The Looks

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by prncsusako, Jan 22, 2010.

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  1. prncsusako

    prncsusako Member

    A friend of mine which I remain angry at and have yet to reconcile these volatile emotions...basically told staffers on a game about my suicidal thoughts. He brought our out-of-game private conversation to in-game.

    Not only am I angry at this breech of privacy but now these staffers that I barely know (some of whom I may have met IRL once or twice) now will see me as that suicidal girl.

    It's really tearing me up. There's NO WAY to reverse the damage he made. He had no right to bring our out-of-game conversation into the game. That was my escape. A place where I knew people could judge me by other things and not this "suicidal" part.

    Now I'm not sure what to do. I like the game but staff now has me marked. That means I'm likely not to excel in things b/c they'd think oh she's that suicidal girl so we cannot grant her those exceptions UNLIKE the rest of the game. It's like being prevented, being blocked, pushed down and it hurts badly.

    I try my best to avoid letting others see this part of myself solely b/c I don't want those looks. They already see me as the weirdo b/c I like science fiction and fantasy. That I have a wide variety of interests which aren't on the normal TV teen-adult rictor scale.

    I don't know what to do. I feel even more allienated. I haven't logged into the game since the incident to talk to others. I fear talking to people out of character. They may snidely go oh there's that suidical girl. Better not get close. Best not make real friendships with her.

    I don't have much in terms of enjoyment. This eliminates it entirely. :/
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    It's your word against his. Go back to your game and have fun.

    You have this forum to talk about feeling suicidal. You don't have to say anything to them.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    It is so difficult when a friend violates your trust, no matter where it is...and takes away your comfort...can you talk to the staff and see if the effects can be lessened? Hoping things work out, and know you are very welcome here...big hugs, J
  4. prncsusako

    prncsusako Member

    Effects cannot be lessened. Once it's in a person's mind, it sticks. And all I can think of is any attempts to gain more in the game will be denied b/c oh she's that suicidal-depressive girl.

    Once it's said, it never goes away. There's no working around it. Staff knows I was depressed around the holidays. I refused to tell them I am still depressed or how deep b/c it's none of their business.

    I like the game to get away from people in life who alienate me. But now the game lacks my temporary escape.

    And now I am spending the weekend alone. I have no friends. Nobody to talk to. The game gave me a little fantasy of being able to talk to others freely as though I could be included in everyday conversation. IRL? Doesn't happen. I'm the weird one.

    Heck my own family cannot help me emotionally. My father is very clueless. I cried out to him about a frustration of mine and all he could say was - I don't know. No emotional support of I'm sorry or I'll look around. Just I don't know and walk away to spend time with his girlfriend. My brother goes off to his friends all the time. I'm somewhat new to the area -- I moved back after my divorce but had no friends here. My attempts at building new ones fail.

    I'm far too different. I don't understand people. And I am constantly rejected.

    It hurts. I'm far more shaky than normal. Crying all the time and wishing to sleep so I can numb the pain a while longer. This "betrayal" of sorts wounds me even deeper. And I don't think that person will understand why either.

    I just don't know what to do anymore. Doctors do not help. Family doesn't. I have no friends. It's just me. And if I don't know. What else is possible?
  5. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    How about playing a different game? Or, take comfort in the knowledge that you aren't so important that they'll all remember it (no offense). It will probably just blow over.
  6. prncsusako

    prncsusako Member

    It's not as simple as find another MMO. It's a very active text-based MU*. Very few exist which are long-lasting or any good.

    Some staffers have met me IRL. My hope was to make future friendships in time b/c we had a good time at the conventions. But what my friend did is like that warning bell in the back of people's heads.

    I do not like it.
  7. prncsusako

    prncsusako Member

    Been talking to the friend and managed to get him to more listen to the emotional hurt than to spew logic at me. Might be on the way to mending.

    Relieves me a little more from the pain I'm sitting in atm. Been keeping suicide hotline numbers near my phone in case I break down. I nearly did call tonight.
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