The Lowest Point.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DropKick, Sep 21, 2009.

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  1. DropKick

    DropKick Active Member

    I feel like I have finally hit rock bottom. I have never before felt this close to ending it. A few days ago I had a failed attempt at killing myself. It seems I cannot even do that correctly.

    My life is so confusing and stressful.

    After my girlfriend left me 3 weeks ago and after quitting drugs 2 weeks ago, I have started having anxiety attacks, which grow worse and worse each day. They are a scary experience and the only thing I can compare it to is Over dosing on speed. My last attack was so intense that I nearly ended my life half way through it. To stop the pain.

    I love my girlfriend, and she still loves me. But she is at a point in her life where she has to pick her career or her love. She believes that if fate deems us meant to be, then we will find eachother again. But I am afraid I won't be able to get through this.

    She is getting advice from her dad, who she trusts, as to what she should do. But I know what he will say, and what he will push. And it isn't me.

    My heart is breaking. I know people say this feeling will pass, and I also believe it will. Bur I don't want it too. I just want her back. There is a lot more as to why I feel so terrible. Way to much top type.

    I am seen as the funny guy, the comedian, the wise adviser. But this mask of humor is deteriorating, and I can't keep it on any more.

    So many people come to me for advice, on every subject thinkable, and they always leave me with a smile on their face, an answer, or a plan. I have been told I have helped many many people, but any time I have ever needed help, I have no one there for me. Not one person. I hint my depression, I hint it so much, people acknowledge my mood, and either ignore it, or say a few things and leave. It's like I can help every one else but myself.

    I am getting very weary. So I will cut this message short.

    Don't ever believe that good things happen to good people. Because this is not the case. It is not an arm for an arm, or a leg for a leg. This world deals problems out unfairly.

    Do not judge a book by it's cover, because the person may look ok on the outside. But you will never know what is hidden on the inside unless you try and reach out to that person. If you think you see some one hurting, but they act normal, try and talk to them, as I wish some one had done for me.

    Please take this advice with much consideration,

    Thank you.
     
  2. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    hi dropkick

    first of all,as far as love is concerned,there is always another chance at love.another fish in the sea and time really does heal a broken heart.We never believe that until it happens though.As far as being the go to man for everyone..at least you have the sense to express your own feelings of despair...don't be afraid to need support..it is a sign of character and courage to be honest with yourself and others.
    Who knows where your relationship will go with your ex,but you gave up drugs and that is tremendous.You need help for the panic attacks..anti depressants do curb them,from my own experience.Just thought I'd let you know you seem like a great person..hope you get as much out of this forum as you deserve..and take some time for yourself...
     
  3. Robin

    Robin Guest

    The music always seems to end when the party stops and some can't stand the silence but even the most energetic and popular amongst us cannot dance forever :)

    I have terrible problems with anxiety, have had them since I was 14 and am now pushing 40 and doesn't matter how many times I have them I always manage to convince myself I am going to die very soon if not immediately.

    Breathing exercises help, a lot but I've found after 10 years of locking myself away from the world that my quality of life could have been a lot better had a pushed my fears aside just a little more and gone for a 30 minute walk every day just a little bit sooner.

    It's still not as often as I'd like but I guess we do things when we are ready to do them and not before, you've done a great thing giving up the drugs but am sure you realise that it will take time to adapt to a major life change as even if the mind is willing the body cannot change as fast, good luck :)
     
  4. DropKick

    DropKick Active Member

    I don't like to take medication to help me. My sister went on anti depressants and all they did was make her more miserable to live with.
    Thank you for the kind words though.

    I have been told to go for a walk every time I am about to have an attack, but I dont like being in public like that, it's scary.

    I don't remember anything much for the past two days. I feel horrific. My mind and well being feels so scattered.
     
  5. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    medication takes so long to become effective or to find out if it is even working,maybe your sister was on the wrong kind.As far as panic attacks I do firmly believe there is medication that helps that..but maybe not severe depression and in any case..unfortunately it takes so long to get results one way or another.Too long sadly for too many people. Hope you keep talking here..people come and go here...but some people are always here when needed and some like me try to be when when we can..when we aren't in your shoes that is.Take care.
     
  6. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Wow, giving up the drugs is a very big event to deal with. Can you go to rehab? That way you'll have others observing you and can help you when you need it. They can give you feedback too. It can be very hard to listen to feedback but it is so worth it. I discovered I was sabotaging myself and it took a while to learn how not to do that.

    Keep coming back. We all help each other here. Some days are better than others for all of us here and it's the sharing with others with the same kinds of problems that helps to get us through it.
     
  7. Datura

    Datura Well-Known Member

    Since hinting your depression to people who are not in the mental health field (most likely) isn't working, maybe you should talk about it openly with an experienced professional.
     
  8. DropKick

    DropKick Active Member

    I can barely even explain it to my self, talking to my closest friends was hard. I could not do it to a stranger. Professional or not. I do not trust any body.
     
  9. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    I do understand totally where you are coming from. I'm like you, and am always the one everyone else comes to when they have a problem, are sad, need help, etc. But when I need help, suddenly everyone seems scarce. It makes you feel betrayed, and used. And angry.

    I don't feel comfortable reveiling just how far down I am with people I know. The only person I have told is my husband, who deals with it by pretending it just isn't real.

    I think after a while we just get depleted. Too much to too many for too long. With this, and an ended relationship, and quitting the drugs, I'm not surprised you just feel overwhelmed.

    Sometimes we need to learn to be selfish ~ to care for ourselves, and put everything and everyone else on hold. No, I haven't yet accomplished this for myself, but I want to. And I hope you can too.

    Hope that makes sense?
     
  10. DropKick

    DropKick Active Member

    Yeah I understand Carekitty, I just don't want to get to that point yet, I want everything to get back to how it used to be, and hopefully I can achieve that. The single only reason I have not killed myself is because I looked my girlfriend in the eyes and told her I would never do that to her. But I am finding it too hard to handle. When I said that I didn't think i could get this depressed. I didn't know a feeling like this was possible for the human body to handle.
     
  11. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    I know what you mean. I made the same promise.

    Then you get to a point that you had no idea you could get to. You feel like your body ought to just shut down when you feel this bad, or at least get some sort of cartoon effect like smoke coming out the ears. I don't think anyone who has not been to this point, can know just how low, or how bad, you can feel.

    I'm not sure our bodies can handle it. You have to wonder what this does to the immune system, cardiovascular, etc. It can't be doing the bod a lot of good.

    So, how do we get the hand up we give to others?
     
  12. DropKick

    DropKick Active Member

    I realise the body can't take it. Not psycologically any way. I thought it was impossible to feel like this without anything happening, then I realised that the only way i have coped through it is with self harm, self pitty and a rediculous amount of drugs.

    The reason I cannot take other peoples advice is because I am so used to giving the same advice to others. And normally when I am talking one person out of suicide, I am trying to convince myself as well.

    But I notice I dont take their advice because I have been in ther position, and I know everything they say to me is bullshit. I have heard it before, said it before, It works on every one but me, because I know they are lies. When they say "You have so much to live for" I have said that to dozens of people. People who I know don't actually have that much to live for at all. But they say it to stop you from going over the edge.

    Ah ranting. Sorry.
     
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