesn't apply to you, but I had to change my diet drastically to an AIP diet.

Have they given you tips on managing the stress? I can only imagine how having OCD and stress induced gastrointestinal issues enable one another, causing a cyclical vortex.

I dealt with misdiagnoses and no diagnoses most of my adult life... the doctors never ended up truly helping me in the end. I had to learn patience, stress reduction techniques, but I think what helped most was accepting I was living with it whether I liked it or not and learning how to live my life around it/with it. Alternative medicine helped be a little bit.

Maybe you've been at that point already and are beyond it... but well if you ever want to talk about it, feel free.

I do hope you feel better.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#8
I've tried quite a lot of different things, nothing seems to have made it better, it's only been getting worse. Like i say, it's now at the stage where i genuinely cannot handle it any longer.
Yeah. I feel you. I have a hard enough time with my own IBS, so I can imagine. It's such BS that stress makes it worse (true for me too I think), like how is one supposed to not be stressed in your situation?

I dunno. The low FODMAP thing helps a lot of people. I tried once and got nowhere, but everyone is different, and maybe I wasn't careful enough. I'm biding time until I can see an actual nutritionist and get a detailed plan for some other kind of elimination diet or something, and also putting it off because I worry they'll make me give up coffee or something.

I got nothing useful I guess. Just empathy. And a hope that you can push through this and stick around. *hug
 

Optimistic Goatman

The woolly enigmatic one
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#9
Oh no. I am sorry. I have chronic issues myself that have also stolen my dignity and well obviously my situation doesn't apply to you, but I had to change my diet drastically to an AIP diet.

Have they given you tips on managing the stress? I can only imagine how having OCD and stress induced gastrointestinal issues enable one another, causing a cyclical vortex.

I dealt with misdiagnoses and no diagnoses most of my adult life... the doctors never ended up truly helping me in the end. I had to learn patience, stress reduction techniques, but I think what helped most was accepting I was living with it whether I liked it or not and learning how to live my life around it/with it. Alternative medicine helped be a little bit.

Maybe you've been at that point already and are beyond it... but well if you ever want to talk about it, feel free.

I do hope you feel better.
Thanks, i do appreciate you saying that.
I'm sorry you and @sinking_ship have to go through your own similar things. *sadhug*sadhug
I've definitely been working on stress reduction. I'd been doing so well that i was even finding peace with the concept of spending the rest of my life trapped in this bed by the pain. Every time it got worse, i found my peace with it, then just as i did, it would get worse again.

I'm currently doing CBT to try and reduce my OCD, which could help in some ways, but naturally with my life being the cruel joke it is, just as i finally get that therapy it's actually gotten so bad that even if i did work on the OCD, i can't see it being bearable any more. I've got weeks more to get through, and i don't even know how i'm gong to get through tomorrow.

I do understand you and @sinking_ship talking about diets. Normally i lie a bit about this, but right now, screw it, i'll just drop the pretext and admit that i really struggle with diets like that, not out of self-control or anything, but because, in another ironic twist, my autism that of course i also have means that certain food textures or flavours make me retch if i try to eat them. Wonderfully, this is the case with most fruit and a wide swath of vegetables, meaning most diets like that are literally impossible for me.
Not that i haven't tried a few different diets which claim to help, just that the list of diets which i can actually stomach are kinda restricted.

It's getting hard to keep track of all the things that "totally could have been the answer" which i've tried by this point though
 

Optimistic Goatman

The woolly enigmatic one
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#11
I'm literally at the point where if someone offered me ECT to reduce the stress so the IBS eases, i'd take it so fast they wouldn't even get the chance to blink. Hell, i'm literally at the point where some part of me wants to beg them for it. I spent so long working on how to handle the stress emotionally, it's such BS that once i finally started to master it, my body gave up under the weight of that stress.
I almost wish i hadn't done all that work on my depression, because i hate this desire to end it all the more from the fact that i don't really want to die any more. That's the saddest part, once i finally want to live, that same life becomes untenable. It's just cruel.
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#13
life has a bad habit of being the biggest bitch on the planet. i hope you do keep fighting and I hope you feel some relief as soon as possible... and maybe in that moment, you will realize life is tenable.

i don't think people realize how hard the battle against both mental and physical illness is. especially as they are usually inextricably linked. its exhausting, defeating, overwhelming and feels sadistic.

sorry.. i'm a little recluse and not sure what ECT is, but I have said I'd find a way to get morphine during my worst moments of pain.. so i think i feel you.
 

Dinolaur

Human by day, Dino by night
#20
Hi Tom
I’m so sorry you’re going through this!
I don’t personally know what you’re going through, but my dad has Crohn’s disease, so I’ve seen it first hand how devastating it can be, how much pain he gets in. He was just 30 when he finally got diagnosed, and the memory of him laying in his hospital bed, pale, and not very awake has scarred me for life.
I’m not gonna lie, it’s what originally caused me to have depression at 8y old. He almost died 3x because sepsis creeped in. His case is unusual though as they had no idea he had Crohn’s they ended up having to bring in a witch doctor because they were stumped, he diagnosed it by looking up my dads nose, in his ears, eyes and mouth, but the doctors and surgeons were like “nope” so they operated for the 6th time, investigated and found that was exactly what he had. Do you smoke? Or did you smoke and have recently given up?
Have you asked about other tummy issues like Crohn’s or colitis? These are serious bowel conditions, that need treatment, his started with diarrhoea I believe, however I’m not 100% sure on that. But when he’s in pain, he walks like an 80y old man. He’s not even 50 yet, it’s awful
 

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