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The Long and Winding Road

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#1
I am not sure I should post this, but it's been on my mind a lot lately because of the recent end of a relationship which has triggered a lot of past memories. I think I'm attempting to make connections to my past and present to see how I got here (emotionally).

A very long time ago, when I was in my early 20s, I was assaulted by two men who were friends of mine. Not close friends. Just two guys I knew. I'm not sure it was rape but I was very drunk, and one guy held me down while the other one inserted his fingers in me. I said No and Stop several times.

Afterwards, these two guys would come into my work to say "hello," but I think they were just checking in to see if I'd snitched or was going to tell. I'd smile, say hello, go into the backroom and cry.

I only have told a couple of people about this. I was told that I "deserved it" by my then-boyfriend because I was drunk and with two men alone. Years later, someone else in group therapy told me to "get over it" because it happened so long ago (I'm in my late 40s now).

I find myself sometimes getting involved with bad guys. Or I let them step all over me at any rate. I honestly don't think a lot about that night, but sometimes it comes to me and I wonder if it's led me down certain paths. When the "Me Too" movement came I was very close to putting it all out there, but my experience has been that I should just move on. To some degree I think I have, but I'm not sure I am totally past this moment.

The reason this recent breakup has me thinking about that incident is because of the emotional trauma, and that I risked a lot to be with him, and he just moved on. That I trusted him, and loved him and for a time, he was my closest friend but he lied about a lot of things and I'm wondering if I'm just easy prey.

Is anyone else dealing with the long term effects of something like this? Have you done anything to help you move forward?
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#2
Hi, @A_J_R : first!

1.) NO. It was not your fault that that happened to you by those two guys. I don't care WHAT the circumstances were. They are COMPLETELY At Fault, here--& I just don't even know what else to say, on it, to be perfectly honest with you (because I can't possibly put myself in their, "shoes?"). . .

2.) FORGET EVERY-THING All of these (others) / 'People,' have said, or been telling you! (they're all lies that have been filling up your head). And most certainly up to, & doing - No Good. I don't know why they said that--or those things (maybe it made them feel uncomfotable & so they felt it necessary to defuse this ridicululous unsettling/disturbing emotion, or feeling by casting the blame onto you; because it seemed easiest, or best to them, at that or the - "time," & in that given moment). Heck of a way to get rid of, or eliminate that (by giving it back to you, to take & carry with you for, or until the end of time as you head out the door. Just remember in these "group sessions," presumably none of them, or a vast a majority ARE NOT Professionals; & so their opinions, insights, & analysis are all worthless as the salt in which their worth, in any given instance. Which in this one: equals (credibility-wise, now!) Zero. . .

3.) No clue what the BF was smoking ~*~ but pretty clearly; it is a "Good-Thing," A VERY GOOD THING, Indeed! (that he is no longer your Current 'bf!')_ . . .^~*/> ? ? (Again- I can't wrap my mind around that kind of non-sensical / absurd logic!) ....

I do think there is something to falling into the trap of playing things a certain way where you can be taken advantage of by certain other types of people. Whether or not they be predators, in the official or classic sense, let's just say bad people. Or people with bad intentions (for wanting to use you in this fashion for their best interests, with little to no concern or care for your own).

I feel that the emotional trauma of this most recent break-up is significant. In some ways, just as significant as those that came before, or if we're not interested in making comparisions--because it is ever so difficult to quantify. . . Then suffice it to say, that it is all cumulative. In particular when the past traumas have not been dealt with, or addressed. If you can find some way to work through some of these issues, that are circulating and swimming around in your head, from the last fella~ -then I really do think there is a chance to rid yourself of some, if not most or all of this current pain. Who's/whose weight is (so) GREAT- Perhaps the guy was getting something of an emotional high, or spiritual uplifting enlightenment. (from your interactions) _And then when things got to real, or whatever, perhaps it also just ran it's course... He lost interest; because to him, it was something of a 'fantasy,' which when it became to close to a 'reality.' He decided to check out. The fact of the matter is, only he knows for sure, and if it were me, while I would spend a great deal of time worrying & wondering about the "WHY'S?!?" (In reality, & in the end!) none-of-that-really-matters. All that matters, is this: That, he (or She) left me. . .

Hopefully, this makes some sense! : ) And I wish you well, as always A_J_R
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#3
To be clear: I was not trying, or attempting to equate the effects, or lasting damaging impacts or results, of this emotional affair; or whatever kind of close kinship/shared-connection &/or relationship, with rape-
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#4
To be clear: I was not trying, or attempting to equate the effects, or lasting damaging impacts or results, of this emotional affair; or whatever kind of close kinship/shared-connection &/or relationship, with rape-
Thank you for all of this. First of all, I did not get the impression you were equating this older assault with a breakup from a guy. And I hope it didn't sound like I was conflating them either. It's more me wondering if that old incident left me open for men with more selfish intentions to find me in the crowd? But to be clear, while I think I was traumatized by the end of everything with this person, I don't think he "assaulted" me. Used me? Maybe, but it was more that he was selfish and less that he was purposely trying to hurt anyone. I don't know though... ask me tomorrow and maybe I'll think I hate him, and not feel so understanding about everything.

In the end, I'm not sure it will give me the answers I need (the WHY did it end you mentioned), but maybe if I can find some kind of closure SOMEWHERE I can start to rebuild. I constantly find myself grasping at straws, hoping for some understanding of how it got to this point. The point where it's all I think about. It's really bad circular thinking.

Thank you so much for listening, and with such an open heart. I am slightly embarrassed to be posting things that are so personal, but there's honestly nowhere left for me to go.
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#5
Thank you for all of this. First of all, I did not get the impression you were equating this older assault with a breakup from a guy. And I hope it didn't sound like I was conflating them either. It's more me wondering if that old incident left me open for men with more selfish intentions to find me in the crowd? But to be clear, while I think I was traumatized by the end of everything with this person, I don't think he "assaulted" me. Used me? Maybe, but it was more that he was selfish and less that he was purposely trying to hurt anyone. I don't know though... ask me tomorrow and maybe I'll think I hate him, and not feel so understanding about everything.

In the end, I'm not sure it will give me the answers I need (the WHY did it end you mentioned), but maybe if I can find some kind of closure SOMEWHERE I can start to rebuild. I constantly find myself grasping at straws, hoping for some understanding of how it got to this point. The point where it's all I think about. It's really bad circular thinking.

Thank you so much for listening, and with such an open heart. I am slightly embarrassed to be posting things that are so personal, but there's honestly nowhere left for me to go.
Hi @A_J_R -I have to apologize, these days, with the state of things for me: not only, "cognitively-speaking" (in especial from a function, or functionality-standpoint); as well as a few other things, it can be extremely difficult for me to set thoughts to pen (or in this case, screen). let alone--say anything of getting them to come out as cogent, or coherent! And so, i very often find it hard to go back & fix things, so to speak, as a normal person would normally do...

What I meant, i think you've perfectly well right & nailed on th ehead- there! So, sometimes, as was this case here, I get a little lost in the words, and then the sentences themselves, and so that's what that was about (& not anything you'd said). I just didn't want it to come across as though there wasn't this great distinction their in between the behaviors --obvioulsy, with one being "Criminal!" I believe what I'd initially intended to stress, or get across, from a point-making exercise, was that they both could leave a lasting impact on your emotional and overall health (even if different, or by the different circumstances). So, the or this "significance," I'd spoke or spoken of; was just that- if that makes sense? Each can leave an impression that is very unfavorable to you. And also, now when you consider the primacy & recency of the two incidences. As well as their unresolved natures, as you say "closure." There is that to take into consideration, as well, I feel. . .

Now, I forget, did you ever ask him, or did he ever give you any specific, concrete reason as to why he terminated this relationship? I suppose he was vague, figuring he didn't want to hurt your feelings, or- who knows... quite frankly? Only he! Which is why, you could ask him, specifically or point-blank. Unless he's gone completely dark, as in "ghosted!" Which would suggest more of a self-defense mechanism on his behalf, and perhaps his perceived misbehavior. And not necessarily anything that you did, or most certainly deserved. But if you just let him know, maybe, that if he could offer you some sort of explanation--& it doesn't even have to be that detailed. . . (that) it would do justice to , or go a long way in putting at ease your aching heart. Maybe he'd show you some compassion, or mercy. But then again, maybe not?

Regardless, hope you can put this to rest, somehow, one way or the other & get out of the - or this - "circular thought pattern/or, thinking!" That's definitely no fun, and a detriment to your health. No matter how you view it. Take care, mr. b~ :)
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#6
It is also entirely possible that he just got caught up in this wave, that you were both riding, and then even though he knew it ultimately would not be a good thing (for him/& subsequently- or consequently, 'You!') it may have been a case, where it was just so darn thrilling, and exciting - etc., etc. That he was unable to control himself, or put a stop to it in a more reasonable and timely fashion. And so then what ended up happening in the end, is that it (or you) both wound up crashing into the shoreline, or sandy-beach? So, he was "out-of-control." Powerless to do anything in the absence of reasoned or rational thought --given how much fun, or the blast & daring time that you were providing him. Maybe all or everything that he was lacking in his current Marriage, or relationship? Though I know it is no small consolation: however I would consider myself fortunate if I were you. Only insofar as - you were able to be so captivating, and dazzling, and possess such, "charisma~!" to keep this guy (so) entertained. I don't think you know, or maybe perhaps even realize how rare a quality that this is (in a human). It's the sort of thing that great movie directors are constantly in search of in their actors/& actresses; that is, "the magic~." I've even heard one or two say that the personal qualities that one brings to given role, are just as important as, if not more so - than their actual 'acting talent!' Now, let that sink in. . : ) I have, over time, and it still amazes me --to this day! Anyway, rest easy. . & I'll see you later.
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#8
Thank you both for your support and understanding. I don't normally tell people about this incident, so it feels good to have someone empathize instead of blame me. I guess those experiences made me hold everything close to the vest, and I'm not sure that was the right thing to do. Thank you again.
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#9
And thank you @MisterBGone for reframing some of these thoughts for me (saying that I was someone who made an impression on this person). I'm not sure if that's the case, or if I just was what he needed in the moment, but it's nice to think maybe that was a scenario that could have happened. He did try to give me closure a few months ago, when out of the blue he sent me an email with a sorry attempt at trying to explain some of his behavior. The big problem is that I've stalked him very intensely and know the truth about his marriage, who she is (where she works, etc.), who is girlfriend was, where she lives and I know a bit about a couple of other women I know he's interested in. So I know when he's lying, and he lied about some stuff to save face. It was gross.

One of the most painful things about the breakup was that he said I lived too far (being in a different country) and so it could never go any further than it had. Then he slept with a woman who lives 10 miles away from my house. They were both at a conference together. He told me about it, but then said it happened "a long time ago," not knowing I knew she'd be in the same place as him. It hurt so deeply. I mean, it's like the worst pain I'd ever felt. And that he sort of tried to relive the memory with me was disgusting. And it broke my heart. I confronted him, and he couldn't believe I knew anything about this woman. Then he and I decided to cut off the friendship. Some months later, I got that email I mentioned. Said he was sorry, but didn't say why and never once addressed that I lived so close to this woman and he had told me I lived too far. I knew he was lying then about everything. It only made the "closure" thing worse. There's no closure if you lie and avoid the thing that killed the other person.

And I still love him. I love him. I love him. It's so complicated and hard.

Anyway, sorry. This has been a really trying week for me. I'm hoping it passes soon. Thanks again for listening.
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#10
And thank you @MisterBGone for reframing some of these thoughts for me (saying that I was someone who made an impression on this person). I'm not sure if that's the case, or if I just was what he needed in the moment, but it's nice to think maybe that was a scenario that could have happened. He did try to give me closure a few months ago, when out of the blue he sent me an email with a sorry attempt at trying to explain some of his behavior. The big problem is that I've stalked him very intensely and know the truth about his marriage, who she is (where she works, etc.), who is girlfriend was, where she lives and I know a bit about a couple of other women I know he's interested in. So I know when he's lying, and he lied about some stuff to save face. It was gross.

One of the most painful things about the breakup was that he said I lived too far (being in a different country) and so it could never go any further than it had. Then he slept with a woman who lives 10 miles away from my house. They were both at a conference together. He told me about it, but then said it happened "a long time ago," not knowing I knew she'd be in the same place as him. It hurt so deeply. I mean, it's like the worst pain I'd ever felt. And that he sort of tried to relive the memory with me was disgusting. And it broke my heart. I confronted him, and he couldn't believe I knew anything about this woman. Then he and I decided to cut off the friendship. Some months later, I got that email I mentioned. Said he was sorry, but didn't say why and never once addressed that I lived so close to this woman and he had told me I lived too far. I knew he was lying then about everything. It only made the "closure" thing worse. There's no closure if you lie and avoid the thing that killed the other person.

And I still love him. I love him. I love him. It's so complicated and hard.

Anyway, sorry. This has been a really trying week for me. I'm hoping it passes soon. Thanks again for listening.
No worries, A_J_R! I just wish, you didn't have to go through this incredibly horrid & heart-wrenchingly painful ordeal. It sounds like a never-ending, "Hell!" (for Now...) And that is the key--I think? Is that, it will one day, begin to get eventually. . . Just a little bit better. It's going to take some time, I think, as you say. . . (to 'heal'~ & Etc.!) but, hopefully you'll be able to look back at this in the future & just feel fortunate that things did not turn out the way you would have maybe perhaps wished, or desired. Knowing (now) what you now know - (All) about him. Ask your-self, if he were to contact you to-morrow; & say will you give everything up, & I'll do the same and let's just go run away to-gether & et cetera, et cetera... How can you envision an honest scenario where this (scene, shall we say? Or is it more like a "movie," given that it sounds/or seems somewhat more of a fantasy?) does not end badly! I can't see how it could end well, one way or the other, just based on half of the things you've written here - in terms of his character / his morals & things like this: or that- I know it's hard. You had a dream. Sort of. . . And he did his part (played?) to fulfill that wish. Or yearning for something more--but as you said earlier, "It was all a lie." And so maybe, in some strange way, part of this was an escape from the reality of whatever it is that your'e unhappy about, or avoiding with your current marriage and relattionship. Having never been in any, or no such close thing (a long term committed one, etc.) I couldn't comment from persoanl experience, mind you. But from what I've heard of others' say, it can and does in fact happen quite more rather commonly than you might imagine. That you fall either out of love, with your partner, or out of favor. Or sometimes both. But I don't know what the solution therre is - if ther e isn't a true desire to try & make tings work, or get/be "better," between & amongst the two of you? . . . Maybe you don't even know, for sure? How is the communication? in this regard, and in general? is there a lot of the silent treatment, at this stage or phase --or is it more of the all too common-- fallen victim or prey to settling into the same old mundane routine, and now there is no spark or excitement left. Nothing unpredictable (in a good way) ever happens. Each day just as the next kind of thing? ... I can see how taht would be eventually in the end--or after awhile; incredibly boring & lame. And so maybe that is (just) one reason people do stray from time to time in their otherwise committed marriages & relationships. A searching for the element of if not danger, than surprise which yields a similar feeling to that which may hvae initially caught your eye with your now current significant other, once upon a time (ago!)? ;/ but I don't konw - I am really ramgbling here & beyond, perhaps, or so it seems - "grashping at straws!" because I haven't the experience, or the expertise to guide you into more familiar territory and give you any direction in the pointing off to a pasteur which will be for certain, "greener!" Just right up & around the bend~ ; ) it does seem you need some help processing this grief, or emotion, with respect to the "lack of closure," which is now so ever present in your day (& likely night). For along with all your other troubles, or physical ailments, this mental one, or condition can only serve to hamper the rest of, or everything else... When it comes to your (more) full-blown recovery: in terms of overall health, and well-being. Try & take good care of yourself, okay? Have a good day! :)
 

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