The matter of living !?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by etnevel.asok, Jan 19, 2016.

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  1. etnevel.asok

    etnevel.asok Member

    Hey there ,

    Sorry for my grammar, english isn't my 1st language.
    For many years I was looking for love and I tried to live a good life. By good I mean that everybody to have a good opinion about me. Well, I had some succes. To know me better I'm a very very straigh guy who usually says the truth even if it's hurts. Some people saying I'm a jackass... I had a fiance for 4 years ... I had beatiful times with her, but I couldn't accepted myself. My figure ( slim) and not being a horse in the bed ... Beside I loved ( and I love) her from all my heart I was catching for other girls for some good compliments about me... Thought getting positive feedbacks makes me better in the front of my fiance ... But after the years it came from what I was affraid of. We broked up with 5 months before the wedding... It was my decision ! Cheated her because I thought if I can do means it means she is not the person with whom I have to live my life. But I was wrong . . . I still loved her but I said that silly and stupid thing "I don't think we have to marrie" ... And everything gone wrong ... I tried to fool myself that I was right but not... My everydays are getting worst ... I love her so much I can't describe but her heart is already somebody's else ... I can't handle it. I can't get her back . I tried everything. I can't imagine my life without her... I can but only far away from her ( I stay in Europe) , like USA or whatever what's so far from her. But no chance ... Going to USA would be a solution... Being far far away knowing nothing about her , not having the chance to visit her ( she is only 10 min from me by car ), but that option is not possible. Getting green card to USA takes ages and the chance is very small ... I feel I wanna die. I have many options how to. I feel sad, lonely, and depressed. I know many people would say, go on , leave her, forget. It's not so easy. If you find your true love you can't live without. My problem is my mom and grandmom... How should I leave them ? They would suffer so hard I can't imagine. They two are my family. How should I get them to understand why I passed away ? ! I don't want to anybody to blame my ex fiance because she not wanted to reconcile with me. I understand her. Her heart broke in pieces and she can't love me again anymore. But I can't live without her !!! I just want peace ! Why people thinking if I wanna die I'm stupid ?! Because it's not a normal thing ? I'm not drinking, I'm not taking pills or drogs . I have a job, I'm not bipolar or something similiar mind illness. I just recognized that founding the true love and losing because being stupid is an untakeable reason to live. Now I can understand why so many people doing suicide. They can't handle the loss of the true love. I just want peace for my family and for my ex after I pass away. That's my decision and not she caused ! I did for myself. What's the solution leaving a "good atmosphere" behind me after I'm not in that World any more ?! Please help ! That makes me crazy !
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hiyas, you have been through a lot and everyone deserves love and respect. Please do not ever consider suicide as an option. See if you can get into the USA, your life might change dramatically and you will see more of the world, new experiences, new friends and maybe even a new lover. I hope things work out for you. I think you should get professional help and go from there...just know that we are here and here to listen and try if we can to understand. Best wishes to you.
    2 people like this.
  3. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I don't think you are stupid, especially not with how you are feeling. You are really hurt and it's going to take some time for you to heal. It was a choice you made and I think now you have to accept that she won't take you back. 4 years is a long time and to have it ended just months before your wedding, not easy.. I would urge you to seek help if these feelings are not passing. This whole situation may have put you in a spiral of depression and for that doctors can help you. You don't necessarily have to move to the USA. You live in what is the largest trade area in the world. You have a lot of freedom to move around in Europe if you feel that there is no other choice and there are many nice places here. I'm afraid there is no way to make your passing peaceful for yourself or family. Death causes pain and suffering. You don't need to do that. There is help for you here and in your country. You must fight this feeling. I know it is hurting but don't give up. You made a mistake, please forgive yourself.
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  4. etnevel.asok

    etnevel.asok Member

    Thank you guys a lot answering me. I know it's not easy, I try every day to find a new way of life. Hopefully I 'll. I know time resolves everything ! Time is my enemy somehow. I try to keep up !
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  5. etnevel.asok

    etnevel.asok Member

    Just a quick update ... I try to fight against my feelings and I try to hope. But all lost ! Just recorded my last message to my family, friends, etc, what I 'll upload on the last day. I don't know how 'll be ended but I hope so everybody 'll understand why I did ! It's not a depression or something , just realizing the matter of the life. I don't recommend for nobody to do that , but I did . Hopefully 'll help to everybody to get over on me ...
  6. Professor Lambda

    Professor Lambda Active Member

    I know this may not seem like a stellar answer, but it's really all I've got...

    In life, there are times when there is no solution but to simply let go. I know it is easier said than done, but you really need to let go. Mistakes happen in life, but they should not cause grief, they should cause cheer! You can think of it as a mistake, or you can think of it as an experience, something which will strengthen you!

    Let it be. You just need to let it be. The very fact that you grieve over such a loss shows that you are capable of feeling emotions most people couldn't even dream of experiencing! That alone is a trait worth retaining!

    Man is built to survive even the most tragic events. Our minds are programmed to let go, to move on from past situations! You have this ability!

    Will you really leave this vast, beautiful, stunning universe just because of a spec of dust on an insignificant rock?

    Don't. Your life has more worth. You can live without her, you just need to believe in yourself more! The opinions of others are worthless if you don't believe in yourself!

    Now, I won't stop you from doing what you have to do, but I am telling you...

    Do not.

    Write me a PM. I won't try to convince you of anything, I just want to talk to you. A free discussion between you and me, eh? A friendly talk between two suicidal people. Come, it will make you feel better. It always does.

    Feel free to write me a message.
  7. etnevel.asok

    etnevel.asok Member

    Thank You for your reply !!! I really really appreciate !!! Good to know that there are people who care about others who are unknow ! :D I'm just struggeling with my feelings and thoughts. I hope a miracle 'll happen. But God EXIST ! For sure. Or something what's much more higher then we human people.
  8. Professor Lambda

    Professor Lambda Active Member

    Never rely on miracles. Rely on yourself, and yourself only. Why? Because believing in yourself almost always leads to satisfying outcomes. In the end, it won't be the miracle which saves you, it'll be you.
  9. etnevel.asok

    etnevel.asok Member

    So it means, believing in ourself makes miracles . Then miracles = us.
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