The mask

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Andrasol, Aug 30, 2012.

  1. Andrasol

    Andrasol New Member

    Hey, this is my first post on this forum...

    i've been having alot of suicidal thoughts again lately but i don't have what it takes to do the deed...
    i try to vent my emotions through my music both guitar and drum but i can't seem to piece my thoughts into songs...
    what does work is writing down what i feel and that will be my post... i hope i'm not posting this in the wrong section...



    I think about suicide more and more often again... I know i could lead a perfectly happy life, but the road to happiness seems long an dark...
    I like to think i'm not a bad person and eventhough i try and uphold a rockhard unbreakable appearence ...i do care... and i hate myself for caring and being the coward i am.

    I'm to afraid to take actions that could change my current position...To scared to<edit method>.
    To scare to take the gamble and hope that i am the 1% that dies of a<edit method> overdose... To scared to set the first baby steps towards freedom.

    I know there are reasons to live, my friends who only yesterday proved that they love me, my girl whom i love dearly... eventhough i know that eventualy i will cheat on her...

    Just because i've created this persona... When i was still building my new self i thought i was doing self improvement... i coulden't have been more wrong.
    I created a monster that thrives on lies and deceit, a mask that i can't take of anymore.
    I don't know where it all went wrong, all the bonds i've broken, bridges i blew up.

    I see the path that lies before me but i feel like a blind man chasing phantoms made up from old and faded dreams.
    And the epicenter of my pain is my dad...or is it? Maybe it's just me, maybe i'm just a big black hole sucking up happiness untill i've drained it all and the people whom i drained cast me away. So i can once again prove to myself how unloved i am...

    This comes a quite a shock to me but... i think i now realize tat i am the problem... The moment someone loves me i start pushing and probing for their boundaries, untill they as well throw me away .
    Isen't suicide a better option then going through that pain over and over again whilst hurting the people i drag into this dark pit i call my person?

    My dad... How i used to look up to him, love him, adore him and even idolize him.
    I don't know where it went went wrong... Wheter it is he or me of both of us that changed...
    If only he knew the things i've accomplished. :(
    But he has been so focused on that other dark pit of despair they call my sister, that all he can do now is walk the roads of light she shows him.
    Like a puppeteeer guiding a puppet she controls what he does by her actions.

    It's funny to think that i am the person that gives everybody advice on what to do, hell i even play counselor or shrink for thel... But everytime i do i feel more and more shrunk. Stretched as they say. So fragile that even the slightest of problems have me scrambling for the safety of my mask...

    That damned mask... I wish i could just leave it all behind and just run. Run away and never look back. How i hate the fact that i care more for others then for myself. If not for the fact that i don't want to hurt my friends, my girl... even my dad, i woulden't still be here. And i know that shows i still have people that care about me but still... when put next to the misery,depression i feel... It all shrinks away to nothing.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 30, 2012
  2. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    one quick question? have you been diagnosed with clinical depression? You might look into it- the mood in your post, the feeling of mental and emotional exhaustion, and self hatred speaks something isnt right somewhere where it cant be fixed. we just have to find that something. I think you are letting your mind focus on the sad things the sucky things. Im not saying you are trying to be sad, trying to get attention or bullshit like that, just that you dont know how to refocus where your mind is. I think looking into yourself to see if you have depression and going to a therapist to try to find ways to look into a different window on yourself, and your life, along with helping with communications to others can go a long way.

    im again not saying that you are okay, that everything is fine, but you CAN be. You HAVE to look forward to that. It can happen. I hope that you can take the first baby steps towards the light. Its a long and testing path, but it becomes more and more apparent how much it is worth as you get farther along. I wish you the best of luck. My pm box is always open if ya need to talk to someone :hug:
     
  3. Andrasol

    Andrasol New Member

    i've never been diagnosed, yet my father has been (and was interned) and my sister is somewhere between elektra complex and bipolar insanity...

    I've had my share of psychologists and stuff starting at the age of 6 ... last time i saw one i was 16 going nowhere and was at that time leaving my mother due to physical and mental agression sprouting from her newfound love. when i saw the pshychologist then i talked for about an hour and the only thing he could say was... you could be in my seat isntead of yours... you perfectly annalized your situation and what is coming from where...

    since then i don't put much fate in those brain doctors...