I’m a little irritated with my family members for the moment, namely my sister and my mother. And, of course, almost everyone else I know. And yet, I digress. My sister started going to college this year. She’s only a semester in, and it feels like she’s become a completely different person. We were close- close enough to call each other best friends and mean it. But now? I feel like I don’t even know her anymore. Every time she comes home she’s a different person. She used to have goals, ambitions, and self-respect. But now she’s screwing up her entire future for some stupid guy (AKA her boyfriend). She was really set on being an interior designer, and was totally against the idea of becoming a teacher. Now, because her boyfriend is studying music (and will probably end up being a band director), she’s kicking around the idea of just becoming an art teacher. Not only that, but she’s staying over at his house all the time, doing who knows what, and acting really irresponsibly (like letting her phone die and not calling when she was supposed to, while she kept her phone one all the time so she could text her boyfriend while she was back home). But it’s not just that. I told her about these suicidal feelings that I’ve been having. She was the first person I told. But when I read it to her (it was like a diary entry type thing), she started to critique the writing and picking out spelling mistakes, and then said that I was ‘overreacting’, and then started texting her boyfriend. I guess I don’t know what I was expecting from her. Comfort, maybe? I don’t know. But that certainly didn’t make me feel any better about telling anyone else. Nor is my mother. I’ve considered telling her about the suicidal stuff, but some shit she’s said recently has really made me change my mind. She had a really bad childhood (read: mortifying, traumatizing, really, really bad), so of course she thinks that my life is some sort of cakewalk. She said it exactly like that, too. That we kids have nothing to complain about, that I have nothing to be angry about, nothing to be depressed about. This only makes me feel worse, because I know that she’s probably right. But still. I want support from her. And I think that she’s trying to pretend or make herself believe that everything’s fine with me. Because she knows I go to the Suicide Forum, she jokingly asked if I was a cutter when she saw the cut in my leg (and my reaction was less than joking back), and I started getting really weird (read: emotional) when we were watching something on TV about suicide (she asked me what I thought about suicide, because I ‘read all that suicide stuff on the internet’). Then on the TV program, I matched up with most of the signs of a suicidal person, which she did comment on, then laughed about like it was funny or something. I guess the common vein is that these are the most important women in my life; the women I looked up to and respected. The women I felt really close to, until recently. Now I feel like I don’t even know them. That they don’t even know me, and they don’t care to. I know my mother is perfectly content with taking me for surface level (she always has), but I thought my sister had a deeper understanding of me (turns out she didn’t). But, in the end, where does that leave me? Alone, I guess. I don’t really know. And I guess that’s the main theme of my life at the moment: I just don’t know.