The lowest I have ever been

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Waster, Mar 26, 2012.

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  1. Waster

    Waster Member

    I have an appointment to see a therapist/psychologist in April and if nothing improves, I'll be gone.

    I don't know what to say, I have so many problems.
    2-3 years ago, I started getting into drugs and I think it's a huge contributor to my ''ruined life'
    I'm a school drop-out.

    I never sleep at night.
    I have anger and jealousy problems.
    I have low self-esteem. I hate my appearance.

    All my friends do drugs, and all they want to do is do drugs. I need to leave this country/life
    Since I gave drugs up, I've noticed how they've basically stopped texting me or caring about me. Nice 'friends'.

    I basically destroy everything I love.

    I haven't talked to my divorced father or his side of the family in months.
    I beat the shit out of him because he hurt my feelings, by telling me the truth: I'm pathetic, and a failure.

    2 months ago I broke up with the most beautiful, amazing person I could ever ask for. We were together for nearly 26 months.
    She was the only good thing in my life.
    My anger, low self-esteem and jealousy destroyed us and I fucking hate myself. I broke up with her because I couldn't put her through it anymore.
    I was paranoid, hurtful. etc.

    I know I'll never get anybody like her. I have no confidence, no ambition to go near another girl. Ever.

    I think about her all the time, I'm sick of crying.
    I seen her yesterday for the first time in 2 months, she looked fucking amazing, as she always does.
    We walked past each other like we didn't know each other. It's so sad but I can't be friends with her :(
    I got physically sick a bit further up the road after.

    I'm a failure wasting my life away.
    If I rarely get more then 4+ hours of sleep, I just stay in bed. Feeling suicidal and crying.

    I'm never happy, ever.
  2. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    The thing about drugs is that they do ruin lives, though one does not think so while they are taking them. And not only the user's life, but that of their family who have to live and watch their mother, father, son or daughter fall further and further into drugs to the point their next hit is all they live for; as well as the victims of crime who end up getting their houses, cars, boats (it happens) ransacked and all of their private and prized personal items nicked to support some low-life's drug habit (this happened recently to a friend of mine.) And let us not forget those innocents who end up being killed in 'accidental' car crashes because some yobbo who decided to shoot him/herself up decided that they were 'perfectly fine' to drive home.

    So, which just those few observations about drugs, I am relieved that you have come to your senses and decided to quit them while you were still ahead!
    As for your 'friends' who you always took the drugs with and still live only for them, well, what should they matter to you anymore, since you have chosen a healthier and longer way to live than they? If they were only your friends because of the drugs involved, then put your middle finger up and wave them a hearty goodbye. ^^

    As for the relationship with your father, do not see yourself through his eyes or his words, but through your own and that of your actions. You cannot do anything in life is you let someone else to live it for you.

    Grieve for your failed relationship and those good times you had today, but do not let it over run your life. It might be over, but remember what you broke with her for: to give her a chance at a happy and well life, away from emotional torment and pain. Use that thought whenever you remember her or see her in the street next when you see how happy and amazing she is and know that it was because of your decision to end things with her that she looks as good as she does. You might not be able to be friends with her right now, but you have started your first steps to bettering your life, away from the drugs and to make something of yourself, so it is important that you work on that more than anything and one day if you happen to bump into her again, she just might notice the dramatic change for the better in you and want to rekindle the friendship (if not the romance) you once had.

    Now, now, if you are never happy, then what of all those times hen you are watching the telly and laugh spontaneously at a joke? Or find some humour in the antics of an animal you see passing in the street? The next time you find yourself feeling suicidal and lying in bed for hours on end, try and think back to something like that and remember the feeling you had when it happened. That alone will give you a small purpose and encouragement for you to push on.

    I know that my reply might lack emotion (as most of my posts here usually do) but do not think I am cold or come off as heartless. I do really mean you all the best; it is so very difficult to convey emotions through text on a computer screen, that is not part of a book.

    Here, take a good gander at :bubbles: and see if she cheers you up, even a small bit. Good luck with all the work you have in front of you and you just need to shout for me if you ever want to talk or just to pop by to take another gander at the cute little :bubbles: ^^
  3. pppqp

    pppqp Well-Known Member

    i couldn't agree more.

    you need to see a doctor or a therapist, hun. and treatments do take time. do not give up. you're still young and can do anything with your life ahead. be motivated, be a better person, and stay strong. you can do that.

    my gentle hugs :hug:
  4. Waster

    Waster Member

    I'm lying saying that they don't care about me.
    We've been friends well before the drugs, but now it seems that it's all they really care about/do.

    This break-up has been the hardest thing that I have ever been through.

    Things at home with my mother and sister are unreal.
    I can't live in this house anymore. They gang up on me, mock me and constantly blab to their friends about my personal life.
    They constantly compare me to my father.
    I hate them.

    I don't want anything to do with my family, I want to leave and never come back.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2012
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope in time you will get treatment and stay clean and be able to move out on your own away from the poisonous environment you are in. You can start again clean and you will find another Time now is just for YOU to heal okay to get strong again h ugs
  6. Waster

    Waster Member

    I had a dream about my ex last night. I hate this so fucking much.

    I suppose I've made one step in the right way (with the drugs)
    I'm not going to run away from my problems/emotions by smoking weed.
    I can't even get drunk without thinking about her and getting upset!

    I'm pathetic.
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