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The loneliest christmas ever

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by rocknrollsuicide, Dec 27, 2015.

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  1. rocknrollsuicide

    rocknrollsuicide Well-Known Member

    I was on my own over the xmas period and physically sick too above all things.
    I was supposed to visit my parents who live in another country but physically I could not make it so I had to cancel my flight. My sister on the other hand went to visit our parents, living me on my own, and her husband left me as well to go and spend the xmas holiday at a pseudo-religious sect he is a proud member of.
    He is an idiot and I cannot stand him. He did hurt me a few months ago, betraying my trust by deeply insulting me.

    Frankly I would love to disappear from the face of the Earth. I have been sick for months with what I thought was a flu and chest infection but there's more to it. Every day I feel dizzy, feverish, got prescribed antibiotics but as soon as the course finishes I feel worse. Maybe is lung cancer. No it's not apparently. I don't know, doctors are pretty much useless, all the ones I saw.

    Loneliness can kill. I feel dead already.

    My sister upon coming back told me that she had invited a guest early Jan for a few days, something she is aware I dislike yet she did it behind my back despite my request not to invite this certain person. I yelled at her.
    We live together, me her and her stupid husband.

    I feel suffocating, I don't have my freedom like I used to. My mum was very happy a year ago when she heard from my sister we were going to live together, without thinking about my happiness, what I want.
    They never do. The family I come from is a family of people who pretend to care on words but in fact they are useless and don't give a shit. Never supportive, never good listeners... EVER in my entire miserable stupid useless life.

    I have had once again suicide thoughts, thinking of the least possible painful method without clear answers but to vent here in the meantime.

    Also i have deleted all of my stupid fake friends from Facebook and deleted my profile too. Social media when you are lonely and crying for help is everything but helpful.

    I don't have real friends in real life mostly because I don't believe in friendship anymore like I used to, people always turn out to be a huge disappointment, hurting you one way or another. Starting from family members.

    I want out of this for good.
    I am in pain and no one who can help.

  2. Renegade

    Renegade Well-Known Member

    Holy shit dude, you sound just like me.

    I have deleted almost all my facebook friend, i only have 3 friends on my world of warcraft friend list despite having played 11 years and i stopped using skype entirely because no one gives a damn. I feel people are just fake all the time and no one cares about anything and what they say means nothing ever. It pisses me off so much, all my life i sought for anyone with anything to say and mean them and realized i really had no friend and never had any. Now ive been sick for 3 years and everyone gave up on me, Life is a bitch it really is.

    regarding your flu stuff, you might wanna look into lyme disease or Epstein barr or w/e. You definitively might have caught a virus and should take care of this as you dont wanna end up like me. I've so sick now that im giving myself 3 more months to go before I kill myself. I tried almost everything and I have no money to afford any medical care and doctors are useless ANYWAY. They think its all anxiety and in my head when its really not.
  3. rocknrollsuicide

    rocknrollsuicide Well-Known Member

    thank you Renegade. Yes people are just fake, they don't give a damn.

    Doctors are disgustingly useless, certainly all the ones I have met about whatever is it that I had and still having.
    Lyme disease I have checked i have no sign on my skin.
    Epstein Barr one nah definitely not.
    What is the w/e you have mentioned?
  4. Renegade

    Renegade Well-Known Member

    When i say w/e i mean to look at any illness possibility. I would not rule out lyme, i was just like you, i thought "there is NO way i have lyme" because my illness started with severe intestinal pain and chronic fatigue and progressively became severally neurological. I have NONE of the skin things, my skin is like the ONLY thing working right. Many lyme people dont get the skin problem and thats why many dont suspect lyme, there are many forms of it because it isnt just one type of bacteria and some tick have multiple co-infections, so you almost never have just lyme with a typical skin rash, it can mimic just anything and unfortunately the standard test arent reliable, you need to do it was igenex labs or western blot and still a negative results doesn't mean you dont have it.

    I have been at this illness crap and "health field" for almost 3 years spending all my energy and i still cant aint getting anywhere and got bad SO fast its scary. So believe me, this thing is incredibly frustrating and exhausting on its own and thats not to consider the illness in itself. It may not be lyme but in any case ther is usuallty something else going on like heavy burden on your body (heavy metal, pesticides, mold, allergy or any toxic exposure etc)... and dude if you think "there no way i have heavy metal because i dont do this or that, dude trust me, its EVERYWHERE. And to make matter worse, even if you were not exposed recently, that stuff get passed to you from your mom if she had amalgams, sea food and EVERY food contain heavy metal in trace amount but these things build up over time and your body doesnt get rid of them easily. To make matter worse, most of us have genetic mutation that affect our ability to detoxify and then we have improper nutrition.

    If you think your diet is good, think again and think again and again. I was health conscious my entire life, trying to get the best diet and that was before I even became to get sick, when i got sick, it was gut problem so every food came me symptom so i went even crazier about diet then my worst nightmares. I've been literally analyzing all freaking vitamins, minerals, and all those nutrients in every single piece of food i was eating to see what cause what because i have like 1000 different gut problems and all food react differently. And even after all this insanity, i still havent fixed my health, although my gut can be a lot better if i stick to the easiest to digest food that cause the least amount of problem but nothing i do is helping my nervous system which feels like my entire body has the worst case of parkinson ever.

    If you have any question, ill be glad to answer them for you, if i can help one person to go through less of a mess then i did then perhaps my 3 year so suffering will not be so in vain and can benefit 1 person before i have to kill myself. My biggest hatred is to have suffered so much for no reason.
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