Hey there , Sorry for my grammar, english isn't my 1st language. For many years I was looking for love and I tried to live a good life. By good I mean that everybody to have a good opinion about me. Well, I had some succes. To know me better I'm a very very straigh guy who usually says the truth even if it's hurts. Some people saying I'm a jackass... I had a fiance for 4 years ... I had beatiful times with her, but I couldn't accepted myself. My figure ( slim) and not being a horse in the bed ... Beside I loved ( and I love) her from all my heart I was catching for other girls for some good compliments about me... Thought getting positive feedbacks makes me better in the front of my fiance ... But after the years it came from what I was affraid of. We broked up with 5 months before the wedding... It was my decision ! Cheated her because I thought if I can do means it means she is not the person with whom I have to live my life. But I was wrong . . . I still loved her but I said that silly and stupid thing "I don't think we have to marrie" ... And everything gone wrong ... I tried to fool myself that I was right but not... My everydays are getting worst ... I love her so much I can't describe but her heart is already somebody's else ... I can't handle it. I can't get her back . I tried everything. I can't imagine my life without her... I can but only far away from her ( I stay in Europe) , like USA or whatever what's so far from her. But no chance ... Going to USA would be a solution... Being far far away knowing nothing about her , not having the chance to visit her ( she is only 10 min from me by car ), but that option is not possible. Getting green card to USA takes ages and the chance is very small ... I feel I wanna die. I have many options how to. I feel sad, lonely, and depressed. I know many people would say, go on , leave her, forget. It's not so easy. If you find your true love you can't live without. My problem is my mom and grandmom... How should I leave them ? They would suffer so hard I can't imagine. They two are my family. How should I get them to understand why I passed away ? ! I don't want to anybody to blame my ex fiance because she not wanted to reconcile with me. I understand her. Her heart broke in pieces and she can't love me again anymore. But I can't live without her !!! I just want peace ! Why people thinking if I wanna die I'm stupid ?! Because it's not a normal thing ? I'm not drinking, I'm not taking pills or drogs . I have a job, I'm not bipolar or something similiar mind illness. I just recognized that founding the true love and losing because being stupid is an untakeable reason to live. Now I can understand why so many people doing suicide. They can't handle the loss of the true love. I just want peace for my family and for my ex after I pass away. That's my decision and not she caused ! I did for myself. What's the solution leaving a "good atmosphere" behind me after I'm not in that World any more ?! Please help ! That makes me crazy !