the list

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kitanai, May 26, 2010.

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  1. kitanai

    kitanai Well-Known Member

    well heres a list of everything thats got me down my depression started at a very early age i met my father at the age of 5 he was a alcoholic who left my mom cause she was pregnant with me he hit me and threatened my mom not to leave him with a shotgun pointed in her face we ditched him the next day my mom has not had it easy she was rapped like so many out there she walked in on her husband molesting her daughter me and my brother witnessed a man trying to kill my mom over beer money her bf at the time when we carnied are way from MI to FL starving at times and sleeping in a u haul truck funny story some one stole the truck with everything we owned they couldnt get in it crashed it in a ditch but since we didnt get insurance on the truck the uhaul company auctioned everything we owned then said we still owe 600$ lol i had 1000s in comics alone in there but they took everything cloths furniture everything TG its against the law to dispose pics my mom is 65 so she had a lifetime of pictures tg4t
     
  2. Wuwei

    Wuwei Member

    My god you've had such a hard life :hug: How is your mom now? How are you?
     
  3. kitanai

    kitanai Well-Known Member

    lol oooo im just getting started my ps3 only lets me post so much before cutting me off lol taboo word for here. anyways ive noticed that my enjoyment for my depression increases so it would seem yes it seems i like it this way if i didnt i think i would have already changed
     
  4. kitanai

    kitanai Well-Known Member

    in fact im atracted to depression ive had so many sucidle friends sucidle gf's one that died none sucidle reasons
    another friend of mine who after another night of heavy intoxication decided at 16 to run in the street at cars well..... luckly me & another friend saved his life that night putting all 3 of us in alot of close calls so dont get me wrong i love life but i have a dual personality lol you know you gotta worrie about this one a happy sucidle? i recently excepted what i am yet fine with that . thats right im nutz i enjoy the sadness and except it when it plagues me . now if i could stop the crying and the cutting id be set
     
  5. kitanai

    kitanai Well-Known Member

    scratch that i like the crying what i dont like is when i mentally attack myself i keep myself in a state of pure stress everyday but every now then i flip attacking myself to the point i break down cry owell nothing new for me i have all the classic symptoms and then some
     
  6. kitanai

    kitanai Well-Known Member

    well lets cut to the chase .lol. i have been like this since i was young few things hit me hard i became a zombie in school there was a pure hate there i even slept threw p.e i already hated myself and those around me at 12 the years pass and i try again later in life only to be kicked down again when my g,f was rapped that screwed me up good then again l8r in life destroyed my only carrer and dream i had when i repeatedly injured my knee so no sports my lifes been plagued with drugs ive tryed everything except alot of kind pills but thats due me having bad ......cant spell .....halucanations from riddlen lol twice once as a child for add and 2nd time for drug abuse worst and only bad trip i got its no wounder i fear being medicated it was so horrible
     
  7. kitanai

    kitanai Well-Known Member

    i first started destroying what i own and just throwing away stuff i destroyed about 7 g last year after having to kick my recent ex out it hurts alot to lose the only person to be with me for more then 6 months we lasted 6years sigh before her though i used to burn memories setting pics on fire threw away everything for addiction it consumes me what keeps me locked down i dream of change a better me but its not my reality i gave up and i like it this way just waiting to die guess its a good thing i cant kill myself because im scared what scares me is if i lose it ill do it in a fit of rage
     
  8. kitanai

    kitanai Well-Known Member

    as i stated in someone eles topic ive worked over 300kinda jobs alot of temp work had alot of kiddy jobs fast foo alot of costruction what im getting at is i always quit everything in the long run lost a few to depression ....then women im no player i been with 25 in my 31 years lol i like to say ive had every flavor of ice cream but i became sexually unstable after breaking up with my gf at age 17 1st love before her was the gf who was rapped between those 2 i ended up staying alone for 7 years then i freaked trying to find the one i go threw 5 and catch a std
     
  9. kitanai

    kitanai Well-Known Member

    so i have nothing to look forwerd to i see love as a joke something everyone cherish but rarely do 2 ppl value it properly on top of that i lack the ability to be anyones lover so i give up sorry if this is concerned spaming idk im just venting in hopes of moving on
     
  10. Infinite Sadness

    Infinite Sadness Well-Known Member

    Hey there..
    I can totally relate to that..I attack myself mentally all of the time. I am so used to doing it I don't even realise I am doing it now. :hug:
    I also create stress in my life if there is none because I don't know what to do with myself when things are going "normally". It feels weird and freaks me out.
     
  11. kitanai

    kitanai Well-Known Member

    makes me wonder if im making up reasons to be depressed i think i like being emo & sad all the time maybe its my safety zone :Jehuty:
     
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