I am not sure I should post this, but it's been on my mind a lot lately because of the recent end of a relationship which has triggered a lot of past memories. I think I'm attempting to make connections to my past and present to see how I got here (emotionally).
A very long time ago, when I was in my early 20s, I was assaulted by two men who were friends of mine. Not close friends. Just two guys I knew. I'm not sure it was rape but I was very drunk, and one guy held me down while the other one inserted his fingers in me. I said No and Stop several times.
Afterwards, these two guys would come into my work to say "hello," but I think they were just checking in to see if I'd snitched or was going to tell. I'd smile, say hello, go into the backroom and cry.
I only have told a couple of people about this. I was told that I "deserved it" by my then-boyfriend because I was drunk and with two men alone. Years later, someone else in group therapy told me to "get over it" because it happened so long ago (I'm in my late 40s now).
I find myself sometimes getting involved with bad guys. Or I let them step all over me at any rate. I honestly don't think a lot about that night, but sometimes it comes to me and I wonder if it's led me down certain paths. When the "Me Too" movement came I was very close to putting it all out there, but my experience has been that I should just move on. To some degree I think I have, but I'm not sure I am totally past this moment.
The reason this recent breakup has me thinking about that incident is because of the emotional trauma, and that I risked a lot to be with him, and he just moved on. That I trusted him, and loved him and for a time, he was my closest friend but he lied about a lot of things and I'm wondering if I'm just easy prey.
Is anyone else dealing with the long term effects of something like this? Have you done anything to help you move forward?
A very long time ago, when I was in my early 20s, I was assaulted by two men who were friends of mine. Not close friends. Just two guys I knew. I'm not sure it was rape but I was very drunk, and one guy held me down while the other one inserted his fingers in me. I said No and Stop several times.
Afterwards, these two guys would come into my work to say "hello," but I think they were just checking in to see if I'd snitched or was going to tell. I'd smile, say hello, go into the backroom and cry.
I only have told a couple of people about this. I was told that I "deserved it" by my then-boyfriend because I was drunk and with two men alone. Years later, someone else in group therapy told me to "get over it" because it happened so long ago (I'm in my late 40s now).
I find myself sometimes getting involved with bad guys. Or I let them step all over me at any rate. I honestly don't think a lot about that night, but sometimes it comes to me and I wonder if it's led me down certain paths. When the "Me Too" movement came I was very close to putting it all out there, but my experience has been that I should just move on. To some degree I think I have, but I'm not sure I am totally past this moment.
The reason this recent breakup has me thinking about that incident is because of the emotional trauma, and that I risked a lot to be with him, and he just moved on. That I trusted him, and loved him and for a time, he was my closest friend but he lied about a lot of things and I'm wondering if I'm just easy prey.
Is anyone else dealing with the long term effects of something like this? Have you done anything to help you move forward?